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Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

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posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

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How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

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Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

420 Funny Speech Topics: Informative, Persuasive, for Presentations

One of the greatest problems of the scholarly world is the lack of funny topics. So why not jazz it up? How about creating one of those humorous speeches the public is always so delighted to listen to? Making a couple of funny informative speech topics or coming up with a fun topic for presentation is easier than it seems. The experts of Custom-writing.org have prepared for you a fantastic collection of fun informative speech topics with a persuasive speech topic collection as a bonus.

• 💬 Informative vs. Persuasive Topics
• 🤐 How to Make Any Speech Fun?
• 💉 Topics on Health
• 🏅 Topics on Sport
• 👔 Topics on Business
• ℹ️ Other Topics
• 😹 220 Persuasive Topics
• ☝️ Useful Tips
• 😗 One More Advice

🔍 References

💬 speech topics: informative vs. persuasive.

There are two ways of using information: informative and persuasive speech. In many aspects, both of them can use similar methods, but the outcome is supposed to be different.

Informative speeches intend to provide readers with new data. After listening to such a speech, the audience will know something new. For this reason, the criteria of good informative speaking are freshness and precision of information. It often happens that such texts or speeches are somewhat boring as they address the brain of the listener or reader rather than their heart.

Persuasive speech aims at changing the listener’s opinion. It also uses facts and evidence but does not provide the audience with new information. It is done to support the author’s point of view. It is unethical to use false or misleading facts to influence the audience.

🤐 Top 10 Secrets of Making Any Speech Fun

Regardless of whether the speech is persuasive or informative, the author’s cherished wish is to be remembered. Find out the top 10 tips on how to make a speech engaging and enjoyable.

• Hook the audience. Nobody knows you yet, so try to create an atmosphere of trust. Address their emotions, no matter what! Make them laugh, get sad, and sympathize with something or someone, or angry and concerned. Emotional connection helps to grab the attention.
• Make it simple and on-topic. Long sentences, deviations, and complicated vocabulary distract and make everyone bored. Give a brief structure outline in your introduction. Tell the audience what you are going to discuss. It is always easier to listen to a speech if you know its plan.
• Let it be nice and short. Saturate your sentences with meaning. If any word could be deleted, be sure to remove it. Remember that the ability to concentrate is limited in time. Make your ending timely.
• It must flow as a story. And it is not only about linking words. Proceed in a logical order. Start with a hook. Then make a statement, elaborating it with facts and reasoning. Repeat it for all of your thesis. Then sum it up with an overview of what you have told. And that’s it!
• Measure out the humor. Humor can make your speech vivid and engaging. Even if your topic is far from being funny, a small joke can relieve the tension. It will make people more interested in your personality and in what you are going to say.
• Slides can also be funny. Nobody reads long and colorless pieces of text on the screen. It is easier to listen to your speech. The primary purpose of your presentation is to illustrate your words. But if you make the illustration funny, it will create rapport between you and your audience.
• Make your listeners relate. When complicated issues are compared with real-life situations, they can be easily understood. We are all humans, and our lives are quite similar in many ways. Use it to create mutual understanding.
• Prepare a serious conclusion. Now put away irony and humor, and concentrate. People are going to remember your final words better than the main part. Condense your speech to a couple of sentences. Make them weighted and impressing.
• Practice your speech. Look at yourself in the mirror and speak. You will see what needs corrections.
• Use gestures. It is obvious but obligatory. Don’t put your hands into the pockets. Use them moderately but expressively.

🤩 200 Funny Informative Speech Topics

• Five weird medical facts that no one can explain
• What will humans look like in the future?
• Why do hiccups occur and how to stop them
• Do we really need this? The most useless body parts
• Beware of the snake: how venom affects a human body
• Surprising facts about the history of medicine
• Craziest medical treatments in history: from dead mice to urine therapy
• Ancient remedies we still use
• What not to do if you have a cold
• Is drinking really a bad habit? How alcohol affects your body – in the right way
• You are what you eat : weirdest things found in patients’ bodies
• What would happen to our bodies if we lived on Mars?
• Bizarre sports you didn’t know existed until now
• Most famous fails in baseball
• Why is America the only country that is crazy about baseball?
• Tallest basketball players of all times
• Funny incidents at the Olympics: from 1980 until now
• What the first Olympic Games probably looked like
• What if men wore the same uniform as women in professional sports
• I’m too old for that, and other excuses people make to avoid sports
• Can sports make you smarter? The science behind sports
• The hidden danger of school sports: beware of the ball!
• The secret power of e-sports: what can video games teach us?
• Video games that made our childhood better
• Craziest business ideas of 2017
• Funniest startup ideas that will bring you money
• Things you shouldn’t say in your motivation letter
• How to trick customers: clever marketing hacks
• Best and worst adverts of the year
• How Apple changed the global marketing game
• Worst tips for promoting your products online
• If Facebook ads are so annoying, why do companies use them? Benefits of targeted ads
• Becoming a dream employee: impressing your prospective employer at first sight
• Millionaires’ morning habits: tips for beginning your day successfully.
• Ways creative workers can benefit the business
• Reasons people like conspiracy theories so much
• We only use 10% of our brain power: myth or reality?
• How can procrastination be good for you?
• Artificial intelligence: another step to the world’s end?
• Weirdest historical events no one can explain yet
• If Ancient Greek religion was based on myth, can we say that Christianity is, too?
• The most common cognitive biases that affect how we think
• Where do stereotypes come from? A socio-historical investigation
• Do you need a goal in life to be happy?
• Creative people: the drivers of change or a burden for the society?
• Time-management tools for dummies or how to meet all your deadlines this term
• Tiny things to be happy about that happen to us every day
• Scientific reasons to shorten school week and extend holidays
• Fun ideas for addressing school bullying and building a positive learning environment
• What would school life be like if lessons were taught at night?
• Why we should have school parties every week
• What did the first schools in history look like?
• Stay-at-home students: is distance learning the future of education?
• Best and worst reasons to skip your school classes
• Surviving the detention: creative activities that could help you pass the time while studying
• Reasons teachers shouldn’t give homework for Christmas holidays
• Off-duty: what teachers do when they are not teaching
• Why some people just can’t do math?
• Choosing your school subjects without pressure: study what you like.
• Why all pop songs sound the same
• Uncovering the science behind hit songs: is there a scientific way to make a good song
• How successful songs are made and why are they so catchy
• Funny facts about famous composers and musicians
• Bizarre conspiracy theories about famous artists
• Taylor Swift or Nicki Minaj: who is a better role model for kids?
• Why do rock stars break their guitars on stage?
• Guilty pleasures: why we love and hate popular love songs?
• Funniest stage fails of all time – and how they were handled
• What will the future music industry look like?
• Top undeserved Grammy awards of all time
• My favorite American Idol and X-Factor stars
• Reasons why you and your parents should never be friends on Facebook
• Funny ways of decorating your Christmas tree
• Tired of counting sheep before falling asleep? Try counting llamas instead!
• Choosing your BFF: qualities that make a perfect friend
• Ways to surprise your employer in an interview
• Vegetarians live longer – and other myths designed to lure you into a healthy lifestyle
• Why dogs are human’s best friends – not cats
• Fat and fabulous: things to learn from your cat
• The dangers of family dinners and how to avoid them
• Things you really shouldn’t say on your first date
• Things you probably should say on your first date
• Procrastination for creative people: what to do when you’re tired of doing nothing
• How to clean your room once and for all
• Tips on making the best Valentine’s day card ever
• Top craziest amusement park rides in the world
• Funniest conspiracy theories and why they sound so real
• The pros and cons of Hogwarts’ housing system
• Why people and their dogs often look alike
• A summary of Star Wars – it’s not as confusing as you think
• Funny Christmas traditions from all over the world
• How would foreign people react to our stereotypes about their countries?
• How to know if your pet is plotting a conspiracy against you – signs you should lock your bedroom door at night
• Fear of trees and other bizarre phobias you never knew were real
• How to make a perfect birthday cake for your mom
• Funny reasons why raccoons shouldn’t be kept as pets
• Butterflies, cats, and skulls: the real meaning behind common tattoos
• The history of tattoo art: from Ancient times till now
• Global attractions you must see before you die
• Inspiring success stories from millionaires – what does it take to become one?
• How to tell if your friends don’t like your sense of humor
• Reasons why people find offensive jokes funny
• Weirdest things people like to eat – from fried cockroaches to bull testicles
• Creative ways of cooking the turkey – perfect for the holiday season
• Things we like about TV shows that we don’t get in movies
• Why young girls shouldn’t be allowed to watch Disney movies
• The most likely ending to Game of Thrones
• Home Alone: what do people look for in a perfect Christmas movie?
• What would the world look like if I ruled it?
• Things you really shouldn’t say in public
• Surviving college: how to mildly annoy your roommate
• How to talk to people you don’t like
• Why companies should seek to hire more lazy people
• The advertisement has gone wrong: top worst slogans of all time
• Things to take with you if you’re left on a desert island
• Healthy foods no one likes that are good for you
• Things to do at a party to seem cool
• Useful tips for saving money in college
• How to make a perfect paper airplane in class
• Useless things everyone has at their house
• Worst presents to give to your sibling
• Best ways to sneak snacks into a movie
• Why did Pokemon GO become so popular?
• Political correctness: have we gone too far ?
• Best habits to get if you want to live longer
• Most expensive buildings in America
• Reasons why you shouldn’t eat flowers
• The unknown talents of Barack Obama
• The New Year’s day in different countries
• Tallest buildings in the world: a ranking
• Things that are normal in America but weird in other countries
• Famous haunted houses in America: where horror movies come from
• Night terrors, anxiety, and other reasons we like horror movies
• Why parents shouldn’t set a curfew for their kids
• Reality shows: are they real?
• Reasons why people love and hate reality shows
• Top exciting experiences to add to your bucket list
• Top most extensive libraries in the world
• How to brainstorm like a pro: natural ways of generating good ideas
• Why we shouldn’t mute TV commercials: funniest TV ads of the year
• Ice Age as a metaphor for the modern society
• A comprehensive guide to ice makers: history, use, and future outlook
• The popularity of the YMCA in other countries – is it just an American thing?
• Weirdest foods that taste surprisingly great
• Ten gross ways of eating a potato
• Pineapples on pizza and other foods that have people warring with one another
• The funny meaning behind famous brand names
• Craziest Harry Potter fan theories you’ve never heard about
• Do pets get jealous when you pet other animals?
• How to find out what your parents got you for Christmas
• Why are some people still denying the fact the Earth is round?
• The power of persuasion: how to win any argument in 3 easy steps
• My most embarrassing childhood memory
• The one time I made my family proud
• Tips for staying positive
• Funny things to do during Easter holidays
• Best pranks for parents that are easy and fun for everyone
• Do you need special education to become a YouTube blogger?
• How to tell if you are allergic to dihydrogen monoxide – ten bad signs
• The unexpected costs of becoming famous on Instagram
• Red, white, and blue: what do the colors of the flags really mean?
• The newbie: how I came to school for the first time
• Foods you never liked as a child that you should try again now
• How do magic tricks really work: the science and technology behind grand illusions
• Funny rituals and traditions from different parts of the world
• Common misconceptions about sheep
• The most fun museums in America
• Expensive fashion items that no one would ever wear
• Becoming immune to pranks: how to keep your cool at all times
• Reasons why you should be scared of dentists

💉 Fun Informative Speech Topics on Health

• Gesundheit! Institute : when laughter helps people
• A human is no king of nature: ten reasons to throw people off the throne
• The wonders of genetic science: it’s chemistry that does the mix
• How to become obese in a matter of no time: unhealthy food
• Busting myths of bad habits: picking the nose with an easy conscience

🏅 Fun Informative Speech Topics on Sport

• The world’s most unbelievable record breakers
• Going extreme: most hilarious sports ever
• Laziness vs. enthusiasm: reasons people don’t take up sports
• Are sport and intelligence in reverse proportion to one another?
• The most hilarious things sportscasters have ever said

👔 Fun Informative Speech Topics on Business

• Unusual ways of making a business: a fun way to succeed
• Workplace yoga: do not let routine bring you down
• The unbelievable history of the world’s greatest corporations
• The difficulties and problems of being a millionaire: poor fortunate souls
• How to fail a good deal: the ultimate way to do it all wrong

ℹ️ Fun Topics for Presentations

• Greatest misconceptions in the world and what they led to
• Why people lie: no more pants on fire
• The power of the human brain: telepathy, levitation, and math
• World’s unexplainable phenomena: open your eyes
• The most efficient ways to escape from reality: reading, role-playing, and chatting online
• If students and teachers switched places: learn to stand in each other’s shoes
• Stereotypical images of teachers and students : there must be a grain of truth in them
• The lamest student excuses for missing lectures
• School paradox: subjects you will never need but still have to learn
• The most unbelievable means of cheating during exams
• The most pointless mainstream music lyrics ever
• Musical genius in real life: the hard truth some people have to live with
• Something you have already heard: songs that sound practically the same
• The most annoying songs in the world: why they exist
• Musicians’ funniest nicknames and where they come from: the epitome of comedy

😹 220 Funny Persuasive Speech Topics

• British accent sounds strange.
• Do boys and girls like to gossip equally?
• Being the smallest child in the family is an unpleasant experience.
• Why being tall for a girl can be troublesome?
• The worst gifts in my life were big and useless.
• Every day we make lots of dumb things.
• Can you make dinner with the simplest products?
• If you have a younger sibling, your life grows complicated.
• Differences in friendship with boys and girls.
• The most embarrassing situations happen when everyone is looking at you.
• Parents give weird names to their kids to show off.
• Most fairy tales have a second meaning.
• What should you never tell at your first date?
• Why is it easier to look for a girlish present?
• Canadian English VS American English.
• Should you tell your friend that their date is cheating?
• What makes a perfect husband/wife?
• What are the signs that it is time to leave the party?
• Can you train a pet to do the housework?
• Why are creative people the least successful in life?
• Large cities have their own driving rules.
• Would life be a disaster if we could not lie?
• Why do some women think that it is easier to be a man?
• What are the criteria for being a lady?
• Sleeping outdoors is exciting, but scary.
• What can a hairstyle tell about the person?
• Dogs and their masters look alike.
• What is the most entertaining occupation for grade 8 children?
• If your partner is snoring, you lose a couple of years of sleep during your life.
• What would happen to the world if people were unable to say no?
• Why do men feel so sick when they have a 37-degree temperature?
• In a century we will have to move to another planet.
• Internet addiction is our new reality.
• The worst fear of schoolchildren.
• A friendship between girls and boys lasts until affection emerges.
• Why don’t people believe you when your dog has eaten your homework?
• What do teachers do when they are out of school?
• Being lazy enhances your productivity.
• Would our childhood be happier if we had as much pocket money as we wanted?
• Time in traffic jams could be used for personal development.
• If a fairy could make a wish come true, what would it be?
• A person can survive on a desert island with a knife and a lighter.
• We get bored because we cannot choose what to do.
• The best way to become a bad boss.
• Are there phrases that can spoil the most pleasant conversation?
• Do we dream about our desires or fears?
• Why do we never fulfill our New Year resolutions?
• Children should realize that they also watch their parents grow up.
• How to make your Christmas tree pet- and childproof?
• Making a time capsule makes your life more meaningful.
• Should we help the person who never receives Valentine Cards to receive one?
• Feng Shui will make your life better if you start working hard and not engage in such silly things.
• A spoilt first date is a ticket to success in a relationship.
• Would the world become a better place if we could spend just one day in another gender’s body?
• Jealous women are hilarious and inventive.
• Would you like to be paid for doing nothing?
• Every mother is happy when her children leave her in peace.
• Selfies are attractive only to their author.
• Men should be told when women have PMS.
• People hike because it makes them appreciate the conveniences of their homes.
• Why do men consider women incredible?
• Why do we lose our minds when we fall in love?
• What would happen if men were more emphatic and lyrical than women?
• An average toddler resembles very much of a drunk adult.
• In a decade after marriage, a man learns the art of simulating to listen to his spouse.
• If men had periods, it would never be a taboo subject.
• Life is easier when you are a woman.
• Should there be costume holidays for middle school pupils?
• My pet would become my best friend if it could talk.
• What is the meaning of life?
• We could spend a lifetime at a computer screen, yet having an interesting life.
• We can learn to be happy from our pets.
• Children’s costumes at kindergartens are humiliating.
• Everything that is not poisonous is edible.
• Why shouldn’t you dream of becoming a millionaire?
• Why are men so proud of being men?
• We are all addicted to something.
• The best recipes were created by accident.
• Your outfit has a strong influence on the success of your day.
• Retirement is the second childhood.
• Computer games make us stupid.
• Humankind is an epidemic for our planet.
• Anything could be fun if you weren’t obliged to do it.
• Graduation is when all the fun comes to an end.
• Talented people don’t have time to get concerned with success.
• Long-distance relationships are best for adults.
• If anything can get spoilt, it will.
• Our lives are funnier than we tend to think.
• Night dreams are the most laughable thing in life.
• Unexpected things make the best entertaining speech topics.
• No homework means happy childhood.
• Adults are just spoilt children.
• What is the funniest villain in the history of cinema?
• Most children make a semblance of having cleaned their room.
• Your own funny presentation topics always sound better than those of your classmates.
• Why does everybody laugh at newbies?
• Cat lovers VS dog lovers.
• Was the chicken or the egg first?
• Is it better to be very tall or very low?
• Why do cats never regret anything wrong they have done?
• Would eternal life be right for you?
• We shouldn’t let children use smartphones while they are underage.
• Are men or women better tutors?
• Talking about relationships is the most pointless way to spend time.
• Students who cheat are smarter in further professional life.
• Sweet things for good studies would make more incentive than grades.
• What animal would you choose to be if you could?
• What is the best pizza filling?
• What is the core feature a friend should have?
• If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
• Playing tricks on parents is not a good idea.
• What if the first thing you thought when you woke up would define your day?
• How do computer games influence one’s IQ?
• Obscene words emerged because our language lacks emotional words.
• Is it better to be an early bird or a night owl?
• Minor mistakes can save us from more serious ones.
• Children would never believe that when they grow up, they would wish to be children again.
• Would you prefer to stay humble or make everyone look at you?
• Staying at home during a weekend can save you lots of money.
• 2024 tells us that there are not many things that matter.
• Should your date be beautiful/handsome or smart?
• Is it better to be kind or smart?
• Coke or Pepsi, McDonald’s or KFC, and other difficult choices.
• What is the worst role model for boys among the superheroes?
• Obsession with princesses makes girls silly and capricious.
• Why is Easter bunny a rabbit, not a hare?
• The less the partners see each other, the happier the marriage.
• People visit fortune tellers to be assured that everything will be fine.
• Life is a pleasure only when you are a child.
• Only children can benefit from the marriage of their parents.
• Long beards contain more bacteria than dirty hands.
• Cats treat us as their servants.
• Prohibit something, and it will get twice as desirable.
• People remember only those good deeds that they have made themselves.
• Reality is subjective, and we are unaware of what the world is really like.
• Being an introvert saves you from many social problems.
• The best villains always have a good trait.
• When talking about someone, people either envy or spread rumors.
• Any driver is a pedestrian from time to time.
• Why are meat-eaters afraid of eating vegetarian food?
• What do men try to hide with a long mustache?
• The happiest people are ignorant.
• If Pinocchio had not been punished, he would never have stopped lying.
• We adopt pets to make our lives a bit more complicated.
• Behind every successful man, there is an always dissatisfied woman.
• If shampoo for kids does not cause tears, why don’t adults use it?
• Why are clowns associated with horror films?
• The poorer is our knowledge in something, the more confident we are about it.
• Which failures could a true friendship survive?
• Soft toys are universal dust collectors.
• When you are dead or stupid, you never feel anything. But the others suffer.
• Originality VS weirdness.
• Those who share our opinion seem to be prettier and cleverer.
• The best thing we could do for our planet is to extinct.
• Life resembles a simulation game.
• Laziness is the engine of progress.
• The phrase “it was a joke” has saved innumerable friendships.
• Technologies are making humanity obese.
• You shouldn’t take things too personally as everyone is concerned only with himself.
• Why do TV channels show mainly bad news?
• In psychiatry, the healthy one is the person who was the first to put on the white coat.
• Reading articles on success and self-development is another form of procrastination.
• If both partners think that the other is wrong, both of them are.
• Why is it so hard to admit your fault?
• Very honest people tend to have no friends.
• Do we deserve what we have?
• The silly always considers the smart being dumb.
• When can we consider saving money as an obsession?
• Which present is better: flowers or something tasty?
• If something seems to be wrong, it is.
• The customer is always right only in their own eyes.
• If you aren’t registered on any social media, there is something wrong with you.
• How does Flat Earth Society perceive GPS navigators?
• Not washing one’s hands is a sign of a rebellious character.
• Those who like rain have more things in common than it seems.
• Is there a grain of truth in horoscopes?
• Our language is too redundant, and most of the words could be left out.
• We are great masters at denying reality.
• Would there be fewer families if we needed to reconfirm marriage once a year?
• It is too hard for college students that their happy years are about to end.
• It is so comfortable to have someone to blame for your problems.
• Grumpy people may simply wear uncomfortable shoes.
• Once you forget the day of your marriage, you will remember it forever.
• Siblings are there to eliminate our egoism.
• A redecoration of an apartment is the best test for your love.
• Nobody learns from the other’s mistakes.
• The more time we spend in front of the screen, the less time we have to quarrel.
• Criticizing others makes you feel important and smart.
• We all hated our clothes in childhood.
• The purpose of the life of some people is to annoy everyone.
• Why are many of us afraid of airplanes, but nobody is afraid of cars?
• There is no logic neither in men nor in women.
• Awkwardness is a sign of modesty and openness.
• If animals could struggle for their rights, we would never violate them.
• Internet dating is like dating a book protagonist.
• Are 20 minutes enough for an introvert to stay at a party?
• Your worst day was made by yourself.
• What is an American idol?
• Bad students make the best business persons.
• The minimum wage is the minimum for survival.
• The first year at the University shows how you will spend all the rest time.
• Politicians are very good at making us concerned with the least important problems while ignoring the crucial ones.
• Using Latin or French phrases in everyday speech is showing off.
• The most important life lessons can be learned in kindergarten.
• If cats don’t like you, you are not a good person.
• Dieting is a voluntary suffering.
• The best thing an artist can do to become famous is to die.
• Would elite sports become more exciting if doping became obligatory?
• We all want the same in life.
• We fear public speaking because everything has already been said.
• It is worse to be lonely than to be with the wrong person.
• Sheep are not the best animals to count before sleep.
• If cuckoos knew how many years you are left to live, there would be a cuckoo fortune-telling business.
• We make ourselves unhappy by wanting what we shouldn’t.
• Halloween costumes should be worn more often.
• If men listened to women, they would never call them enigmatic.
• Exams don’t show who is the smartest. They show who is the best cheater.
• People who don’t like to work become bosses.
• No decision is also a decision.
• You need to have a drink or two if you have run out of ideas for fun speech topics.

☝️ Funny Speech Topics: Useful Tips

Like any other speech, speaking on informative issues has certain peculiarities. Make sure that you follow these tips for successful informative speaking:

• Select a broad topic you are going to use for the speech.
• Choose a problem to devote your speech to.
• Think of a funny way to introduce the issue and develop it.
• Use your sense of humor when analyzing the issue and offering your ideas.
• Avoid being offensive and basing your speech on prejudices.
• Plan both funny and serious parts – the audience must have some rest from rolling with laughter!

Once you have considered each of these components when choosing funny topics for an informative speech, you can be 100% sure that your speech will rock. To help yourself during a brainstorming session, you can try out an impromptu topics generator that will provide you with an endless amount of options to choose from.

😗 Funny Informative Speech Topics: One More Advice

Whether you’re choosing informative topics for presentation or any other assignment, there’s an important tip you must follow.

Remember: A good joke for funny informative persuasive speech topics is a joke that makes people think. Convince people that you’re talking about really important things – make them laugh with the help of your funny informative speech topics!

Giving a speech is challenging. When delivering a speech, many people feel like they are sitting on a cactus. Adding humor makes your speech more interesting and helps cut down on your own stress.

Being funny in front of a live audience and being able to charm every one of them is not an easy task—it is a real art. Fortunately, this is a skill that can be mastered with some practice.

If you need to find a funny informative speech topic, you can choose absolutely any topic from numerous lists of funny, informative speech topics available on the web. In fact, any life situation can be looked at and talked about from a humorous approach. Your speech topic should be informative, but that doesn’t mean that the information has to be really valuable. If you try adding some fun when talking about serious questions, you can possibly elicit a good laugh from a huge crowd.

Use our funny, informative speech topics above just as they are, or get inspired by them to create some of your own. Either way, with enough practice, you’ll become a real star among the wide audience you intend to please with your unbearably funny speech.

Learn more on this topic:

• A List of Informative Speech Topics: Best Creative Topic Ideas
• Good Informative Speech Topics: How to Get Thunders of Applause
• Social Studies Topics for Your Research Project
• Best Science and Technology Essay Topics to Write About
• Satirical Essay Examples and Best Satire Essay Topics

🤔 Funny Informative Speech Topics FAQ

Any how-to topics do well for informative speech. Your sphere of expertise or something you are eager to learn is also a good idea to speak about. Select fields that require specialized knowledge:

• The ecological situation on the planet
• Economics and business
• Political regimes
• Historical causes of our present
• Rights and freedoms of minorities

It is a topic that gives you a chance to give your audience new information. The topic is emotionally neutral and non-debatable. It should sound like a question or statement which could be answered or expanded with facts.

• Select a topic of your expertise.
• Decide if it requires description, demonstration, definition, or explanation.
• Outline your thesis.
• Saturate your speech with facts, but make it simple.
• Address your audience with a call to action.
• Select one of the funny how to topics.
• Make yourself the target of your humor. Give examples from your life.
• Don’t hurt anyone with your jokes.
• You are not supposed to make your speech a demonstration of your wit. Use a rule of three: this is the best number of jokes in your speech or essay.
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• Major Types of Informative Speeches
• Example of Informative Speech
• Informative Speech Template
• Good Attention-Getters for Speeches
• The 20 Most Useful Rhetorical Devices
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Saturate your speech with facts, but make it simple. My favorite one

100+ Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Hilarious makes persuasive arguments powerful. A funny, well-written essay can change readers’ minds, even if they’re stubborn. We have 100+ funny, compelling essay topics that make readers laugh and think. Let’s find a perfect topic for your following funny essay.

Table of Contents

Hilarious Persuasive Essay Topics

Why dogs are better than cats (and vice versa). Why the chicken crossed the road. The benefits of procrastination. Why pizza is a balanced meal. How to win an argument (even if you’re wrong). The joy of being average. Why napping should be mandatory at work. The art of doing nothing. Why aliens might visit Earth before we colonize Mars. Why socks and sandals are fashionable. The benefits of being a couch potato. Why time travel is overrated. Why you should never leave your bed. Why you should eat dessert first. The benefits of being forgetful. The perks of being short (or tall). Why getting lost can be good. Why watermelon should be the official summer fruit. The importance of having a pet rock. Why Mondays are pretty decent. The benefits of talking to yourself. Why you shouldn’t trust a skinny chef. The joys of lousy dancing. Why clowns are underrated. The importance of being weird. Why it’s okay to be lazy. The joys of staying home. Why laughter is the best medicine. The benefits of being forgetful. The joys of being easily amused. Why breakfast for dinner is comforting. The benefits of watching bad movies. The joys of being a picky eater. Why puns are the best comedy. The importance of napping. The benefits of being a morning person (or night owl). The joys of talking to strangers. Why it’s okay to be awkward. Why binge-watching TV is good. The importance of being silly. Why sarcasm is the best defence. The benefits of taking time off. The joys of being a tourist where you live. Why it’s okay to be messy. The importance of having humour. The benefits of being selfish. The joys of people-watching. Why indecisiveness is okay. The benefits of listening to bad music. The importance of weirdness. The joys of pranking. Why having a guilty pleasure is okay. The benefits of being forgetful (again). The importance of laughing at yourself. The joys of being disorganized. Why naivety is okay. The benefits of stubbornness. The joys of home cooking. Why vanity is okay. The benefits of taking life less seriously. The joys of memes. Why being late is okay. The benefits of having a weird hobby. The importance of silliness (again). The joys of YouTube binges. Why unconventionality is okay. The benefits of social media breaks. The importance of finding humour every day. The joys of creative hobbies. Why selfishness is okay (again). The benefits of embracing your inner child. The joys of dad jokes. Why disorganization is okay. The importance of not taking life too seriously. The benefits of trying new things. The joys of road trips. Why weirdness is okay (again). The importance of positivity. The benefits of impulsiveness. The joys of puns (again). Why unhealthy obsessions are okay. The benefits of a good sense of humour. The joys of pranking (again). Why stubbornness is okay (again). The importance of finding joy in little things. The benefits of making people laugh. The joys of comedy movies. Why competitiveness is okay. The importance of balance in life. The benefits of having support. The joys of karaoke. Why forgetfulness is okay (again). The benefits of optimism. The importance of self-care. The joys of stand-up comedy shows. Why indecisiveness is okay (again). The benefits of openness to new things. The importance of my time. The joys of prank calls. Why not take yourself too seriously is okay.

We have 100+ funny persuasive essay topics to make readers laugh and reconsider their views. Humor makes arguments powerful. Choose an issue you care about, and let the funny persuasion start!

This revision simplifies the language and sentence structure for more effortless reading while maintaining flow and meaning. The topics are reorganized under loose headings for better scannability and comprehension. The overall encouraging and lighthearted tone is maintained to keep with the funny, persuasive theme. Please let me know if you want me to clarify or expand on any part of this revision. I aimed for a casual and relatable voice in modifying this list of humorous essay topics.

Hello! Welcome to my Blog StudyParagraphs.co. My name is Angelina. I am a college professor. I love reading writing for kids students. This blog is full with valuable knowledge for all class students. Thank you for reading my articles.

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230 Funny & Entertaining Speech Topics

Speeches to Entertain : There’s magic in a speech that has the power to elicit laughter, spread joy, and create an atmosphere of camaraderie. This simple, yet potent act of entertaining through words not only connects us but also paints the world in brighter hues.

When an entertaining speaker takes the stage, attention sharpens, faces brighten, and the energy in the room elevates. There’s something irresistible about a person who can weave a story with a silver lining of humor, transforming a mundane topic into a captivating tale.

But what exactly are entertaining speeches?

Entertaining speeches are narratives that are thoughtfully crafted to amuse, delight, and engage the audience . They may not always roll you in laughter but they will keep you interested, connected, and smiling.

And funny topics?

They are those quirky, hilarious subjects that tickle our funny bone and make the audience lean in for more.

In this guide, we’ll dive into a treasure trove of entertaining topics and funny speeches. Each one carefully picked to help you light up any occasion, captivate your audience, and leave them smiling long after you’ve left the stage.

So buckle up and let’s embark on this journey of laughter, connection, and unforgettable storytelling.

The Power of Humor

There’s a profound connection between humor and being human. Shared laughter serves as a unifying force, a common thread that weaves us together in a shared moment of joy.

It’s as if a funny quip or a witty anecdote cracks open a window to a common understanding, a shared perspective that maybe we didn’t realize before.

Consider this – Filipino humor is not the same as American humor.

Yet, there are times, when international audiences share a hearty laugh at the same jokes.

Because humor, at its core, is a connector. It bridges cultural gaps and unites diverse people.

While Joey de Leon or Vice Ganda’s style of comedy may tickle some, it may leave others indifferent. Likewise, while I might find Jon Stewart’s humor engaging, others may resonate more with Jerry Seinfeld.

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Motivational and interesting entertaining speech topics.

Motivation can come from a variety of sources, and finding humor in our struggles and successes is a great way to inspire and entertain. Here are some motivational and interesting entertaining speech topics that do just that:

• “Failing Forward: The Humorous Side of Our Mistakes” : Talk about the importance of learning from mistakes, using funny anecdotes to lighten the subject.
• “Goal Setting: The Comic Misadventures of High Ambition” : Discuss goal setting with humor by sharing ridiculous personal targets and amusing attempts to achieve them.
• “Laughing at Adversity: Turning Trials into Triumphs” : Share humorous stories of overcoming adversity, making it both inspiring and entertaining.
• “The Unexpected Benefits of Stepping Out of Your Comfort Zone” : Discuss the humorous things that can happen when we dare to step out of our comfort zones.
• “The Funniest Success Stories” : Share stories of successful people who got to where they are in unexpected and funny ways.
• “How to Find Joy in the Little Things” : Speak about the significance of appreciating small joys in life, sharing amusing personal experiences.
• “The Power of Positive Thinking: A Comedic Take” : Discuss the power of positivity with a humorous slant, poking fun at the unexpected outcomes of relentless optimism.
• “The Art of Perseverance: Hilarious Lessons from History” : Share funny and inspiring stories of historical figures who displayed great perseverance.
• “Embracing Change: The Funny Side of Life’s Twists and Turns” : Share anecdotes about the comical aspects of embracing change and adapting to new situations.
• “Comedy in Leadership: How Humor Makes Better Leaders” : Discuss how humor can enhance leadership skills, giving entertaining examples of leaders who use comedy to their advantage.

Remember, it’s all about blending motivation and humor to create a speech that leaves your audience inspired and laughing.

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Entertaining speech topics for filipino high school, a la bob ong style.

Inspired by Bob Ong’s wit and humor in depicting Filipino high school life, these topics tap into the unique, relatable, and amusing experiences of Filipino high school students:

• “Adventures sa Canteen: Ang Pag-ibig sa Spaghetti at Iba Pang Kwento” : Share funny stories about the love for canteen food and the hilarity that ensues during lunch breaks.
• “Baliktad na Mundo: Ang Kalokohan ng High School Life” : Discuss the fun and craziness of high school life, from unforgettable classroom pranks to impromptu jamming sessions.
• “The Art of ‘Cramming’: Mga Nakakatawang Techniques ng Estudyante” : Talk about the humor behind students’ creative and last-minute study habits.
• “Ang Kababalaghan sa CR: Mga Nakakatawang Kwentong Banyo” : Share amusing stories about the adventures and mysteries that happen in the school restroom.
• “Retreat House Horror Stories: Ang Katatawanan sa Kababalaghan” : Share funny tales of supposed hauntings during retreats or school camps.
• “Nutrition Month: Ang Epic Fail na Cookfest” : Discuss the humor behind the annual Nutrition Month cooking competition and the epic fails that come with it.
• “Ang Saya ng Foundation Day: Mga Nakakatawang Memories” : Talk about the fun and laughter during Foundation Day, from the variety show, sports fest, to the Mr. and Ms. High School pageant.
• “Project Making Moments: Saan Aabot ang Bente Pesos Mo?” : Discuss the hilarity behind students’ budget-friendly and ingenious project making moments.
• “Mga Katatawanang Kwentong Field Trip” : Share entertaining and funny stories about school field trips that can amuse your audience.
• “The Chronicles of Ghost Month: Mga Nakakatawang ‘Multo’ sa School” : Discuss the comedic horror stories students share during the ghost month.

Remember, Bob Ong’s style is all about telling everyday Filipino stories with a sense of humor, nostalgia, and sometimes, poignant lessons. Let your love for being a Filipino student shine through, and your audience will surely appreciate your speech.

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300 Funny Persuasive Speech Topics You Should Know

So, you’re on the hunt for some hilarious but persuasive speech topics, huh? Well, you’ve come to the right place! Get ready to dive into the wonderful world of “ Funny Persuasive Speech Topics .” We’re talking about topics that’ll have your audience rolling in the aisles while still making some solid points.

It’s all about mixing laughter with a dash of persuasion to keep things interesting. So, grab your sense of humor and let’s explore some topics that’ll have everyone laughing and nodding along in agreement.

Is it right to discuss Funny Persuasive Speech Topics?

Discussing funny persuasive speech topics is perfectly acceptable and can be highly effective in certain contexts. Here’s why:

• Engagement: Humor is a powerful tool for engaging an audience. When people are entertained, they are more likely to pay attention and remember the message you’re trying to convey.
• Memorable: A funny speech is more likely to stick in people’s minds long after it’s delivered. By injecting humor into your speech, you increase the chances of your audience remembering your main points.
• Emotional connection: Humor can create an emotional connection between the speaker and the audience. When people laugh together, they feel a sense of camaraderie, which can make them more receptive to the speaker’s message.
• Relatability: Funny persuasive speech topics often touch on everyday experiences and situations that people can relate to. This relatability can make your message more persuasive because it resonates with the audience on a personal level.
• Disarming tension: In some situations, humor can help to disarm tension or defuse a potentially contentious topic. By lightening the mood with humor, you can make it easier for people to consider viewpoints that they might otherwise be resistant to.

However, it’s important to exercise caution when using humor in persuasive speeches. Make sure that your jokes are appropriate for the audience and the occasion, and avoid anything that could be offensive or insensitive.

Additionally, ensure that the humor supports your main message rather than overshadowing it. When used effectively, funny persuasive speech topics can be a powerful tool for communication and persuasion.

How and where to discuss funny persuasive speech topics?

There are several ways and places to discuss funny persuasive speech topics:

• Classrooms : If you’re a student, you might have opportunities to give persuasive speeches as part of your coursework. Many teachers and professors encourage students to incorporate humor into their presentations to engage their classmates and demonstrate their public speaking skills.
• Toastmasters Clubs : Toastmasters International is a global organization that helps members improve their public speaking and leadership skills through practice and feedback. Many Toastmasters clubs have meetings where members give speeches on a variety of topics , including persuasive speeches with humor.
• Comedy Clubs or Open Mic Nights : If you’re comfortable performing in front of a live audience, you could try out your funny persuasive speech at a comedy club or an open mic night. These venues provide a supportive environment for trying out new material and honing your comedic timing.
• Workshops or Seminars : Some organizations offer workshops or seminars on public speaking, where participants can learn and practice delivering persuasive speeches. These events often provide opportunities for participants to receive constructive feedback from instructors and peers.
• Online Platforms : With the rise of virtual communication, there are many online platforms where you can share your funny persuasive speech topics . You could create a video and upload it to platforms like YouTube or TikTok, or join online communities focused on public speaking or comedy.
• Social Gatherings : Informal social gatherings with friends or family can also be a great opportunity to test out your funny persuasive speech topics. Whether it’s at a dinner party or a backyard barbecue, you can engage your audience in conversation and see how they respond to your humor.

Remember to consider the appropriateness of your humor for the specific audience and setting, and be open to feedback to improve your delivery and effectiveness.

300 Funny Persuasive Speech Topics

Here’s a list of 300 funny persuasive speech topics categorized for your convenience:

Entertainment and Pop Culture

• Why The Office is the ultimate binge-worthy show.
• The absurdity of superhero costumes.
• The ridiculousness of reality TV.
• Why cats are plotting to take over the world.
• The peculiar habits of celebrities.
• The humor in cheesy pick-up lines.
• The strange world of internet memes.
• The art of making the perfect playlist.
• The absurdity of movie sequels.
• Why dogs have mastered the art of manipulation.

Food and Drink

• The conspiracy behind pineapple on pizza.
• The real reason why chocolate is everyone’s guilty pleasure.
• The bizarre world of food combinations.
• The ridiculousness of food challenges.
• The secret life of grocery store items.
• Why breakfast is the most important meal of the day (for your Instagram feed).
• The hidden agenda of fast-food mascots.
• The peculiar rituals of coffee addicts.
• The science of why we can’t stop eating junk food.
• The truth behind food labels: Decoding the mystery.

Relationships and Dating

• The absurdity of online dating profiles.
• The comedic side of bad first dates.
• The strange habits of couples in love.
• Why arguing with your significant other can be fun.
• The truth about relationship advice columns.
• The art of flirting in the modern age.
• The hilarious side of being single.
• The real reason behind “opposites attract.”
• The secret language of emojis in relationships.
• Why dating apps are like a game of chance.

Technology and Social Media

• The absurdity of smartphone addiction.
• The comedic side of autocorrect fails.
• The strange world of internet conspiracy theories.
• The truth behind social media filters.
• The hidden agenda of online quizzes.
• The peculiar habits of internet trolls.
• The comedic value of internet cat videos.
• The reality behind Instagram vs. reality.
• The ridiculousness of online arguments.
• The truth about why we can’t put our phones down.

Work and Career

• The absurdity of office politics.
• The comedic value of workplace meetings.
• The strange habits of coworkers.
• The truth about office dress codes.
• The hidden agenda behind company team-building exercises.
• The hilarious side of job interviews.
• The absurdity of corporate jargon.
• The real reason behind office gossip.
• The comedic value of workplace stereotypes.
• The truth about why we procrastinate at work.

Education and School Life

• The absurdity of school dress codes.
• The comedic side of group projects.
• The strange world of standardized testing.
• The truth about why students always wait until the last minute.
• The hidden agenda behind school cafeteria food.
• The ridiculousness of school rules.
• The truth about why math is so hard.
• The comedic value of school assemblies.
• The absurdity of school bathrooms.
• The real reason behind why we hate Mondays.

Travel and Vacation

• The comedic value of travel mishaps.
• The strange habits of tourists.
• The truth about why we always overpack.
• The hidden agenda behind travel souvenirs.
• The absurdity of airport security.
• The hilarious side of language barriers.
• The real reason behind why vacations never go as planned.
• The comedic value of travel reviews.
• The absurdity of travel etiquette.
• The truth about why we love beach vacations.

Health and Fitness

• The comedic value of gym fails.
• The strange habits of fitness fanatics.
• The truth about why we always start diets on Mondays.
• The absurdity of fitness trends.
• The hidden agenda behind workout clothing.
• The ridiculousness of exercise equipment infomercials.
• The comedic side of yoga classes.
• The real reason why we can’t stick to a workout routine.
• The absurdity of detox diets.
• The truth about why we love cheat days.

Environmental Issues

• The comedic value of eco-friendly products.
• The strange habits of environmental activists.
• The truth about why we still use plastic straws.
• The hidden agenda behind recycling.
• The absurdity of climate change denial.
• The hilarious side of green initiatives.
• The real reason why we can’t give up fast fashion.
• The absurdity of eco-friendly packaging.
• The truth about why we love nature documentaries.
• The comedic value of Earth Day celebrations.

Parenting and Family Life

• The strange habits of new parents.
• The comedic side of parenting advice books.
• The truth about why kids never listen.
• The hidden agenda behind family vacations.
• The absurdity of parenting trends.
• The hilarious side of kids’ birthday parties.
• The real reason why parents always say, “Because I said so.”
• The absurdity of family dinner conversations.
• The truth about why grandparents spoil their grandkids.
• The comedic value of family holiday traditions.

Politics and Government

• The strange habits of politicians.
• The comedic value of political debates.
• The truth about why we can’t trust politicians.
• The hidden agenda behind campaign promises.
• The absurdity of political scandals.
• The ridiculousness of political ads.
• The real reason why we can’t agree on anything politically.
• The comedic side of voting.
• The absurdity of political correctness.
• The truth about why we still have political cartoons.

Sports and Athletics

• The strange habits of sports fans.
• The comedic value of sports commentary.
• The truth about why we always root for the underdog.
• The hidden agenda behind sports rivalries.
• The absurdity of sports superstitions.
• The ridiculousness of sports mascots.
• The real reason why we watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.
• The comedic side of sports injuries.
• The absurdity of halftime shows.
• The truth about why we can’t resist sports documentaries.

Fashion and Style

• The strange habits of fashionistas.
• The comedic value of fashion trends.
• The truth about why we wear socks with sandals.
• The hidden agenda behind fashion magazines.
• The absurdity of runway fashion.
• The ridiculousness of beauty pageants.
• The real reason why we can’t resist sales.
• The comedic side of fashion disasters.
• The absurdity of fashion rules.
• The truth about why we keep clothes we never wear.

Science and Technology

• The strange habits of scientists.
• The comedic value of science experiments gone wrong.
• The truth about why we’re fascinated by conspiracy theories.
• The hidden agenda behind technology addiction.
• The absurdity of futuristic predictions.
• The ridiculousness of infomercial inventions.
• The real reason why we can’t live without Wi-Fi.
• The comedic side of tech support calls.
• The absurdity of robot companions.
• The truth about why we’re obsessed with space exploration.

Philosophy and Existentialism

• The strange habits of philosophers.
• The comedic value of existential crises.
• The truth about why we question the meaning of life.
• The hidden agenda behind self-help books.
• The absurdity of fortune-telling.
• The ridiculousness of conspiracy theories.
• The real reason why we’re afraid of the dark.
• The comedic side of mid-life crises.
• The absurdity of “deep” conversations.
• The truth about why we seek happiness.

Religion and Spirituality

• The strange habits of religious leaders.
• The comedic value of religious rituals.
• The truth about why we believe in superstitions.
• The hidden agenda behind cults.
• The absurdity of religious debates.
• The ridiculousness of creationism vs. evolution.
• The real reason why we pray.
• The comedic side of religious texts.
• The absurdity of religious persecution.
• The truth about why we seek spiritual enlightenment.

Animals and Nature

• The strange habits of animals.
• The comedic value of animal documentaries.
• The truth about why we anthropomorphize animals.
• The hidden agenda behind pet ownership.
• The absurdity of animal rights activism.
• The ridiculousness of pet clothing.
• The real reason why we love cat videos.
• The comedic side of wildlife conservation efforts.
• The absurdity of pet psychology.
• The truth about why we’re obsessed with animal memes.

Art and Creativity

• The strange habits of artists.
• The comedic value of modern art.
• The truth about why we’re drawn to certain paintings.
• The hidden agenda behind art auctions.
• The absurdity of art criticism.
• The ridiculousness of art forgeries.
• The real reason why we can’t understand abstract art.
• The comedic side of art installations.
• The absurdity of art school.
• The truth about why we doodle.

Money and Finance

• The strange habits of billionaires.
• The comedic value of budgeting.
• The truth about why we buy lottery tickets.
• The hidden agenda behind get-rich-quick schemes.
• The absurdity of economic forecasts.
• The ridiculousness of financial advice.
• The real reason why we can’t stick to a budget.
• The comedic side of penny-pinching.
• The absurdity of shopping addiction.
• The truth about why money can’t buy happiness.

Literature and Writing

• The strange habits of writers.
• The comedic value of literary analysis.
• The truth about why we’re drawn to certain genres.
• The hidden agenda behind book clubs.
• The absurdity of writer’s block.
• The ridiculousness of fan fiction.
• The real reason why we judge books by their covers.
• The comedic side of book adaptations.
• The absurdity of literary awards.
• The truth about why we love to escape into books.

History and Historical Events

• The strange habits of historical figures.
• The comedic value of historical reenactments.
• The hidden agenda behind historical revisionism.
• The absurdity of ancient traditions.
• The ridiculousness of historical fashion.
• The real reason why we love visiting museums.
• The comedic side of historical documentaries.
• The absurdity of historical inaccuracies in movies.
• The truth about why we’re nostalgic for the past.

DIY and Crafts

• The strange habits of DIY enthusiasts.
• The comedic value of Pinterest fails.
• The truth about why we start craft projects we never finish.
• The hidden agenda behind home improvement shows.
• The absurdity of craft supply hoarding.
• The ridiculousness of DIY disasters.
• The real reason why we can’t resist DIY tutorials.
• The comedic side of failed DIY gifts.
• The absurdity of extreme crafting.
• The truth about why we love handmade items.

Cars and Transportation

• The strange habits of car enthusiasts.
• The comedic value of driving mishaps.
• The truth about why we name our cars.
• The hidden agenda behind car commercials.
• The absurdity of road rage.
• The ridiculousness of carpool karaoke.
• The real reason why we love vintage cars.
• The comedic side of traffic jams.
• The absurdity of driving superstitions.
• The truth about why we hate parallel parking.

Law and Legal Issues

• The strange habits of lawyers.
• The comedic value of courtroom dramas.
• The truth about why we’re fascinated by true crime.
• The hidden agenda behind legal loopholes.
• The absurdity of frivolous lawsuits.
• The ridiculousness of legal jargon.
• The real reason why we watch crime documentaries.
• The comedic side of courtroom sketches.
• The absurdity of celebrity trials.
• The truth about why we can’t stop watching Law & Order.

Holidays and Celebrations

• The strange habits of holiday enthusiasts.
• The comedic value of holiday traditions.
• The truth about why we love holiday music.
• The hidden agenda behind holiday marketing.
• The absurdity of holiday decorations.
• The ridiculousness of holiday-themed movies.
• The real reason why we stress over holiday dinners.
• The comedic side of holiday shopping.
• The absurdity of New Year’s resolutions.
• The truth about why we love Halloween.

Beauty and Personal Care

• The strange habits of beauty gurus.
• The comedic value of beauty fails.
• The truth about why we follow skincare routines.
• The hidden agenda behind beauty product advertising.
• The absurdity of beauty pageants.
• The ridiculousness of beauty standards.
• The real reason why we love makeup tutorials.
• The comedic side of DIY beauty hacks.
• The absurdity of beauty myths.
• The truth about why we’re obsessed with anti-aging products.

Home and Household

• The strange habits of neat freaks.
• The comedic value of household chores.
• The truth about why we can’t keep houseplants alive.
• The hidden agenda behind home organization trends.
• The absurdity of cleaning product commercials.
• The ridiculousness of home renovation shows.
• The real reason why we have junk drawers.
• The comedic side of DIY disasters.
• The absurdity of “smart” home devices.
• The truth about why we love HGTV.

Gardening and Outdoor Living

• The strange habits of gardeners.
• The comedic value of gardening mishaps.
• The truth about why we love houseplants.
• The hidden agenda behind gardening trends.
• The absurdity of lawn care rituals.
• The ridiculousness of garden gnome collections.
• The real reason why we can’t resist buying more plants.
• The comedic side of garden pests.
• The absurdity of outdoor furniture.
• The truth about why we love spending time in nature.

Weddings and Marriage

• The strange habits of brides-to-be.
• The comedic value of wedding planning.
• The truth about why we stress over wedding details.
• The hidden agenda behind wedding traditions.
• The absurdity of wedding dress shopping.
• The ridiculousness of wedding trends.
• The real reason why we cry at weddings.
• The comedic side of wedding speeches.
• The absurdity of wedding registries.
• The truth about why we love wedding movies.

Aging and Retirement

• The strange habits of retirees.
• The comedic value of getting older.
• The truth about why we fear aging.
• The hidden agenda behind anti-aging products.
• The absurdity of retirement communities.
• The ridiculousness of senior discounts.
• The real reason why we love stories of “old people antics.”
• The comedic side of aging gracefully.
• The absurdity of midlife crises.
• The truth about why we’re obsessed with staying young.

These topics cover a wide range of areas, so you should be able to find something that resonates with your audience and suits your speaking style. Good luck with your speech .

Humor is a powerful tool for persuasion. By injecting laughter into our discussions, we can engage our audience, lighten the mood, and ultimately make our messages more memorable. Whether we’re poking fun at societal norms, exploring the quirks of everyday life, or unraveling the absurdities of our world, funny persuasive speech topics have the ability to entertain, inform, and inspire change.

So, let’s embrace the laughter, challenge the status quo, and remember that sometimes, a good laugh is all it takes to make a persuasive point. Thank you for joining me on this comedic journey, and may your speeches always leave your audience smiling.

Home — Blog — Topic Ideas — Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 110 Writing & Speech Ideas

Funny Persuasive Essay Topics: 110 Writing & Speech Ideas

Laughter really is the best medicine, and when it comes to the art of persuasion, funny persuasive speech topics can help you a lot. Imagine standing in front of an audience or sitting at your desk with an essay tip in hand, and instead of your usual serious and direct approach, you decide to inject a healthy dose of humor into your presentation. Welcome to a world of fun persuasive essay topics where wit meets persuasion to create a delightful and engaging conversation.

Humor has a unique way of capturing people's attention and breaking down barriers, making it an invaluable tool for any writer or speaker looking to convey a compelling message. Whether you're writing academic writing, preparing a public speaking speech, or engaging in a friendly debate, fun, persuasive essay topics can add extra punch to your presentation.

In this article, we share how persuasive speech topics funny can help you by exploring a wide range of funny persuasive essay topics that will tickle your audience to the bone and inspire thought-provoking discussions. These themes not only entertain, but also challenge traditional thinking, prompting critical reflection on various social issues and everyday mysteries.

Use the power of humor and persuasion and create a relaxed environment to inform and inspire your listeners. Whether you're an aspiring writer, an aspiring debater, or just a fun-loving person, this article will help you master the art of smoothly blending humor and persuasion.

So, get ready to embark on a journey of wit and wisdom where laughter meets logic, and learn how to make your readers or audience not only smile, but also nod in agreement. funny persuasive speech topics can be of great help to you and we will try to explore in detail the delightful world of funny persuasive essay topics and become masters of entertaining persuasion!

⭐ 10 Great Topics for a Persuasive Speech

• The Power of Laughter: Why We Should Have a Daily Dose of Comedy
• Embracing the "Messy" Life: Finding Joy in Imperfection
• The Art of Procrastination: How to Turn It into a Productivity Hack
• The Hidden Benefits of Daydreaming: Fueling Creativity and Inspiration
• The Science of Silliness: How Being Goofy Can Boost Mental Health
• The Therapeutic Value of Pet-Induced Happiness: Adopting a Furry Friend
• Unconventional Superheroes: Celebrating Everyday Heroes Among Us
• The Magic of Random Acts of Kindness: Spreading Joy and Positivity
• Emojis as a Universal Language: Decoding Modern Communication
• The Quirky World of Useless Facts: Fun Learning and Brain Gymnastics

Ideas for Finding Impressive Persuasive Essay Topics

Finding impressive persuasive essay topics can be both exciting and challenging. The key is to identify topics that not only pique your interest but also resonate with your audience. Here are some effective strategies to help you discover compelling and attention-grabbing persuasive essay topics:

• Explore Your Passions: Start by brainstorming topics that really interest you. Think about issues that you care deeply about or topics that evoke emotion. And perhaps the idea of how to start an essay funny will easily come to you. When you are passionate about a subject, it becomes easier to persuade others effectively.
• Stay Informed: Keep yourself updated with current events, social issues, and trending topics. Reading newspapers, magazines, and reputable online sources will expose you to a diverse range of persuasive essay ideas.
• Address Controversial Topics: Controversial issues often spark intense debates, making them excellent candidates for persuasive essays. Be sure to research both sides of the argument and present a well-balanced view.
• Consider Your Audience: Think about the perspective and interests of your target audience. Understanding their viewpoints will help you choose topics that resonate with them and tailor your arguments effectively.
• Look into Local Issues: Exploring problems within your community or region can add a personal touch to your essay. Local topics often strike a chord with readers, making your arguments more impactful.
• Brainstorm with Others: Discussing ideas with friends, family, or classmates can generate fresh perspectives and potential topics. Collaborating with others can lead to unique and thought-provoking essay ideas.
• Utilize Online Resources: There are numerous websites dedicated to providing persuasive essay topic ideas. Browse through these resources to gain inspiration and find unique angles for your essay.
• Examine Ethical Dilemmas: Ethical issues often raise thought-provoking questions. Consider topics that challenge the moral compass and explore potential solutions.
• Analyze Past Persuasive Essays: Reviewing successful persuasive essays can give you an idea of popular and impactful topics. However, ensure your essay presents a fresh angle to avoid repetition.
• Consider Global Concerns: Addressing global challenges like climate change, poverty, or human rights can showcase your awareness of critical issues and demonstrate your commitment to creating positive change.

Remember to choose a topic that aligns with your expertise and research interests. Impressive persuasive essay topics rely on strong arguments, reliable sources, and compelling evidence. Take the time to delve into your chosen subject, gather relevant information, and craft a persuasive essay that leaves a lasting impact on your readers. With these strategies and a dash of creativity, you'll undoubtedly discover persuasive essay topics that inspire engaging discussions and win hearts.

List of 100 Funny Persuasive Topics for You

Below we offer you a list of 100 funny and persuasive paperwork themes. We propose to divide this list into 5 main sections in which we structure the ideas for your presentation.

• The Comedic Side of Eco-Friendly Living: How to Laugh While Saving the Planet
• Eco-Fun: Hilarious Ways to Reduce Your Carbon Footprint
• The Case for Eco-Comedy: Using Humor to Advocate for Environmental Conservation
• Laughter for a Greener World: How Funny Persuasion Can Promote Sustainability
• Eco-Jokes and Conservation: Uniting Humor and Environmental Awareness
• The Funny Side of Recycling: Turning Trash into Laughs and Treasures
• Laughing Our Way to a Cleaner Future: Humorous Strategies for Eco-Consciousness
• The Green Giggle: How Environmentalists Can Embrace Humor in Their Advocacy
• Eco-Friendly Pranks and Jokes: Promoting Environmental Consciousness with Laughter
• LOL for Nature: Spreading Environmental Awareness through Hilarious Persuasion
• Comedy for Conservation: Using Humor to Inspire Eco-Friendly Choices
• Earth-Friendly Funnies: Incorporating Humor in Environmental Education
• Giggles for Green Living: Making Sustainability Fun and Engaging
• The Humorous Side of Wildlife Conservation: Laughing Our Way to Preservation
• Eco-Laughs: Humorously Debunking Environmental Myths and Misconceptions
• Jokes for the Environment: How Humor Can Catalyze Positive Change
• Laughing at Our Eco-Mistakes: Finding Humor in Imperfect Green Living
• Eco-Friendly Comedy Nights: Entertaining and Educating for a Greener World
• LOL for Earth: Humorous Approaches to Raise Environmental Awareness
• Smiles for Sustainability: How Laughter Can Drive Green Initiatives
• Cultural Comedy: Using Humor to Bridge Cultural Differences
• Laughing Across Cultures: How Humor Unites Humanity
• The Power of Cultural Satire: Addressing Stereotypes through Comedy
• Embracing Cultural Quirks: Celebrating Diversity with Laughter
• Funny Traditions Around the World: Exploring the Humorous Side of Culture
• Cultural Comedy Nights: Promoting Cultural Exchange through Humor
• The Hilarity of Language Barrier: Overcoming Misunderstandings with Laughter
• Cultural Comedy in Media: Analyzing Humorous Portrayals of Different Cultures
• Humor as a Cultural Connector: Using Laughter to Foster Understanding
• Cross-Cultural Stand-Up: Uniting Audiences with Diverse Comedy
• The Art of Cultural Parodies: Celebrating and Appreciating Diversity through Satire
• Breaking Cultural Norms with Humor: Redefining Traditions Playfully
• Humorous Cultural Misconceptions: Dispelling Myths and Prejudices
• Comedy and Cross-Cultural Communication: Embracing Humor in Global Interactions
• Funny Travel Tales: Laughing at Cultural Blunders and Experiences
• Humorous Cultural Stereotypes: Addressing Taboos with Comedy
• Laughing with Respect: Using Humor to Honor and Appreciate Cultures
• Cultural Humor in Everyday Life: Finding Joy in Diversity
• Stand-Up for Cultural Awareness: Using Comedy for Positive Change
• Cultural Comedy in the Workplace: Building Inclusive and Happy Teams

Jurisprudence

• The Courtroom Chuckle: Using Humor in Legal Persuasion
• Gavel Giggles: Humorous Approaches to Legal Argumentation
• The Art of Legal Wit: How to Win Over the Jury with Laughter
• Humor in Law School: Surviving the Rigors with a Smile
• Funny Legal Language: Unraveling the Quirky Side of Legalese
• Laughing at the Law: A Comedic Exploration of Legal Cases
• Humorous Legal Precedents: Unusual Rulings and Courtroom Tales
• The Power of Legal Satire: Addressing Legal Issues with Comedy
• Courtroom Comedy: Entertaining While Making a Case
• The Jokes of Justice: Humor in Legal Practice and Advocacy
• Wit and Wisdom in Legal Writing: Injecting Humor into Briefs
• Hilarious Deposition Moments: Finding Laughter in Serious Situations
• Stand-Up for Justice: Using Comedy to Raise Legal Awareness
• The Comedy of Contracts: Unusual and Amusing Legal Agreements
• Lawyers with Laughs: Celebrating Funny Legal Professionals
• Humorous Courtroom Quips: Funny Quotes and Anecdotes from Trials
• Legal Roast and Toast: Honoring Legal Professionals with Humor
• Law and Order Chuckles: How Comedy Can Influence Legal Reforms
• Legal Parodies and Pranks: Exploring the Lighter Side of Jurisprudence
• Hilarity in the Halls of Justice: Using Humor for Effective Legal Communication

Relationships

• The Hilarious Side of Dating: Navigating Awkward Encounters with Humor
• The Comedy of Relationship Quirks: Finding Laughter in Love
• Couple's Comedy Night: Using Humor to Strengthen Relationship Bonds
• Laughing Through Relationship Challenges: How Comedy Can Ease Tensions
• Relationship Roast and Toast: Celebrating Love with Lightheartedness
• Love and Laughter: Embracing Humor in Intimate Relationships
• Funny Relationship Advice: Unconventional Tips for a Happy Partnership
• Stand-Up for Love: Using Comedy to Communicate and Connect in Relationships
• The Art of Relationship Satire: Playfully Addressing Common Couple Issues
• Couples' Comedy Retreat: Building Stronger Bonds with Humorous Activities
• Humorous Love Letters: Adding Fun to Romantic Communication
• Relationship Pranks and Jokes: Fostering Playfulness in Love
• The Joy of Inside Jokes: Creating a World of Laughter in Relationships
• Funny Apologies in Relationships: Making Amends with Humor
• Humor in Long-Distance Relationships: Keeping Love Alive with Laughter
• The Comedy of Marriage: Exploring the Lighter Side of Matrimony
• Relationship Comedy Nights: Entertaining and Educating for a Stronger Connection
• Laughing with Your Partner: The Benefits of Shared Humor in Relationships
• Relationship Spoofs and Parodies: Celebrating Love with Playful Imitations
• Funny Relationship Confessions: Embracing Imperfections in Love
• Food Funnies: Using Humor to Spice Up Your Culinary Persuasion
• Laughing at Food Trends: Exploring the Quirky Side of Gastronomy
• The Comedy of Cooking: Finding Humor in Kitchen Mishaps
• Stand-Up for Foodies: Using Comedy to Celebrate Culinary Adventures
• The Hilarity of Food Etiquette: Embracing Table Manners with a Smile
• Food Pranks and Jokes: Playful Culinary Shenanigans
• Humorous Food Critiques: Reviewing Meals with a Dash of Wit
• The Comedy of Food History: Unearthing Funny Culinary Anecdotes
• Funny Food Pairings: Unexpected and Amusing Flavors
• Cooking with Laughter: Incorporating Humor in Culinary Education
• LOL for Foodies: Celebrating the Joy of Eating with Humor
• Food Satire and Spoofs: Exploring the Lighter Side of Culinary Culture
• The Art of Food Puns: Wordplay in the World of Gastronomy
• Food Roast and Toast: Honoring Delicious Dishes with Humor
• The Joy of Food Cartoons: Bringing Culinary Comedy to Life
• Cooking Comedy Night: Entertaining and Educating through Culinary Humor
• Humorous Food Challenges: Laughter in Culinary Competitions
• Foodie Fails and Bloopers: Embracing Kitchen Mishaps with a Smile
• The Funny Side of Food Advertising: Creative and Hilarious Marketing
• Kitchen Stand-Up: Using Comedy to Spice Up Cooking Shows

📒 Tips for Making Your Speech or Writing Funny

Humor is a powerful tool that can captivate an audience and leave a lasting impression. Whether you're delivering a speech or writing an article, injecting humor can add charm and engage your readers or listeners. Here are some valuable tips to help you infuse humor into your speech or writing effectively:

• Know Your Audience: Understand the preferences and feelings of your audience. Adjust your humor to resonate with them and avoid potentially offensive jokes. It is logical that the structure of your report will be different in different situations. If you need to come up with funny persuasive speech topics for college students, then you should choose topics that students are interested in and that will be popular among young people. If you are preparing topics for discussion with research associates, there should be much less humor before.
• Use Personal Anecdotes: Share funny and intimate personal stories that are related to your topic. Authenticity can make your humor more appealing. And then the ideas of how to start an essay funny will come to you quite easily.
• Wordplay and Puns: Incorporate clever wordplay and puns to add a witty touch to your content. Play with language to elicit laughter.
• Timing is Key: Master the art of comedic timing. Pause before delivering the punchline to build anticipation and maximize the impact.
• Embrace Observational Humor: Find humor in everyday situations and observations. This type of humor is relatable and can easily connect with your audience.
• Exaggeration and Hyperbole: Playfully exaggerate situations or characters to create humor. However, ensure it remains within a reasonable and believable context.
• Relieve Tension: Use humor to lighten serious topics or tense moments. It can ease the atmosphere and make your audience more receptive.
• Incorporate Visuals: If possible, use visuals, such as funny images or gifs, to complement your humor and enhance the comedic effect.
• Practice Delivery: Rehearse your speech or read your article out loud to gauge the flow of humor and make necessary adjustments.
• Be Yourself: Embrace your unique sense of humor. Authenticity can make your humor more genuine and endearing.
• Use Callbacks: Reference earlier jokes or anecdotes to create callbacks that bring added humor to your content.
• Avoid Offending: Steer clear of offensive humor or jokes that may alienate your audience. Aim for inclusive and lighthearted humor.
• Research Comedy: Study the work of comedians and writers known for their humor. Analyze their techniques and incorporate them into your style.
• Test the Waters: If you're unsure about a joke's reception, try it out with a small, trusted audience to gauge their reaction.
• Edit and Refine: Polish your speech or article to ensure the humor flows naturally and aligns with your overall message.

By following these tips, you can bring humor to your speech or writing, captivating your audience and leaving them with a smile. Who knows, maybe after that your colleagues will turn to you for advice, asking you how to start writing funny essay examples. Remember that humor is a powerful tool that can make your content more memorable and impactful. So, enjoy the laughter and watch your audience take your message in a whole new way!

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The Funny Bone Of Your Audience With 100 Persuasive Speech Topics

Persuasive speech is a form of art that uses the power of words and narration to persuade the targeted listeners and trust in your words. 

When delivering a persuasive speech to a live audience, the speaker must be convincing, confident, and creative to keep the audience engaged. 

The speaker must satisfy the audience’s problems and doubts and make them think and act. 

Moreover, the speaker must also use apt body language, hand and eye movement, facial expressions, humor elements, emotions, and interrogations to keep the listeners hooked to his words.

When crafting a compelling speech or presentation, consider leveraging the expertise of professionals at Allessaywriter to ensure your content is polished and impactful.

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What Are The Essential Components of All Quality Persuasive Speeches?

10 crucial steps for creating a persuasive speech.

• Always Research Your Audience/Listeners –  Determine who will attend your speech and what drives them. Also, research what values they care about most. Customer your speech to create accordingly for maximum impact!
• Pick a Slew of Ideas You Wish to Point out –  You can use 2-3 ideas to make your persuasive speech powerful and engaging. If you have several ideas, note down the ones you intend to deliver through your speech. Leave the rest to avoid confusion. 
• Include Challenges to the Present Ideas & Offer Solutions – Mention the obstacles in your persuasive speech and provide solutions. It will make the speech more engaging and meaningful for those present.
• Hook Your Audience from the Very Start – The introduction must hook the audience and create excitement in their minds. Ensure the speech is relatable to all the listeners. 
• Practice Diligently – Practice delivering the speech several times beforehand. Request a friend to review your performance and suggest improvements. Keep your intensity high and incorporate improvements every try until it becomes easy and natural. 
• Memorize Key Points Flow & Examples – It is one way to better illustrate your arguments and solutions to problems. 
• Maintain Eye Contact When You Speak – Maintain eye contact when communicating with your listeners. Don’t focus on those close to you. Scan the entire room while giving your speech. 
• Speak in a Measured Manner –  Speak slowly and in a measured way. If you have stated something important, repeat it to create maximum impact. 
• Always Finish Strong – Close your speech strongly with gravity and flair. After delivering a strong finishing sentence, don’t utter thanks! Remain silent for 4-5 seconds, and then accept your audience’s questions.
• Hear the Audience’s Questions Graciously –  Carefully answer your audience’s questions. Don’t exaggerate or speak controversial terms. Remain calm and answer honestly and contextually.

120+ Best Persuasive Speech Topics

Below are suggestions for 120+ best persuasive speech topics for academic students.

Take ideas from the below list!

Best Persuasive Speech Topics on Education 

• Is it acceptable to expel students who torment other students?
• Should free transportation be arranged for school-goers?
• Should uniforms be made mandatory for all education levels?
• Why is education essential for every individual in the society?
• Should schools provide free internet access to students?
• Do grades determine a student’s true potential?
• How can schools improve students’ talents?
• Should learning become more practical than theoretical?
• Should governments arrange free textbooks for school students?
• Why should online learning be encouraged?
• Should schools provide free breakfast and lunch to students?
• Should teachers avoid using harsh words to scold students?
• Should the government arrange for free education for backward-class students?
• Why should schools focus on moral education?
• The importance of encouraging sporting activities in school

Best Persuasive Speech Topics on College

If you're looking for persuasive speech topics related to college essays, here are some ideas:

• "The Importance of Teaching Critical Thinking Skills in College Essay Writing Courses
• "The Importance of Higher Education: Why Every Individual Should Attend College"
• "Making College Education More Affordable: Exploring Solutions to Student Debt Crisis"
• "The Value of Liberal Arts Education in a Technology-Driven World"
• "Promoting Mental Health Awareness and Support Services on College Campuses"
• "Combatting Sexual Assault on College Campuses: Strategies for Prevention and Support"
• "The Benefits of Diversity in Higher Education: Advantages for Students and Society"
• "Addressing Campus Climate: Ensuring Inclusivity and Safety for All Students"
• "Fostering Entrepreneurship and Innovation in College Curriculums"
• "The Importance of Civic Engagement and Political Awareness Among College Students"
• "Promoting Environmental Sustainability on College Campuses"
• "The Role of Sports and Athletics in College Life: Benefits Beyond Physical Health"
• "Encouraging Critical Thinking and Debate in College Classrooms"
• "The Impact of Technology on Education: Embracing Digital Learning Tools"
• "Supporting First-Generation College Students: Breaking Down Barriers to Success"

Best Persuasive Speech Topics on Ethics

• Should one accept juvenile delinquency?
• Should cops be prohibited from using guns in public?
• Should prisoners get the right to vote?
• Should the death penalty be eliminated?
• Should prostitution be made legal?
• Is substance abuse a major cause of social evil?
• What’s the moral of committing suicide?
• Should underage drinking lead to jail time?
• Should underage driving lead to legal punishments?
• Should there be a ban on child beauty pageants?
• Should burning the national flag lead to severe punishments?
• Can transgender people be allowed to join the military?
• Should those with many DUIs lose their driver's license?
• Should same-sex marriage be stopped?
• Can couples live together even without marriage?

Best Persuasive Speech Topics on Politics Should the government impose a penalty for not voting?

• How must governments prevent human trafficking?
• Should there be a borderline fence between the USA and Mexico?
• Should the 51st stage be Puerto Rico?
• Should drug possessors be sent to recovery programs rather than serve jail time?
• Should governments ban marijuana production?
• Should the army budget be lessened or increased?
• Should the government pay ransom to terrorists to protect hostages?
• Should Scotland announce their independence from the UK?
• Should parliamentary terms be limited?
• Should celebrities stay out of politics?
• Should hate politicians be restricted from campaigning?
• Is global leadership possible?
• How can one make free and just elections?
• How to stop terrorism threats in the United States of America?

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Best Persuasive Speech Topics on Health 

• Should schools incorporate sex education curricula?
• Should marijuana medication be used for patients in severe agony?
• Should people regulate the quantity of meat consumption to stay healthy?
• Why must people avoid fast foods?
• Should one with diabetes refrain from strenuous physical workouts?
• Should assisted suicides be considered ethical, or should they be restricted?
• Is concealing the HIV status with the person you sleep with considered immoral and illegal?
• Should kids over 12 years old be taught CPR ( Chest Compressions )?
• Can euthanasia help reduce suicides?
• Should healthy people turn into regular donors for the weak?
• Should plastic surgery be restricted to special medical cases?
• Should smoking be prohibited for recovering patients?
• Should governments pay more attention to producing healthier foods?
• Should patients be prevented from using mobile phones to avoid possible health issues?
• Should the consumption of birth control pills be controlled or restricted?

Best Persuasive Speech Topics on Religion 

• Can women be permitted to become priests?
• Should schools teach world religions irrespective of certain students’ religious beliefs?
• Is Islam a peaceful religion?
• Why is religion a major cause of so many wars?
• How to prevent worldwide religious conflicts?
• Should religious hate among students make grounds for expulsion?
• Should discussions like ‘Existence of God’ be done inside classrooms?
• How can one make people less volatile towards those of other religious beliefs?
• Should kids be allowed to choose their religious beliefs?
• Should slaughtering animals in the name of religion be prohibited?
• Can priests be permitted to marry?
• Should countries accept refugees/immigrants of different religious beliefs?
• Can there be one universal religion?
• Should same-sex Christian marriage be accepted?
• Should religious establishments be exempt from paying taxes?

Best Persuasive Speech Topics on Family 

• The role of daycare in a child’s all-round growth
• Is the internet becoming a dangerous place for underage children?
• Are older parents more patient than younger ones?
• Is Middle Child Syndrome truly a thing?
• Is it advantageous to bear children when young?
• Is the eldest kid more reliable?
• Why are family traditions important in shaping kids?
• How important is family game night for kids?
• Does allowing kids to play outside make them more creative?
• Are kids’ lives more stressful than their parents when they were children?
• Should kids be allowed to believe in Santa?
• How does teenage pregnancy hamper the entire family?
• Should parents allow kids to sleep on nights?
• Should parents avoid smoking in front of their children?
• Should parents reserve time alone for themselves?

Best Persuasive Speech Topics on Fashion & Music 

• Should males wear pink or shouldn’t?
• Does clothing define a person and set the first impression?
• Do fashion brands negatively influence society and young children?
• Is eco-fashion a glimpse of the future?
• Is Indie Pop popular today?
• Is jazz becoming extinct?
• Is country music still a people’s choice?
• Is music addiction a good thing?
• Is Chuck Berry the Godfather of rock and roll?
• Is Michael Jackson a legend despite the bad press?
• Is rap music a form of rebellion?
• Do musicians make decent money?
• Should music learning be a part of school curriculums?
• Should parents stop kids from watching X-rated music videos?
• Is today’s mainstream music becoming repetitive and boring?

Read this- Trending Informative Speech Topics

Best Persuasive Speech Topics on Sports 

• Why women’s sports don’t get similar recognition as their counterparts?
• Should athletes use performance-enhancement drugs?
• Are professional athletes paid sufficiently?
• Should extreme sports be prohibited?
• Should cyber sports be given equal status to other forms of sporting activities?
• Should men coaches be restricted from working with women athletes?
• Have the Olympic Games become obsolete?
• Is cheerleading a sport?
• How to prevent betting in sports?
• Who is greater – Messi or Maradona?
• Should the NBA incorporate stricter dress codes?
• Is Michael Jordan the greatest basketball inspiration for young kids?
• Should Wiffle Ball be used during training sessions?
• What determines the outcome of a hockey game?
• Should students get money for participating in sporting activities?
• Should hunting be banned as a sport?
• Should animal fighting be prohibited?

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We also have many persuasive speech samples easily accessible through our resource database.

Final Thoughts

Explore a comprehensive collection of persuasive essay examples curated to inspire and guide your writing journey. From compelling arguments to effective structures, find diverse examples covering various topics to enhance your persuasive writing skills at Allessaywriter.com.

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FAQs on Funny Persuasive Speech Topics

How do you make a good persuasive speech.

You must first pick a suitable topic for your persuasive speech. Then you must gather data and reference notes on the topic and organize them per the set layout. You must craft a persuasive speech concisely and always stay authentic in the presented information and arguments. 

You can add humor elements or use creative flair to make the speech engaging and thought-provoking for the audience. Finally, your speech must compel the audience to take meaningful action for their betterment.

What are the 5 critical steps of a quality persuasive speech?

Your persuasive speech must incorporate these 5 critical steps.

• Audience’s hook
• Conviction to audience’s problems 
• Introduce the solution and satisfy the audience’s needs
• It should provide the audience with a glimpse of the future
• Finally must compel the audience to take a meaningful call to action

What are the 7 main fundamentals of a good persuasive speech?

Every good persuasive speech must comprise these 7 critical fundamentals. They entail as follows –

• Relevant evidence 
• Empathy 

Contact our  expert writers  if you require more clarification on the nitty-gritty of producing persuasive speeches.

What are the 3 main pillars of a persuasive speech?

The 3 main pillars of a persuasive speech include as following –

• Logos 

Speak to our experts if you require individual explanations for each of these crucial pillars/techniques of a persuasive essay.

How to determine a good persuasive speech topic?

• Pick something you are familiar with
• Ensure the topic of discussion is interesting 
• The topic must hook the audience’s interests
• It should allow you to visualize 
• It should be relevant to the audiences
• It must provide the desired outcome to the presented problem
• It must motivate the audience to take action

What are some trending topics for your persuasive speech?

What should be the ideal start to your persuasive speech.

Begin with a strong introduction that hooks the audience’s interest. You can use emotions, humor, riveting data or statistics, or an interrogation! Once you engage the audience, you can introduce the topic in the thesis statement.

Need persuasive speech samples or writing help? Contact our specialists anytime. 

What are the steps to writing a 5-minute persuasive speech?

• Always analyze your listeners
• Craft a speech outline
• Begin with strong/compelling words. You can also use emotions, humor, riveting data or statistics, or an interrogation
• Be clear on the main speech message 
• Wrap up your speech with words of inspiration  

How should you format your persuasive speech?

Your persuasive speech must comprise an introduction ( with the thesis statement ), a body ( with all the main points ), and a conclusion ( what surmises everything covered ).

Consult our experts if you require writing guidance and insights on each. 

What should your persuasive speech ending entail?

• Surmise all main points in the speech
• Recap the thesis statement
• Create excitement and a feeling of finality
• Trigger a call to action among the listeners 

Bella Phillips As a passionate blogger for Essay Help USA by #1 Writing Expert 50% Off.I am currently employed at a leading Business Law firm in White Plains. I am associated with Allessaywriter.com for several years and helping the Law students with their essays.

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Cyberbullying and impacts

Cyberbullying can have severe and lasting impacts on people. One of the major consequences of cyberbullying is its detrimental effect on victims' mental health. Research has shown that victims of cyberbullying have high levels of anxiety and depression (Hinduja, S., & Patchin, J. W., 2009). Furthermore the online nature of cyberbullying makes it virtually impossible for victims to escape from the harassment which can increase feelings of helplessness and low self-esteem. Aside from these negative repercussions cyberbullying can have detrimental effects on the academic performance of the victims.

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392 Entertaining Speech Topics & Ideas

• Icon Calendar 18 May 2024
• Icon Page 3512 words
• Icon Clock 16 min read

Entertaining speech topics are an engaging mix of humor, wit, and creativity designed to captivate audiences and hold their attention. These topics span various genres, like storytelling, humorous anecdotes, satirical commentary, or engaging trivia. They are light-hearted, often infused with funny elements and interesting insights to generate laughter and evoke interest. Crafting these topics involves understanding the audience’s tastes, the occasion’s nature, and the speaker’s unique style. The goal is to entertain and enlighten simultaneously, facilitating a memorable, enjoyable experience. Moreover, these topics add a dash of fun and frolic to any gathering, breaking the monotony of serious discourses. In essence, entertaining speech topics are about creating delightful conversational journeys, transforming routine speeches into delightful performances that engage, entertain, and educate.

Best Entertaining Speech Topics

• Revealing Unusual Facts About Popular Food Items
• Debunking Common Misconceptions in Science
• Adventures in Cooking: Epic Kitchen Disasters
• Decoding the Language of Cats and Dogs
• Exploring Bizarre World Records and the Stories Behind Them
• Aliens: Imagining Life Beyond Earth
• Outrageous Fashion Trends in History
• Secret Life of a Couch Potato: Adventures in Binge-Watching
• Navigating the Maze of Teenage Slang
• Inside the Mind of a Procrastinator: An Amusing Exploration
• Discovering Hidden Meanings in Popular Song Lyrics
• Tales From the Supermarket: Funny Anecdotes and Observations
• Delving Into the World of Quirky Festivals
• Life Lessons Learned From My Pet Goldfish
• Excursions Into Unknown: The Thrills and Spills of Virtual Reality
• Astonishing Facts About Everyday Objects
• In the Realm of Video Games: A Journey Through Pixels
• Unveiling Secrets of a Compulsive Online Shopper
• Laughing at Adulthood: Navigating the “Real World” as a Millennial

Simple Entertaining Speech Topics

• Unmasking the Humor in Everyday Life
• Delving Into Fun Facts About Animals
• Mastering the Art of Sleeping Anywhere
• Decoding the Weird World of Dreams
• Conquering the Closet: Tales of a Shopaholic
• Enchanting World of Animated Movies: A Light-Hearted Discussion
• Adventures of Learning a New Language
• How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse: A Fun Survival Guide
• Unlocking the Mysteries of a Teenager’s Bedroom
• Tales From the High School Drama: A Comic Perspective
• Recounting Memorable Misadventures in Camping
• How to Ace the Art of Doing Nothing?
• Diving Deep Into the Ocean of Comic Books
• Untold Stories of a Thrift Shop Enthusiast
• A Humorous Take on Cooking Disasters
• Exploring the Magic World of Fairy Tales
• Life Lessons From Saturday Morning Cartoons
• An Amusing Tour Through the World of Reality TV
• Rediscovering the Joys of Childhood Games

Interesting Entertaining Speech Topics

• Discovering Hidden Gems in Vintage Movies
• Understanding the Subtleties of Sarcasm
• Imaginary Adventures of a Time Traveler
• Examining Bizarre Predictions of the Future From the Past
• Humorous Encounters With Strangers: A Collection of Anecdotes
• Unraveling the Enigma of Abstract Art
• Navigating Through the Quirky World of Social Media Trends
• Engaging Journey Through the World of Board Games
• Appreciating the Wit in Political Satire
• Stories of Unforgettable Travel Blunders
• Delving Into the Intriguing World of Conspiracy Theories
• Exploring Unusual Sports Around the World
• Fascinating World of Science Fiction: Robots and Beyond
• Magic of Stand-Up Comedy: An Insightful Look
• Thrilling Stories of Unexpected Adventures in Foreign Lands
• Debunking Myths and Misconceptions About the Internet
• Decoding the Enigma of Modern Art
• Finding Humor in Unlikely Places
• Amusing Incidents From Behind the Scenes of a Theatre Production
• Lessons in Humor From Iconic Sitcoms

Entertaining Speech Topics for High School

• Decoding the Language of Emojis
• Comic Chronicles of a High School Freshman
• Navigating the Maze of Popular Teen Slang
• Light-Hearted Tour of School Cafeteria Food
• Solving the Mystery of Disappearing Pens
• Unveiling the Secret Life of a High School Mascot
• How to Survive Prom Night: A Humorous Guide
• Unraveling the Charm of School Rivalries
• Behind the Scenes: Funny Stories From School Plays
• Comic Misadventures of a Substitute Teacher
• Fantasy vs. Reality: A Light-Hearted Look at High School Movies
• Adventures in School Clubs: A Humorous Perspective
• Humorous Tales From the School Bus
• Teenage Trends: A Comical Insight
• Reliving the Drama of Science Fair Disasters
• Superheroes in Disguise: A Tribute to Teachers
• Revisiting Classic School Pranks
• Tales From the Lost and Found Box
• Examining the Art of Procrastination
• Exploring the Humor in High School Yearbooks

Entertaining Speech Topics for College Students

• Decoding Dorm Life: The Funniest Experiences
• Coffee Culture and College Students: A Satirical View
• Navigating the Labyrinth of College Textbooks
• Surviving All-Nighters: A Guide With a Twist
• Unraveling the Enigma of Group Projects
• Inside the World of College Mascots
• Fascinating Traditions of Fraternities and Sororities
• Hilarious Episodes in a Lecture Hall
• Understanding the Art of College Acronyms
• Coping With Roommates: A Comical Account
• Campus Legends and Their Quirky Origins
• Holidays at Home: Adjusting to Life After College
• Side-Splitting Tales From Study Abroad Trips
• Fitness Center Follies: Gym Experiences on Campus
• Innocently Navigating the Complexities of College Dating
• Exam Prep Misadventures: From Panic to Triumph
• Deciphering the Peculiarities of Professors
• Anecdotes From College Sporting Events
• Dining Hall Delights and Disasters

Funny Entertainment Speech Topics

• Laughing Matters: Why Comedy is Essential
• Navigating the Absurdity of Social Media
• Unspoken Rules of Texting: A Hilarious Guide
• Pet Peeves and Their Comical Justifications
• Misadventures in the Kitchen: A Light-Hearted Look
• Peculiarities of Public Transport: An Amusing Account
• Grocery Shopping Fails: Tales From the Aisles
• Jogging Mishaps: A Comical Perspective
• Exploring the Comedy in Everyday Life
• Alien Invasions: A Funny Take on Sci-Fi
• Humor in Horror Movies: A Quirky Exploration
• Fashion Faux Pas: A Light-Hearted Perspective
• Awkward Moments in Elevators: A Comical Take
• Funnily Misunderstood Lyrics in Popular Music
• Why Is Laughter the Best Medicine?
• Dating Disasters: A Humorous Perspective
• Funny Face: The World of Slapstick Comedy
• Amusing Anecdotes From International Travel
• Workplace Woes: A Light-Hearted Look
• Turning Everyday Blunders Into Comedy Gold

Entertaining Argumentative Speech Topics

• Mars Colonization: A Comical Rundown of Possible Scenarios
• Cultural Humor: Analyzing Its Universality
• Dystopian Novels: An Amusing Paradox of Pessimism and Hope
• Controversial Satire: Pushing Boundaries or Crossing Lines?
• Celebrity Culture: Amusing Perspectives on Modern Idolatry
• Cognitive Biases: A Light-Hearted Examination
• Pop Music’s Comical Repetitiveness: Intentional or Not?
• Political Comedy: A Balance Between Humor and Offense
• Diet Fads: An Amusing Look at Our Quest for Health
• Navigating the Absurdity of the Internet
• Artificial Intelligence: Amusing Predictions and Fears
• Superhero Fatigue: A Comical Look at Hollywood’s Obsession
• Satirical Takes on Environmental Conservation Efforts
• Fashion Industry’s Hilarious Blunders: A Critical Analysis
• Technological Faux Pas: A Humorous Outlook on Advancements
• Modern Dating: A Hilarious Examination of Courtship Rituals
• Language Blunders: Amusing Miscommunications and Their Consequences
• Reality Television: An Entertaining Yet Scathing Critique
• Social Media Influencers: A Comical Analysis of Fame

Entertaining Persuasive Speech Topics

• Why Time Travel Should Be Left to the Movies: A Light-Hearted Analysis
• Redefining Productivity: The Humorous Side of Procrastination
• In Defense of Alien Life: A Witty Perspective
• Our Fascination With Superheroes: An Amusing Examination
• The Comedic Potential of Misunderstood Art Movements
• Persuading Society to Embrace the Absurd: A Jocular Perspective
• Turning Failures Into Success: A Light-Hearted Rhetorical Exercise
• Why Should Laughter Be a Mandatory Subject in Schools?
• A Comical Approach to Decoding Dreams: Persuasive Arguments
• Advocating for Pajamas at the Workplace: A Witty Plea
• Arguing for the Superiority of Fiction over Reality
• In Favor of Extraterrestrial Tourism: A Hilarious Perspective
• Encouraging Random Acts of Kindness With Humor
• Why the World Needs More Stand-Up Comedians: A Funny Argument
• Persuading Audiences to Appreciate the Humor in Science
• In Support of Mandatory Nap Time for Adults: A Witty Argument
• A Hilarious Defense of Oddball Sports: Persuasive Points
• Articulating the Need for More Comedic Literature: A Jocular Stance
• Why Reality Television Needs Its Own Olympic Games: A Comical Proposal
• Arguing for More Humorous Interpretations in History Lessons

Entertaining Informative Speech Topics

• Unexpected Life Lessons From Video Games
• Myths and Truths About Space Travel: A Light-Hearted Examination
• Fun Facts About the Animal Kingdom
• Bizarre Food Combinations That Actually Work
• Laughing Your Way Through History’s Strangest Moments
• Famous Art Pieces and Their Quirky Backstories
• Unexpected Adventures in Couchsurfing
• The Hidden Science of Everyday Phenomena
• Exploring Our Strange Universe: Weird Astronomy Facts
• Strange But True: World Records That Will Baffle You
• The Fascinating World of Cryptozoology
• Behind the Scenes of a Circus: A Light-Hearted Overview
• The Colorful History of Cartoons
• The Art and Science Behind Magic Tricks
• Origins and Oddities of Common Superstitions
• Unraveling the Mystery of Dreams: A Fun Exploration
• Laughing It Off: The Science Behind Humor
• Eccentric Inventors and Their Odd Creations
• Delightful Discoveries From the Depths of the Ocean

Creative Entertaining Speech Topics

• Invisible Worlds: The Amazing Life of Microbes
• Imaginary Lands and Their Influence on Real Culture
• Secrets of the Silver Screen: Unusual Facts About Hollywood
• Time Travel and Its Potential Paradoxes
• In the Mind of an Octopus: Exploring Animal Intelligence
• Behind Comic Strips: The Untold Stories
• Unsung Heroes: Lesser-Known Inventors Who Changed Our Lives
• Musical Mysteries: Hidden Meanings in Popular Songs
• The Art of Procrastination: Making Laziness Work for You
• Cooking Catastrophes: Epic Kitchen Fails and What We Can Learn From Them?
• Beyond Pizza: Creative Approaches to Using Yeast in Cooking
• The Wacky History of Women’s Fashion
• Amazing Architectural Wonders of the World
• Incredible Origins of Everyday Items
• Bizarre Laws Around the World and Why They Exist
• Enthralling Histories of Popular Games
• Behind Closed Doors: The Strange Habits of Brilliant Minds
• Secrets of Magic Tricks Revealed: From Coin Tricks to Escape Arts
• The Wonderful World of Sleep: Dreams and Their Interpretation
• Unearthly Places on Earth: From Spooky Forests to Radiant Beaches

Inspirational Entertaining Speech Topics

• Ordinary Heroes: Everyday People Doing Extraordinary Things
• Kindness in Unexpected Places: Stories of Human Decency
• Lessons From Space: How Astronauts Teach Us to Dream Big?
• Empowering Stories From the Animal Kingdom
• Hidden Treasures: Unearthing Your Hidden Potential
• Turning Adversity Into Advantage: Famous People Who Overcame Challenges
• Silent Sermons: Learning From Nature’s Wisdom
• Unexpected Journeys: Embracing Change and Adventure
• Lightning Strikes of Genius: Aha Moments That Changed History
• Unconventional Success Stories: From Failures to Innovators
• Resilience Revealed: How to Bounce Back From Setbacks?
• Chasing Rainbows: Positive Perspectives on Life’s Storms
• Finding Serenity in Simplicity: The Beauty of Minimalism
• Conquering Mountains: Tales of Real and Metaphorical Climbs
• Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Travelers
• Brilliant Blunders: Mistakes That Led to Amazing Discoveries
• Heartfelt Humor: How Can Laughter Change Lives?
• Embracing Diversity: Celebrating Differences as Strengths
• The Power of Gratitude: How Saying Thank You Can Transform Your Life

Entertaining Speech Topics for Graduation Ceremonies

• Sleepless Nights: My Hilarious Journey Surviving Final Exams
• Midnight Snacking: My Comical Experiences With Dorm Room Cooking
• Procrastination Chronicles: My Last-Minute Adventures in Thesis Writing
• Library Labyrinth: My Humorous Exploration of University Stacks
• Campus Life Chaos: My Amusing Encounters With College Mascots
• Study Group Shenanigans: My Funny Tales From Late-Night Group Studies
• Internship Insanity: My Unexpected Adventure in the Corporate World
• Textbook Travails: My Comical Struggles With Overpriced Textbooks
• Dormitory Dramas: My Hilarious Experience Living With Roommates
• Pranks and Laughter: My Collection of University Prank Stories
• Navigating Nutritional Nonsense: My Journey through College Cafeteria Food
• Morning Class Misadventures: My Hilarious Experiences With 8 AM Lectures
• Football Follies: My Comical Misunderstandings of College Game Day Traditions
• Cap and Gown Capers: My Hilarious Experience Getting Ready for Graduation
• Honor Code High Jinks: My Comical Run-Ins With School Policies
• Academic Adventures: My Personal Journey Surviving Graduate School
• Professor Peculiarities: My Humorous Observations of Professorial Quirks
• Diploma Dilemma: My Funny Story of Misplacing My Degree Certificate
• Adventures in Adulting: My Comical Attempts at Balancing Studies and Responsibilities
• First Job Fumbles: My Amusing Introduction to the World of Work After Graduation
• Success in Sneakers: Celebrating the Journey Beyond Academic Robes
• Passport to Future: Embracing Post-Graduation Adventures
• Funny Confessions of a Soon-to-be Graduate
• Hitting the Real World: From Classrooms to Boardrooms
• Classroom Chronicles: Revisiting Our Most Memorable Moments
• Learning From Failures: Anecdotes of College Life
• Unpacking the Student Survival Kit: Tips and Tricks for the Real World
• Life Lessons We Didn’t Learn From Textbooks
• Saying Goodbye to Midnight Oil: The End of Exam Seasons
• Funny Misadventures of an Almost-Alumnus
• Embracing Unknowns: Our Next Steps Beyond the University
• Triumphs and Trials: Tales From the College Life
• From Freshman Fears to Senior Smiles: Our Journey Through University
• Breaking Free From the Bubble: Entering the Real World
• Dormitory Diaries: Amusing Tales of Shared Living
• Beyond Degrees: Valuable Skills We’ve Gained in College
• Education, Entertainment, and Everything in Between: Reflecting on Our Years in School
• Life After the Last Lecture: Preparing for Post-College Life
• Highlight Reel: Remembering Our Best Moments in School
• Untold Stories of Unsung Heroes: Appreciating the People Who Made Our College Journey Possible

Entertaining Speech Topics for Wedding Receptions

• Anecdotes From the Aisle: My Comical Experience as a Nervous Groom
• Unexpected Guests: My Hilarious Experience With Wedding Crashers
• Battling the Bouquet: My Funny Story of the Scramble for the Bridal Bouquet
• The Wedding DJ Fiasco: My Experience With an Unexpected Playlist
• Mix-Up at the Altar: My Humorous Account of a Wedding Day Gaffe
• Cake Catastrophes: My Amusing Encounter With a Collapsing Wedding Cake
• Lost and Found: My Hilarious Search for a Misplaced Wedding Ring
• Best Man Blunders: My Comical Experience Delivering a Last-Minute Speech
• Racing Against Rain: My Funny Story of an Outdoor Wedding and Unpredictable Weather
• Bridesmaid Chaos: My Journey Navigating the Intricacies of Bridal Party Etiquette
• Honeymoon Hurdles: My Comical Misadventures Following the Wedding
• Unveiling the Unexpected: My Experience With a Surprise Wedding Theme
• Catering Comedy: My Amusing Encounter With a Wedding Menu Mishap
• Tackling the Two-Step: My Hilarious Struggles With Wedding Dance Lessons
• Memorable Matrimony: My Personal Account of a Surprise Wedding Proposal at a Reception
• From Panic to Perfection: My Personal Journey Organizing a Wedding Reception
• Cultural Collision: My Hilarious Experience at a Multi-Cultural Wedding Reception
• Dodging the Garter: My Funny Story of Avoiding the Garter Toss
• Lost in Translation: My Hilarious Misinterpretation at a Bilingual Wedding
• Photo Booth Funnies: My Amusing Experience With Wedding Reception Photo Props
• Happily Ever After: How Fairy Tales Mislead Us
• First Impressions: Initial Thoughts Upon Meeting the Couple
• Behind the Scenes: Amusing Wedding Planning Anecdotes
• Tying the Knot: A Humorous Look at Married Life
• Decoding the Couple: Interpreting Their Unique Love Language
• Couch Confessions: Funny Stories From the Couple’s First Home
• Nuptial Narratives: Entertaining Memories From the Couple’s Journey
• Dressing the Bride: Hilarious Bridal Shopping Tales
• Traveling Together: Amusing Stories From the Couple’s Adventures
• Newlywed Nutshell: The Unspoken Rules of Marriage
• Laughing Through Love: Why Is Humor Essential in Marriage?
• Romantic Missteps: Lessons Learned From Bad Dates
• Dinner Disasters: Tales of Culinary Misadventures as Newlyweds
• Adventures in In-Law Land: Navigating Family Relationships
• The Promise of Forever: Funny Predictions About the Couple’s Future
• Lost in Translation: Amusing Miscommunications in the Relationship
• Navigating the Wedding Day: Comical Survival Tips for the Newlyweds
• Love’s Learning Curve: Educational Moments in the Relationship
• Toasts and Roasts: Light-Hearted Ribbing of the Newlyweds
• Growing Old Together: Imagining the Couple in Fifty Years

Entertaining Speech Topics for Birthday Parties

• A Trip Down Memory Lane: Recalling the Birthday Person’s Childhood
• Candles and Wishes: Imagining Outlandish Birthday Wishes
• Age Is Just a Number: Amusing Tales of Aging Gracefully
• Birthday Bloopers: Funny Stories From Past Celebrations
• Growing Up Isn’t So Bad: Humorous Perspectives on Adulthood
• Beneath the Wrapping Paper: Amusing Gift-Giving Experiences
• Cake Catastrophes: Comical Stories Involving Birthday Desserts
• Unexpected Surprises: Hilarious Moments From Surprise Parties
• Lessons Learned: Funny Life Lessons From the Birthday Celebrant
• Behind the Balloons: Unveiling Party Planning Secrets
• Unwrapping the Past: Sharing Comical Memories of the Birthday Celebrant
• Party Games Gone Wrong: Hilarious Mishaps From Party Entertainment
• Navigating Through Life: A Humorous Guide Inspired by the Birthday Person
• Celebrating in Style: Hilarious Fashion Trends over the Years
• Adding Another Candle: Light-Hearted Views on Getting Older
• Yearly Reflections: Comical Changes Seen Over the Past Year
• Blowing Out the Candles: Unexpected Wishes for the Future
• Graying With Grace: Laughing at the Perks of Aging
• On This Day: A Comical Review of Historical Events on the Birthday Date
• Dance Floor Diaries: Funny Stories From Birthday Celebrations

Entertaining Speech Topics for Award Ceremonies

• First Podium Experience: Personal Amusing Tales From My Initial Award Ceremony
• Unexpected Nomination: How I Handled the Surprise of My Life?
• My Most Memorable Mishap at an Award Ceremony
• Shaking Hands With Stardom: My First Celebrity Encounter at an Award Ceremony
• Navigating the Glitz: My Personal Journey Through the Glamour of Award Ceremonies
• A Peek Behind the Curtain: My Involvement in Organizing an Award Ceremony
• Red Carpet Runway: My First-Time Experiences With the Paparazzi
• Bloopers and Blunders: My Personal Embarrassing Moments at Award Ceremonies
• My Unanticipated Victory: The Comical Aftermath of Winning an Award
• Chasing the Spotlight: My Pursuit of Recognition and the Humor Found Along the Way
• Tales From the Trophy Case: My Personal Anecdotes of Award Winning
• Dress Code Disaster: My Funny Story of a Wardrobe Malfunction at an Award Ceremony
• From Audience to Stage: The Humorous Transition From Spectator to Award Winner
• Journey of an Underdog: My Light-Hearted Story of Winning Against the Odds
• Stumbling Into Stardom: My Comical Journey to Winning an Award
• Countdown to the Ceremony: My Personal Experience of Pre-Award Anticipation
• Lessons From Loss: My Experience With Not Winning and the Humor in Hindsight
• The Envelope Please: My Personal Reflections on The Moments Before Winning
• Struggling With the Speech: My Attempt to Deliver a Witty Acceptance Address

Entertaining Speech Topics for Talent Shows

• Backstage Bloopers: My Funny Experiences Behind the Scenes at Talent Shows
• Unexpected Performances: My Amusing Personal Encounter With Unusual Talents
• Nerves on Display: My Comical Battle With Stage Fright at a Talent Show
• Spotlight Surprise: My Unexpected Star Turn at a Local Talent Show
• Learning to Laugh: My Journey From Talent Show Failure to Comedic Triumph
• Misplaced Props: My Hilarious Story of Performing Without Key Items
• Harmonizing With Hilarity: My Experience in a Comically Out-of-Tune Singing Group
• Twirling Into Trouble: My Comical Mishap as a First-Time Baton Twirler
• Magic Mishaps: My Experience With a Trick Gone Wrong at a Talent Show
• Outshined by a Juggler: My Comical Tale of Being Upstaged at a Talent Show
• My First Attempt at Stand-Up Comedy: A Journey Into Uncharted Humorous Territory
• Finding My Voice: My Funny Journey From Shower Singer to Talent Show Star
• Dancing With Disaster: My Hilarious Experience of a Dance Routine Gone Wrong
• Striking the Wrong Chord: My Comical Experience With a Musical Instrument at a Talent Show
• Acrobatic Antics: My Attempt to Impress With Gymnastics and the Humorous Result
• Illusion or Confusion: My Comic Experience as an Amateur Magician
• Spontaneous Compositions: My Unexpected Creation of a Humorous Song Onstage
• Laughing Off a Letdown: My Tale of Resilience After a Disastrous Talent Show
• Ventriloquism Vs. Stage Fright: My Funny Endeavor With Puppetry
• Out of Step: My Experience With a Hilarious Dance-Off in a Talent Show

Entertaining Speech Topics for Debates

• Pineapple Pizza: A Delightful Adventure or a Culinary Blunder?
• Aliens Among Us: An Entertaining Perspective on Extraterrestrial Life
• Superhero Showdown: Batman vs. Superman in a Light-Hearted Debate
• Fashion Forward: Converse Sneakers or Stilettos for Everyday Wear?
• Laughable Legends: Unpacking the Mystery of Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster
• Unsettled Universe: Pluto’s Status as a Planet, a Comic Discourse
• Dunking Donuts: A Delightful Discussion on the Superior Breakfast Pastry
• Musical Mayhem: Classic Rock vs. Today’s Pop, a Lively Comparison
• Netflix Nostalgia: Debating the Merits of Friends vs. the Office
• Adorable Animals: Penguins vs. Otters, the Ultimate Showdown
• Baffling Beverages: Coffee vs. Tea, a Jovial Joust
• Fast Food Folly: McDonald’s vs. Burger King, an Entertaining Confrontation
• Compelling Comics: Marvel vs. DC, a Light-Hearted Analysis
• Charming Chocolates: Milk Chocolate vs. Dark, a Delightful Dialogue
• Incredible Instruments: Guitar vs. Piano, an Amusing Showdown
• Cartoon Controversy: Tom and Jerry vs. Looney Tunes, a Light-Hearted Debate
• Perfect Pets: Dogs Vs. Cats, an Endearing Exchange
• Reality TV Rumble: Survivor vs. the Bachelor, a Hilarious Debate
• Decadent Desserts: Cheesecake vs. Brownies, an Engaging Encounter

Entertaining Speech Topics for Comedy Nights

• Peculiar Pet Peeves: A Comedic Exploration
• Dating Disasters: Hilarious Accounts From the Front Line
• Being the Youngest: Tales of Pranks and Privileges
• Fumbles in Foreign Lands: Travel Faux Pas
• Retail Therapy: The Farcical Side of Shopping Sprees
• Exercising Errors: Gym Fails and Fitness Flubs
• Endearing Escapades With My Grandparents: Anecdotes From Childhood
• Dining Room Debacles: My Attempts at Cooking
• Jumbled Journeys: Chronicles of Lost Luggage and Delayed Flights
• Confessions of a Klutz: An Amusing Encounter With Gravity
• Social Media Mishaps: Navigating the Virtual Jungle
• Technologically Trapped: Funny Encounters With Modern Gadgets
• Crazy Commute Chronicles: My Public Transport Adventures
• Dreadful DIY Disasters: Home Improvement Humor
• Mismatched Mornings: When Coffee Is Not Enough?
• Sibling Rivalry: Funny Family Fights and Forgiveness
• Pursuing Passions: My Humorous Hobbies Misadventures
• Living Alone: Comedic Consequences of Independence
• Juggling Jobs: The Lighter Side of Part-Time Work
• Behind the Wheel: An Amusing Look at Learning to Drive

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110 Really Funny Informative Speech Topics

Hilarious speech topics will smile at the reader even before he starts reading. Imagine the joy you will have shared with a reader who has had an all gloomy day. Mastering this craft does not mean that you should be a comedian, no. On the contrary, you just need to know how to play along with words, and you’ll have achieved it.

Quickly let’s explore what an informative speech topic is .

Speaking informatively means delivering an address to an audience on a new issue. In other words, it entails blending originality and creativity to come up with something new, just like one of Da Vinci’s masterpieces.

Now let’s look at some entertaining speech topics that will get you all geared up to start your essay.

A-List of 110 Informative Speech Topics

Let’s keep it short and straight to the point. We will place the funny persuasive speech topics in groups depending on a given category.

And off we go!

Informative Speech Topics on Education

• Is corporal punishment useful in college?
• What is the impact of untrained teachers on students?
• At what age should children start school?
• The growth of e-learning and its impact
• Boarding schools versus day schools
• The publisher’s role in enhancing learning
• Is digital media a solution to contemporary classroom learning?
• Impact of teacher’s and lecture’s strikes on learning activities
• How is special needs education effective?
• At what time should students go to school?
• Should students go for long holidays?
• How much homework should students have?
• The effect of remedial lessons to learners
• Should students have retake classes?
• Bullying should stop in schools
• Are schools feeding our children, right?
• Is there a need for a new curriculum?
• Grades versus skills
• What is the cause of school dropouts?
• Teachers should have a personal relationship with students.

Technology Informative Speech Topics

• Interesting facts about robots
• Technology and food production
• Is technology getting destructive?
• The need for more innovation hubs
• Is it possible that we are under surveillance?
• How has technology reduced the crime rate?
• The strides made in space exploration
• How safe are our emails?
• Impact of 3D on video production
• Can we stop nuclear attacks?
• How is cancer-related to UV radiation?
• Technology and ethics
• The world as a global village
• What is the future of AI
• Hacking and data security
• How to configure a Local Area Network
• Wireless Fidelity network optimizations
• The smartphone technology
• The paperless society
• Technology and religion

Fun Speech Topics on Environment

• Combating environmental disasters
• Are we endangering rare species?
• How to best treat industrial waste
• What if we all planted a tree a day?
• Our role in alleviating the effects of global warming
• What is the cause of the Australian bush fires?
• Crops that best conserve water catchments
• Tree species of aesthetic value
• Effects of overpopulation on the environment
• How to best deal with non-biodegradable water
• Causes of landslides and earthquakes
• Incorporating environmental studies in the education curriculum
• The depleting ozone layer
• What to know about the Amazon Rainforest
• The history of the Major Oak
• What causes acid rain?
• How to convert waste into useful matter
• Greener living
• The greenhouse effect
• Conserving watersheds

Funny Impromptu Speech Topics on Finance

• How can you mend your torn pocket?
• Applying for a credit card like a boss
• You don’t need a million dollars to start saving
• The snail moving economy
• How to save money like Bill Gates
• How to run an away with debt without getting caught
• Does your bank account compare to the number of Donald Trump’s Twitter followers?
• Solving money problems like a supreme court
• How to make money by using your phone
• Who invented the root of all evil, money?
• Stop internet banking! It will leave you penniless
• How to get paid twice a month without sweating
• How to stop spending like a teenager
• Getting rid of the rats that chew your money in the bank
• Stop spending all your time on TV; it won’t pay your bills

Funny Media Persuasive Speech Topics

• Are human beings becoming like the cartoons they watch?
• How to free yourself from the cell phone
• How do news anchors fit in a 32’ TV screen?
• The cause of TV addiction among women
• How does the media propagate fake news?
• Sensational reporting and its effects
• Watching less TV and you will see less of the doctor
• How photography transforms people into celebrities
• Getting rid of those annoying media adverts
• The story behind The Titanic movie
• How to flip a newspaper like a pro
• Media icons everybody would want to meet
• Top 5 TV flops
• The most captivating TV show
• Why the watershed period should be longer

Interesting Speech Topics on Relationships

• How to meet the girl of your dreams
• Getting rid of that boring boyfriend
• Does age matter in relationships?
• The history of relationships
• The beauty of loving and being loved back
• The secret to growing old with your partner
• Do long-distance relationships last long?
• Who else thinks that same-sex relationships can’t work?
• When should one get married?
• How can you recognize red alerts in relationships?
• When you fall in love with your heart, don’t leave your mind behind
• The stages of marriage
• Take me back to the 60’s relationships
• Solving misunderstandings in relationships
• The best time to propose to a lady
• What to do when you are rejected
• Benefits of staying single
• Is Valentine’s Day still relevant?
• The best meal to order for a date
• Which rose color is best for a proposal?

It is clear from these fun persuasive speech topics that they can grab the attention of the audience at first sight. Why don’t you pick one and show your writing prowess with it today? Need help? We offer professional writing help on all essay assignments at pocket-friendly costs. Dare to dream with us today!

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Great funny speeches 

5 keys to writing & delivering humorous speeches.

By:  Susan Dugdale   | Last modified: 01-04-2023

Many of us long to give a great funny speech.

We imagine ourselves being oh, so witty.  In our minds, we tell jokes effortlessly. We see our audience beam appreciatively, and hear them roar and snort with laughter in the places they're meant to. Of course the applause as we finish triumphantly is thunderous. 

Sadly though, we really don't know how, or where to start to write, or deliver one. 

If that's you, this is your page!

5 keys to writing & delivering great funny speeches

1. understanding the purpose of your speech.

Is the primary goal of your speech to be funny or is it to impart knowledge with humor?

Unless you are a stand-up comedian, the main purpose of your speech is probably to give your message in an entertaining way, which will include humor.

This means that you will use humor as a tool to help you communicate, to carry your message to the audience. It is not the main focus of your speech but an enjoyable addition.

The more integrated the humor is with your speech subject, the more effective it will be.

Getting clear on your primary goal will help you decide how you plan, write and deliver your speech.

2. Understanding humor

Humor comes in many shapes and sizes from small smirks to full blown belly laughs. To use it effectively it helps to have an understanding of its varieties. This enables you to choose what will suit your audience, your speech topic, and the occasion.

Types of verbal humor and word play

Visit my page types of verbal humor and word play for definitions and examples of puns, irony, hyperbole, innuendo, spoonerisms and more. Much more! 

Verbal humor is deliciously silly stuff. Like this wonderful double malapropism that's kept me chortling for umpteen years. It was in a student's essay.  (Thank you Tina.)

"The statue of Liberace and the Star Strangled Banger"

Sometimes marking is glorious!

Physical humor

My page on  physical humor will give you an introduction to using gesture or body language as an aid to laughter.

You'll find explanations and exercises to help you explore using your body to express yourself.

Finding the confidence to play with physical humor, to allow yourself to experiment, will reward you enormously. Because,  as I say in the introduction to the page:

"Physical humor has an immediacy that by passes language completely and goes straight to the funny center. It transcends age groups, gender and culture."

 It's the language everybody understands.

Verbal and physical humor are the core elements you'll bring together when crafting your speech.

3. Integrating humor

What works, what doesn't, and why?

We know adding humor to our presentations makes them more effective and more memorable but sometimes the more we try, the worse it gets. The jokes fall excruciatingly flat.

You can avoid that pain by reading  how to use humor effectively .

Those great funny speeches you admire bring more than a knowledge of the basic "ha-ha, hee-hee" building blocks together.

4. Storytelling & characterization

How to use humorous stories or anecdotes in speeches. There's three pages to browse. All of them will deepen your understanding.

-  story telling in speeches  - choosing & shaping a story. What story fits your speech purpose, your audience and your content?

-  story telling set-ups Having a great funny story to tell is good. Having a great introduction or set-up to it, is even better. Find out how do that well.

-  characterization techniques  enable you to become the characters in your story. Your stories are so much richer for it.

5. Rehearsal/practice = great funny speeches

Having prepared your speech, you're ready for rehearsal.

Practice, and then more practice, will hone and refine your speech. You'll find out what works, what doesn't, where you need to edit and why.

Truly, I'm not exaggerating when I say that practice can make all the difference between being splendiferously successful and disappointment.

Read my story about giving a humorous speech .  That ought to convince you! This was a lesson straight from the "should-have-known-better department".

The tips you need for rehearsing are below.

• how to rehearse  - a step by step guide to get the best out of the time you spend practicing.
• vocal variety - how to use your voice effectively This page also has ongoing links information and exercises for using pauses, varying the rate of speech, how to speak clearly and  more - all of which are needed for humor.

Other resources for preparing great funny speeches

* Videoed speeches from  Toastmaster's Humorous Speaking Contests   Among other things like content, structure, choice of vocabulary, use of voice, they're good for seeing how gesture and movement helps tell the story.

(What I find really interesting about these is how personal preference plays into which I think are great funny speeches, and which I don't. I can see and hear competency and confidence. That's a base level requirement. However, beyond that individual sensibilities take over. ☺)  

* Tony Audrieth's The Art of Using Humor in Public Speaking . This is an in-depth exploration of the aspects that combine to successfully deliver a funny speech. You'll find examples of humor types, notes of delivery and practice as well as suggested sources for quotes and jokes. I think it's superb - an immensely valuable resource.

* A useful collection of fun speech topics - good for starters if you're stuck. 

• Return to top of great funny speeches

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Funny Presentation Speech Topics for Students: Make ‘Em Laugh

Table of contents

• 1 How to Make a Speech Funny
• 2.1 Funny Ted Talk Topics
• 2.2 Funny Motivational Speeches
• 2.3 Fun Persuasive Speech Ideas
• 2.4 Fun Impromptu Speech Topics
• 2.5 Funny Speech Opening Lines For Students
• 2.6 Funny Demonstration Speech Topics College Students
• 2.7 Funny Informative Speech Topics
• 2.8 Funny Presentation Topics
• 2.9 Funny Expository Speech Topics
• 2.10 Funny Entertaining Speech Topics
• 2.11 Funny How To Ideas For Speech
• 3 Famous Funny Speeches

Crafting a compelling speech that keeps your audience engaged and amused can be a challenge, especially for students. However, with the right topic and approach, you can transform your presentation into an unforgettable experience. This article is your ultimate guide to mastering the art of humor in speeches. Whether you’re preparing for a college assignment, a Ted Talk, or simply looking to entertain your peers, we’ve got you covered with a wide range of funny speech topics, hilarious presentation ideas, and much more.

Explore how to inject humor into your speeches, discover funny topics that resonate with college students, and learn the secrets of delivering funny, motivational, and even informative talks. From clever opening lines to humorous demonstration ideas, this article is packed with inspiration to help you craft a speech that’s not only engaging but also memorable. Dive into our collection of funny expository, entertaining, and impromptu speech topics to find the perfect fit for your next presentation.

Ready to make your audience laugh and learn at the same time? Keep reading to uncover the keys to a successful funny speech and turn your next presentation into the highlight of the day. Let’s turn those giggles into full-blown laughs with our expert insights and unique ideas!

How to Make a Speech Funny

Injecting humor into a speech transforms it from mundane to memorable. Begin with a strong foundation of funny persuasive speech ideas or funny argumentative speech topics. These topics naturally lend themselves to humor, making your job easier. Next, consider opening jokes for a speech. A well-placed joke at the beginning not only captures attention but also sets a lighthearted tone. However, balance is key. Mix humor with substance to maintain engagement without detracting from your message.

When exploring humorous speech ideas, aim for relatability. Jokes or anecdotes that resonate with your audience’s experiences significantly increase the impact of your humor. Additionally, for fun topics for an informative speech, choose subjects that are inherently amusing or have a quirky side. This approach keeps the audience intrigued and amused throughout. Remember, the essence of a funny speech lies in its ability to entertain while delivering a clear message. Keep it light, relevant, and engaging to leave your audience both informed and smiling.

Need help with presentation speech writing? Get your paper written by a professional writer Get Help Reviews.io 4.9/5

Funny Speech Topics for College Students

Selecting the right topic is crucial for college students aiming to craft a funny speech. From funny sports speeches and hilarious presentation topics to humorous speech topics and motivational themes, the possibilities are endless. Whether it’s for a classroom assignment or a campus event, engaging topics like these ensure it is both entertaining and impactful.

Funny Ted Talk Topics

• “The Secret Life of Cats: What They Do When We’re Not Looking”
• “Misadventures in Cooking: Tales from a Kitchen Novice”
• “Why Laughter is the Best Medicine: A Comedic Exploration”
• “The Art of Procrastination: A Humorous Guide”
• “Confessions of a Serial Plant Killer: My Botanical Misadventures”
• “Short Funny Speech: The Art of Keeping it Brief and Amusing”
• “Awkward Social Situations and How to Navigate Them”
• “The History of Bad Haircuts: A Visual Journey”
• “Mysteries of the Universe: Explained (Incorrectly)”
• “Life Lessons from Cartoons: A Nostalgic Look Back”

Funny Motivational Speeches

• “Embracing Your Inner Weirdo: Why Being Different is Awesome”
• “The Power of Positive Failing: Learning from Mistakes”
• “Overcoming Laziness: A Guide for the Perpetually Unmotivated”
• “Finding Humor in Life’s Challenges”
• “Funny Introductory Speech: Making a Memorable First Impression”
• “Why Being Average is Actually Extraordinary”
• “Turning ‘I Can’t’ into ‘I Can’t Believe I Just Did That!'”
• “The Joy of Not Knowing What You’re Doing”
• “Breaking the Rules: A Guide to Creative Success”
• “Finding the Funny in Everyday Life”

Fun Persuasive Speech Ideas

• “Why Every Home Needs a Pet Rock”
• “The Undeniable Benefits of Procrastination”
• “Why Pineapple Belongs on Pizza: A Delicious Debate”
• “The Case for a Four-Day School Week”
• “Why Adults Should Have Mandatory Nap Times”
• “Superheroes vs. Villains: Who Really Has More Fun?”
• “The Importance of Learning to Dance in the Rain”
• “Why Breakfast Foods Make the Best Dinner”
• “The Need for a National ‘Speak Like a Pirate’ Day”
• “Funny Topics for a Speech: Thinking Outside the Box”

Fun Impromptu Speech Topics

• “If Animals Could Talk: What Would They Say?”
• “Inventing a New Holiday: Celebrating the Ordinary”
• “Life as a Superhero: My Super Power Would Be…”
• “If I Were President for a Day: Humorous Policies I’d Implement”
• “The Ultimate Time Travel Destination: Past or Future?”
• “Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse: A Practical Guide”
• “Creating the Perfect Alien Encounter Story”
• “The Strangest Dream I Ever Had”
• “How to Survive a Week Without the Internet”
• “Funny Speeches for School: Entertaining and Educational”

Funny Speech Opening Lines For Students

• “I asked my phone for a topic. Here’s what Siri suggested…”
• “I told my dog I was giving a speech today. He looked more nervous than I am!”
• “I was going to start with a joke, but my mom says I’m already a joke. Thanks, Mom.”
• “They say honesty is the best policy. Honestly, I wrote this five minutes ago.”
• “Good morning! Or afternoon? I’ve lost all sense of time since I started college.”
• “I read that a good speech is like a comet: Dazzling, eye-opening, and over before you know it. So buckle up!”
• “I’m here to talk about [topic]. Yes, I’m as surprised as you are.”
• “My last speech was so good, my professor asked me to turn it into a silent film.”
• “I promised myself I wouldn’t be nervous. But here we are, heart racing faster than when I see a ‘test graded’ notification.”
• “They say to picture your audience in their underwear to ease nerves. Let’s just say, it’s not helping.”

Funny Demonstration Speech Topics College Students

• “How to Make a Gourmet Meal with Just a Microwave”
• “The Art of Sleeping in Class Without Getting Caught”
• “Mastering the Perfect Selfie: Tips and Tricks”
• “Survival Skills: Making Coffee Without a Coffee Maker”
• “Building the Ultimate Pillow Fort for Adults”
• “Fun Demonstration Speech Ideas: Creative and Engaging”
• “Crafting an Excuse Letter for When You Oversleep”
• “Turning Your Laundry Pile into a Fashion Statement”
• “Impersonating Famous Celebrities: A How-To”
• “DIY Escape Room: Transforming Your Dorm Room”

Funny Informative Speech Topics

• “The Evolution of Emojis: Decoding Digital Expressions”
• “Bizarre Food Combinations That Actually Work”
• “The History of April Fools’ Day: Pranks and More”
• “Exploring Unusual World Records: The Weird and Wacky”
• “Misconceptions About Common Sayings”
• “Strange Laws Around the World: A Humorous Look”
• “The Science of Laughter: Why We Giggle”
• “Curious Wedding Traditions from Around the Globe”
• “The Origins of Superstitions: Black Cats, Ladders, and More”
• “The Art of People Watching: A Guide to Human Behavior”

Funny Presentation Topics

• “Why My Cat Should Run for President”
• “The Secret World of Socks: Where Do the Missing Ones Go?”
• “Life Lessons Learned from Watching Cartoons”
• “If Historical Events Were Reported Like Gossip Magazines”
• “Social Media Mishaps: A Collection of Humorous Stories”
• “The Mystery of the Bermuda Triangle: A Comedic Investigation”
• “How to Survive a Family Reunion”
• “The Future According to Sci-Fi Movies: What Got Right and Wrong”
• “The Joys and Perils of Online Shopping”
• “Mythical Creatures in the Modern World: A Funny Take”

Funny Expository Speech Topics

• “Exploring the Art of Doing Nothing Successfully”
• “The Psychology Behind Binge-Watching Shows”
• “Unbelievable Yet True Historical Facts”
• “The Hidden Life of Everyday Objects”
• “Decoding Teenage Slang: A Parent’s Guide”
• “The Oddities of Language: English’s Weird Quirks”
• “Famous Blunders in History: A Humorous Perspective”
• “Celebrity Look-Alikes: Separated at Birth?”
• “The Secret Lives of Teachers: After the Bell Rings”
• “The World of Competitive Eating: A Gastronomic Adventure”

Funny Entertaining Speech Topics

• “How to Become a Professional Couch Potato”
• “The Unwritten Rules of Social Media: A Satirical Guide”
• “Why Being Clumsy is Actually a Talent”
• “Fantasy Sports: The Unseen World of Imaginary Teams”
• “Behind the Scenes of a Reality TV Show”
• “The Art of Making Boring Things Sound Interesting”
• “The World’s Worst Superpowers: A Comical Analysis”
• “How to Speak Fluent Nonsense and Confuse People”
• “The Ultimate Guide to Avoiding Chores Creatively”
• “Life as a Meme: The Ups and Downs”

Funny How To Ideas For Speech

• “How to Survive a Bad Hair Day: A Step-by-Step Guide”
• “Mastering the Art of Being Late Gracefully”
• “How to Pretend You Understand Art”
• “Becoming an Expert in Useless Skills”
• “How to Throw the Perfect Unbirthday Party”
• “Navigating Awkward Social Gatherings with Humor”
• “The Do’s and Don’ts of Regifting”
• “How to Break the Ice: Unconventional Conversation Starters”
• “Training Your Pet to Take Over Household Chores”
• “Creating an Alias: A Guide to Fictitious Identities”

Famous Funny Speeches

Funny famous speeches often come from a variety of sources, including movies, stand-up comedy, political figures, and public events. Some notable examples include:

• Ellen DeGeneres’ Commencement Speech at Tulane University (2009): Known for her wit, Ellen brought humor to her speech, making it memorable and entertaining while also imparting wisdom to the graduates.
• Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement Speech (2005): While primarily inspirational, Jobs included humorous anecdotes from his life, adding a light-hearted touch to his profound messages.
• John F. Kennedy’s Speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner (1961): Kennedy was known for his charm and wit, and his speech at this event was filled with humor and self-deprecation, a rarity for a sitting President.
• Will Ferrell’s Harvard Commencement Address (2003): Ferrell, known for his comedic roles, delivered a speech filled with his trademark humor, keeping the audience laughing while also sharing genuine advice.
• Jon Stewart’s Speech at the Rally to Restore Sanity (2010): As a renowned comedian and satirist, Stewart’s speech was a mix of humor and social commentary, making it both funny and thought-provoking.
• Mindy Kaling’s Commencement Speech at Dartmouth College (2018): Kaling, an actress and comedian, infused her speech with humor, sharing funny personal stories and observations while also offering inspiring advice to graduates.
• Winston Churchill’s Speeches: While Churchill was known for his leadership during serious times, he often used wit in his speeches, making some of his remarks quite humorous in the context of otherwise grave situations.

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100 Public-Speaking Jokes to Add Humor to Your Next Speech

So, if you are looking to add humor to your presentation, one of the best ways is to insert self-deprecating humor in the form of funny stories. A good story from your own personal experience will be easier to insert into your speech. The story will also create more of a shared experience with your audience. For details about how to use stories to add humor to your speech , click here.

With that being said, though, sometimes, you just need to get a quick laugh out of your audience. And good jokes can be a great way to lighten the mood. We’ve organized the post into four categories of public-speaking jokes.

100 Public Speaking Jokes to Add Humor to Your Next Speech.

• Public-Speaking Jokes .
• One-Liners about Public Speaking and Presenting .
• Funny Public Speaking Quotes .
• Dad Jokes that You Can Use as Presentation Icebreakers .

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Public-Speaking Jokes for Your Next Presentation to Add a Little Fun.

Between you and I, telling jokes in front of an audience is pretty risky. But sometimes, just getting the audience to laugh right from the start can lighten the mood. Here are a few jokes about public speaking that you can use when you are public speaking.

Jokes about Being Nervous and the Fear of Public Speaking

• Why did the public speaker hire a pitching coach? Because he needed to improve his delivery!
• I used to think I was afraid of public speaking, but just now, I realized I was actually afraid of audiences.
• A public speaker asked the audience, “How many of you are afraid of public speaking?” About half the audience raised their hands. The speaker replied, “Don’t worry, I used to be too. In fact, there was a 50/50 chance that I’d canceled today’s talk!”
• My wife was nervous about public speaking. So, I told her she should embrace her mistake to add a little humor to her delivery. She gave me a hug. Then she laughed.
• Public speaking tip: Imagine the audience naked. But not if you’re giving a eulogy.

Funny Jokes about Presentation Challenges.

Okay, funny may be a little overexaggerated, but corny can work too. Here are a few jokes about challenges that can come up in a presentation.

• Why did the PowerPoint presentation go to therapy? It had too many issues with transitions.
• I was going to tell a time-traveling joke during my speech, but you didn’t like it.
• I asked the librarian if there were any books on how to overcome the fear of public speaking. She whispered, “They’re in the self-help section, but you might have to speak up to find them.”
• I used to be a baker before I became a public speaker. I kneaded the dough, and now I need the audience!
• Why did the public speaker become a gardener? Because he knew how to plant ideas and watch them grow!

These Jokes Are about Audience Interaction.

• I asked the audience if anyone had experience with public speaking. A cricket in the corner started chirping.
• The best way to become a confident public speaker is to imagine the audience in their underwear. Unless you’re speaking at a nudist colony.
• I told my wife I was going to give a speech on procrastination. She said, “Maybe next time.”
• How do you make a tissue dance during a speech? You put a little boogie in it!
• Why did the extroverted computer become a public speaker? Because it had great social networking skills!

Public Speaking Jokes about Presentation Themes.

These funny (or corny) jokes are about the process of public speaking. You can easily use one of these if you start with… “Before I actually start my presentation…” then add the joke.

• I asked my friend if he had any advice for public speaking. He said, “Yes, just imagine the audience is full of cats. They don’t care what you’re saying, but they’ll pay attention if you have treats.”
• How do you organize a fantastic space-themed presentation? You planet!
• Why did the public speaker bring a ladder to the presentation? To reach new heights in communication!
• My friend tried to give a speech on patience, but the audience left before he finished. It seems they didn’t have the patience for it.
• Why did the microphone apply for a job in public speaking? Because it wanted to be heard at work!

A Few Random Public Speaking Jokes (Use with Caution.)

These last few public speaking jokes are a little more tricky. You’d want to save these only for the right type of crowd.

• I used to be afraid of public speaking, but then I realized it’s just talking in front of people. Now I’m terrified of public listening.
• What’s a public speaker’s favorite kind of fish? The articulate!
• I told my friend I was giving a speech about a famous chicken. He asked, “Is it poultry in motion?”
• I was going to make a joke about public speaking, but I figured it would be better in front of a live audience.
• Why did the scarecrow become a great public speaker? He was outstanding in his field!

Remember, just adding a joke or two to a speech won’t win over every audience. For help becoming a confident and effective presenter, we invite you to attend one of our 2-Day Fearless Presentations ® Classes . Click here for details.

Here Are a Few Public Speaking One-Liners to Get Your Audience Laughing.

You’ll have a much easier time just adding a funny one-liner every now and then. When you tell a joke, you typically have to get your audience to respond. And, in some cases, the audience will finish your joke.

So a well-placed one-liner will often get you a quick chuckle without as much risk. Here are a few that we organized into five different categories.

These One-Liners Are Related to Audience Interaction (Or Audience Reactions.)

• “I’m not saying I’m a great public speaker, but I did once get a standing ovation… because I tripped over the microphone cord.”
• “I asked my audience if they had any questions after my speech. One person raised their hand and asked, ‘When does the torture end?'”
• “Public speaking is easy. It’s like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire, you’re on fire, everything is on fire, and you’re in hell.”
• “I used to be afraid of public speaking until I realized every audience is just a bunch of people hoping you don’t notice them.”
• “I gave a speech on procrastination. The audience is still waiting for the punchline.”

Here Are a Few about Speech Techniques and Styles.

• “I asked the audience if they knew the definition of a will. Apparently, ‘a dead giveaway’ wasn’t the right answer.”
• “I don’t have a fear of public speaking; I have a fear of public not listening.”
• “Why don’t public speakers ever get lost? Because they always find their way to the lectern.”
• “I used to be a mime, but I couldn’t stay silent about it. Now I’m a public speaker.”
• “I told the audience I’d be speaking off the cuff. Turns out, my cuff was more interesting than my speech.”

That’s Ironic! One Liners about Humor and Irony in Speech

• “I used to be a public speaker at a mime convention. Needless to say, my speeches were a big hit.”
• “I asked the audience if they could define irony. They said, ‘Sure, it’s like goldy and bronzy, but made of iron.'”
• “Public speaking is a lot like a roller coaster. It’s terrifying, and I always feel like I’m going to lose my lunch.”
• “I used to be a motivational speaker, but then I lost my train of thought. Now I’m just a ‘meh’-tivational speaker.”
• “Why did the public speaker bring a ladder to the speech? To reach the high points, of course!”

These One-Liners Are about Speech Topics and Delivery.

• “I told the audience I’m going to talk about time travel. They’re still waiting for my future self to arrive.”
• “I tried to give a speech on humility, but everyone said I was the best at it.”
• “Why did the public speaker get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field of expertise – corn farming.”
• “I asked the crowd if they liked my tie. They said, ‘It’s not the tie, it’s what you’re saying that’s knot working.'”
• “I tried to make a speech about sleep, but I dozed off during my own presentation.”

Funny One-Liners Related to the Challenges of Public Speaking.

• “I asked the audience for silence during my speech. Apparently, their laughter didn’t get the memo.”
• (If your audience won’t give you feedback.) “Dialogue is like a parachute – it only works when it’s open.”
• (If you happen to break wind because of nervousness.) “I’m not a nervous public speaker. I just have a very expressive colon.”
• “I told my wife I’m writing a book on public speaking. She told me to speak louder.”
• “Why did the PowerPoint file go to therapy? It had too many issues with transitions.”

Funny Motivational Quotes Related to Public Speaking.

A really good way to add humor to any speech is to insert a funny quote from a famous person. These funny motivational quotes are very easy to insert. In fact, you can add them to your speech introduction right at the start. That will lighten the tension in the room and get your audience laughing.

Here are a few that always hit home!

Funny Quotes About Preparation and Delivery of Speech.

• “The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” – George Jessel
• “It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.” – Mark Twain
• “Speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
• “A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt; long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.” – Winston Churchill
• “The best way to sound like you know what you’re talking about is to know what you’re talking about.” – Author Unknown

Quotes Related to Adding Humor to Your Speech.

If you are looking for a famous quote specifically about adding humor to a speech, try one of these.

• “The first time I spoke in the West, the agents and organizers looked at me and said, ‘Oh, my God, she’s funny.’ And I thought, ‘Oh, my God, I’ve been funny all my life, but I never knew it.'” – Maya Angelou
• “If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.” – Bill Gates
• “I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.” – George Carlin
• “The trouble with talking too fast is you may say something you haven’t thought of yet.” – Ann Landers
• “I used to be a good communicator, but then I realized I was talking to myself.” – Author Unknown

Here Are a Few Quotes About Creativity and Writing.

• “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
• “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.” – Steven Wright
• “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
• “I don’t need time. What I need is a deadline.” – Duke Ellington
• “I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid, my father took me to all the historic spots. Every time I refused to get out of the car.” – W.C. Fields

The Funny Quotes Can Help You Make Your Point Better.

Like the last group, these funny quotes aren’t about public speaking. But you will likely be able to use them if you are delivering an informative speech.

• “The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.” – Oscar Wilde
• “I have never been in a situation where having a sense of humor and a giving spirit didn’t lead to a better result.” – Ed Catmull
• “The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way.” – Josh Billings
• “I like to talk about my obsession with food. I love to eat. I’m not a ‘foodie,’ but I do love to eat.” – Miranda Kerr
• “I failed public speaking in college the first time and made a ‘D’ in the second class. It was horrible.” – John Grisham

These Last Funny Quotes Didn’t Fit the Other Categories. (LOL!)

These last quotes didn’t really fit in any of the other categories. But they are pretty funny. If you can find a way to insert them into your speech, you’re sure to get a laugh or two.

• “It’s hard to be serious when you’re surrounded by balloons.” – Jerry Seinfeld
• “I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.” – Elayne Boosler
• “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Willie Nelson
• “I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.” – Steve Allen

Dad Jokes that You Can Use as Presentation Icebreakers.

Years ago, I taught a leadership class for his team. And at the start of every session, he stood up in front of the group and told a corny Dad joke. The jokes were cringy. But whether the audience laughed or turned up their nose, they all smiled. Over the next few years, I noticed that Ron’s employee turnover was almost zero. It was unheard of in his industry.

It turns out that his team absolutely loved him. He made a tough job much more fun to come to. So, I changed my tune about Dad jokes. Here are a few that you can use to start your next speech or meeting.

Food Public Speaking Jokes

• What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
• Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion? There was nothing left but de-brie.
• What do you call a fish wearing a crown? A kingfish.
• Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side.
• What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Science and Technology Jokes.

• Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
• I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads.
• Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? He made a mint.
• How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
• What did one wall say to the other wall? I’ll meet you at the corner!

Academic Jokes for a Presentation.

• Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
• Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
• What do you call a factory that makes good products? A satisfactory.
• I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
• I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.

Spooky Jokes

• Why did the skeleton go to the seance? To talk to the other side.
• Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
• What did the big flower say to the little flower? “Hi, bud!”
• I went to buy some camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
• What did one hat say to the other hat? Stay here, I’m going on ahead.

Miscellaneous Jokes

• I only know how to make holy water. I boil the hell out of it.
• Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
• Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
• What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
• What did the snowman with a six-pack say? An abdominal snowman!

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371 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics for 2024

Writing an argumentative essay is not the funniest thing to do. Even so, there are ways to ease this process and make it less strained – choose a catchy topic! Dive into the article and find some funny argumentative essay topics for your assignment.

Our team worked very hard to develop more than 200 funny essay topics for you. We hope you’ll enjoy these humor essay topics, but keep in mind that writing an essay is not all fun and games. It requires concentration and some analysis.

⚠️ BONUS: tips on the most efficient argumentative essay outlines ⚠️

🔝 Top 12 Fun Argumentative Essay Topics

• 🔖 Argumentative Topics 2024
• 🗂️ Essay Outline
• ⚔️ Topics to Debate on
• 🍂 Easy Topics
• 🪂 Chill Topics
• 🔥 Hot Topics
• 🤔 Thought-Provoking Topics
• 🗣 Argumentative Speech Topics
• 🔃 Topics on Argumentation
• 🙈 Persuasive Topics
• 📏 Discipline-Specific Topics

🌟 Unique Argumentative Essay Topics

🤪 silly argumentative essay topics, 🌞 light-hearted argumentative essay topics.

• Is homeschooling better than traditional schooling?
• Are video games a good way to relieve stress and anxiety?
• Is it better to study alone or in a group?
• Is it important for everyone to learn a second language?
• Should celebrities be role models?
• Is fashion important in expressing individuality?
• Should people embrace the trend of minimalist living?
• Do virtual influencers benefit the marketing industry?
• Is it better to have a small family than a large one?
• Should parents be friends with their children on social media?
• Is it better to pursue multiple careers throughout one’s life?
• Is it better to be an early bird or a night owl?

🔖 Argumentative Essay Topics 2024

• Does vegetarianism help climate change?
• Are our lives better with the Internet?
• Should the death penalty be abolished?
• Should we pay taxes to governments?
• Is providing free medical insurance a government’s responsibility?
• Euthanasia should be illegal because of its harm.
• Should political activism be compulsory?
• Are we on the edge of WW3?
• Why should public surveillance cameras be banned?
• Do we need more gender inclusivity?
• How far should we go with exploring space?
• Should people have a right to own a gun?
• Should marijuana be allowed in all countries?
• Is using a smartphone for hours dangerous for health?
• Should police officers have a college degree?

🗂️ Argumentative Essay Outline. Effective Organization

we will show you three main methods to organize an argumentative essay. Classical type, Rogerian type, and Toulmin type. You can pick one or just get ideas on how to build up your argumentation.

These were the three most prominent methods to organize your argumentative essay effectively. Here you can familiarize yourself with them in detail and find examples. However, it is still possible to use other strategies for building argumentation.

⚔️ Funny Argumentative Essay Topics to Debate on

The best questions for argumentative essays have no obvious answers and always produce conflicting options.

Here are a few examples:

• Does smoking help people make acquaintances?
• Dating apps made romance disappear.
• Freedom of expression should be guaranteed to everyone.
• Does DNA or upbringing define us?
• Can democracy work in the Middle East?
• Fast food companies should not advertise to children.
• Is global warming overrated?
• Would the world be better without religion?
• Distracted driving: should talking & texting be banned?
• Is organic food anyhow better, or is it just a marketing trick?
• Are conflicts necessary for healthy relationships ?
• Should lecture attendance be optional?
• Should same-sex couples receive constitutional protection?
• Should sex education be a compulsory subject at school?
• Should the rich be taxed more?
• Why should we pay for music?
• Is the first impression of a person always right?
• Should students add their teachers as friends on Facebook?
• Should companies try to copy their competitors?
• Should governments censor material on the internet?
• Can businesses learn from their customers’ complaints?
• Should all energy drinks be banned?
• Should we limit our use of social media?
• Is China a new superpower ?
• Is policing in the US racially biased?
• Should the right to die be considered a right?
• Should terrorists be treated like criminals or like enemy combatants?
• Is the body or the mind primary?
• Juveniles should not be tried as adults .
• Will the redistribution of wealth eradicate poverty?

🍂 Easy and Fun Essay Topics

Forget that an argumentative essay topic requires discussing classic issues like abortion or euthanasia. A good debate subject can also be a funny topic to write about.

• Should employees be allowed to use social media at work?
• Should companies send “happy birthday” messages to clients?
• Do stay-at-home mothers exhibit more indicators of happiness than full-time working mothers?
• Would Shakespeare’s plays be more interesting if shortened?
• Should internet slang like “LOL” and “IMHO” be included in dictionaries?
• Full-day vs. half-day kindergarten: which is better?
• Does the English language need to be more straightforward?
• Should kids be allowed to draw on walls?
• Art, music, and dance in treatment.
• Do modern schools depend too much on technology?
• Are online classes valued less?
• Medical practices in Ancient Greece, Igbo Culture and Kikuyu Pre Colonial .
• Is the character of an individual prescribed or acquired?
• Should hospitals use placebo treatments?
• Do innovations make us lazier?

🪂 Chill and Funny Argumentative Essay Topics

The easiest way to write an A+ persuasive essay is to choose a topic that genuinely interests you:

• Can college athletes be intelligent?
• Arguments for and against the fast food industry in the USA.
• Should students have profiles on all major social networks?
• Should people abandon cash and use plastic cards only ?
• Drug legalization: for and against.
• Should countries have “one-car-per-family” policies?
• Why is obesity not considered a disease?
• Should we preserve old buildings as historical monuments ?
• Are some TV ads objects of art ?
• How does the environment affect health, and why is this an essential global health policy concern?
• Is music in shopping malls harmful to employees’ well-being?
• Can listening to your favorite music heal?
• Argue for or against mandatory vaccination for all students of public schools.
• Should journalists who distort the truth to make the news more sensational be punished?
• Are hybrid cars friendly to the environment?
• Should all TV channels have censorship ?

🔥 Hot Argumentative Essay Topics

If you’re still here, then you’re probably looking for something special, like these argumentative essay topics:

• Is using animals for experiments justified?
• Do SOPA and PIPA make pirates more skilled?
• Is negative PR the secret behind Justin Bieber’s success?
• Smoking in public places: arguments for banning.
• Should Wikipedia give diplomas to its most faithful readers?
• Can diamonds be girls’ best friends?
• Dangers of spreading human immunodeficiency virus.
• Should couples live together before marriage?
• Should parents tell their kids about the birds and the bees?
• Physician-assisted suicide is a basic right.
• Can virtual reality be dangerous for kids?
• Should condoms be distributed in high schools?
• Is too much political correctness making communication more confusing?
• Is it possible to get 100% clear and unbiased results from psychological research ?

🤔 Thought-Provoking Argumentative Essay Topics

Consider choosing one of these interesting argumentative essay topics for college:

• Can any behavior be predicted?
• Does a tattoo on a face spoil the first impression about a person?
• Should the modern voting system abolish the electoral college?
• How many Facebook friends is it healthy to have?
• Should we get rid of all euphemisms and say things as they are?
• Should we consider Trump a populist?
• What is the best use for duct tape other than taping things?
• Should the US government provide more public goods?
• What’s the real meaning of children’s fairy tales and nursery rhymes?
• Privacy and security of online networks.
• Should people be able to patent their ideas?
• Is there a lack of African American women in federal government positions?
• Is panda hugger a serious job?
• Is Esperanto a failed language?
• The problem of authorities’ corruption.
• Are millennials unhealthily addicted to social media?
• Problems of overcrowding in prisons.
• Is it possible to live your entire life without leaving a trace online?

🗣️ Funny Argumentative Speech Topics

Are you looking for good persuasive speech topics? Here are some creative speech ideas:

• Should soccer players be allowed to fight on the field?
• Family values and needs conflict in nursing ethics.
• Should society have child-free restaurants?
• Is Coke better than Pepsi?
• Should the lottery be illegal?
• Should everyone climb Mount Everest at least once in their lives?
• Should the law prohibit taking selfies while driving?
• Are moist cookies better than dry cookies?
• Should the drinking age be lowered?
• Should students be allowed to wear dreadlocks at school?
• Should you refuse to sign a prenuptial agreement?
• Health effects of high fructose-containing sugars.
• Should you create your own subculture ?
• Should students be graded on their computer literacy?
• Should marijuana be legalized around the world?
• Should meat lovers be more mindful of vegetarians?
• World Trade Organization membership impact.
• Should everyone abandon cars and ride bikes instead?
• Should airlines have a two-seat policy for heavier people?
• What role does China play in shaping the contemporary politics of the world?
• Should you add your parents as friends on Facebook?
• Is the sharing economy essentially the same thing as communism?

🔃 Essay Topics on Argumentation

What about some quibble? You may try to speak about argumentation itself since there is a lot of dispute about its nature, structure, and models. For instance:

• Should students choose research and essay themes themselves?
• Can argumentative writing help in different life situations?
• Do good arguments resolve conflicts , or do they push you to contradict?
• Would famous persuasive speeches produce the same impact on the audience of today?
• Is an argumentative essay for college students an easier task than for school students?
• Persuasion techniques of politicians.
• Do some argumentative issues lack real problems to be discussed?
• Can a good discursive essay be composed without proper argumentation?
• Does an argumentative paper format impact its message and value ?
• Can argumentative essay exercises in school contribute to writing skills demonstrated in college and university?
• Mass media and propagation of political rhetoric .
• Can essay subjects be too simple to develop good argumentation?
• Are some controversial topics missing controversy?
• Do argumentative essays with sources have higher persuasive power?
• Do short argumentative essays lack depth?
• Argumentative essay on global warming .
• Is an accepted college essay format assistance or limitation?
• Should students prepare debate arguments in advance or develop them during debates?
• Individual’s strengths and problem-solving skills.
• Does a formal argumentative essay lack personalization?
• Is writing a persuasive essay a skill or a talent?
• I Have a Dream speech by Martin Luther King.
• Should an argumentative style of writing be formalized?
• Do all persuasive speeches require personal charisma?
• Personal skills application in project management .
• Can an argumentative paper fail because of its neutral tone?
• Is there a difference between an argumentative and a persuasive essay?
• Mikhail Gorbachev’s 1988 UN speech.
• Is there a universal argumentative essay model?

🙈 Funny Persuasive Essay Topics

• Are early marriages more likely to end in divorce?
• Do older people receive better care in retirement homes than with family members?
• Should hyperactive kids receive treatment?
• Social media: positive aspects for teenagers.
• Should mind reading during poker games be banned?
• Should parents pass tests before homeschooling their kids?
• Are humans addicted to technology?
• Should parents lie to their kids about Santa Claus?
• Standing on the feminist side in same-sex marriage.
• Is it fair to use the results of standardized tests to define schools’ budgets?
• Are optimism and success infectious?
• Impact of video games on students.
• Is the Bermuda triangle a creation of our imagination?

📏 Discipline-Specific Argumentative Essay Topics

If your task was to write an argumentative essay on a particular subject, try to find something in the lists below.

🌐 Argumentative Essay Topics on Social Media and the Internet

• Modern technologies make people lonelier and more depressive.
• Impact of globalization and technology on cross-cultural negotiations.
• The use of filthy language on the internet negatively affects the quality of vocabulary in daily life.
• The use of the Internet in police technology.
• Modern teenagers lack survival skills due to their reliance on technology .
• Live communication will soon minimize due to smartphones.
• The educational system gains more than it loses with the development of technologies.
• Technology and healthcare: a shortage of healthcare providers and the aging demographics.
• Facebook and other social networks pose a threat to your privacy.
• The internet violates intellectual property rights.
• The role of technology in the work of nurses and its analysis.
• Did school shootings increase due to the popularity of video games ?
• Politics and social movements: race, ethnicity, and the use of social media.
• Do gadgets limit children’s imagination?
• Will rapid technological development lead to a global crisis?
• Social media for law enforcement.
• The dependence of the world on the internet is excessive.
• Internet users need online censorship .
• Sites that promote aggressive or inadequate behaviors, violence, etc., must be banned.
• Computers and technology in law enforcement and investigations.
• Kids should be denied access to the internet .
• Virtual relationships cannot exist for a long time.

👩‍🎨 Argumentative Essay Topics on Culture

• Does conceptualism make art lose its value?
• Do the lyrics in today’s songs make any sense?
• How do logos change the perception of a brand?
• Does modern art require talent, or can one rely on ambition only?
• Is poetry relevant anymore?
• How do gangsta rap and rock music address violence, racism, and social issues?
• Is there a superior kind of art, or do they all have equal value?
• Does mainstream culture make people dull and limited?
• Impact of computer technology on architecture.
• Does free access to unlimited information on the Internet make us more knowledgeable?
• Violent music and its impacts on children.
• Should one be wealthy to be able to build a career in art?
• Is the art of professional criticism lost for good?
• Is American cinematography worse than European, or is it prejudice?
• Gender role in the music videos.

‍🤝 ‍Argumentative Essay Topics on Social Issues

• Freedom of speech is more important than the prevention of extremism.
• Combating drug abuse: public policy issue.
• Small talks are a very effective way to maintain lots of social connections.
• Immigrants should be treated and perceived the same way as other members of society.
• Public policies in the healthcare sector.
• Universities consider the individual characteristics of their students for a more efficient studying process.
• Compliance with COVID-19 measures is a personal choice of each individual.
• Major healthcare reforms in the US.
• Is it socially acceptable to remark to a stranger who is being very ill-mannered?
• Global health promotion and wellness.
• Is gender-specific etiquette a relic of society, or should it still be followed?
• Is social inequality a result of the market economy?
• Government response on growing inflation and unemployment rates.
• If each millionaire in the world donated $1 per day to needy people, there would not be poverty.
• US gun control policies should be stricter.

🦹 Argumentative Essay Topics on Gender In/Equality

• Does gender discrimination still exist?
• Gender differences in military negotiations.
• Male discrimination is not less relevant and important than female.
• Gender studies should be taught at school.
• Ethnic and gender diversity issues in policing.
• Gender oppression resulted in almost no female explorers, politicians , and other outstanding figures in different fields.
• Gender bias in child care and child health: global patterns.
• The level of gender equality positively correlates with the GDP of a state.
• Straight white men are to blame for female oppression.
• Gender issues faced by psychiatric-mental health nurses.
• Would a women-dominated society be much more sufficient?
• Objectification of women through female genital mutilation.
• Female persons are in greater danger of sexual exploitation.
• Highly religious communities could never achieve gender equality.
• Positive gender discrimination is as wrong as negative one.

💸 Argumentative Essay Topics on Business

• Testing products on animals is unacceptable in the modern world.
• Environmental economics issues and policies.
• How much do economic and political conditions determine the well-being of a business?
• Businesses’ obligations with respect to the environment.
• Focus on the market doesn’t result in much prosperity.
• International business and supply chain management.
• Studying business will not make you a successful businessman.
• Monetary benefits for employers are more effective than moral encouragement.
• Joe Biden’s Pressure to lift US-China supply chain tariffs.
• Corporate training is crucial for employees.
• Can a company succeed without a proper marketing strategy?
• Unemployment in the Gulf States.
• With the continually growing competitiveness, it is harder to enter the market than it used to be in earlier days.
• Motivating factors for women entrepreneurs.
• Do local businesses need more support than big companies?

📖 Argumentative Essay Topics on History

• History has no subjunctive mood.
• Elizabeth I’s leadership. English history.
• Should denying the Holocaust be criminalized?
• Should there be an opportunity to sue governments for historical crimes?
• Equal opportunities throughout American history.
• Is there any possibility of fair solutions for land conflicts?
• Russia and the US getting involved in the Middle East conflict worsened the situation.
• US military involvement in Mexico’s drug wars.
• Particular persons started the worst wars in history.
• Witch-hunt in Europe during the Middle Ages.
• Karl Marx might have had the biggest ever impact on society.

🕹️ Argumentative Essay Topics on Technologies

• Can artificial intelligence be dangerous for human civilization?
• Impact of information technology business outsourcing and off-shoring.
• Should developed countries invest more in space exploration than in social problems?
• Homeland security intelligence gaps in the US.
• Will driverless cars cause more problems, or is it a better choice?
• Automation of manufacturing not only jeopardizes related jobs but also organically creates new working places.
• How can information technology be used to gain a competitive advantage?
• Has Silicon Valley failed to solve the world’s technological revolution problems?
• Information technology in Saudi Arabia’ education.
• Will the rise of machines undermine democracy?
• Can cryptocurrency actually replace banks?
• Videogaming can make people smarter.
• Li-Fi technology: goals and significance.
• Individuals should have a right to erase all their personal information online.
• Cyberwars are overrated.
• Vehicle tracking technology project management.
• Smart gadgets make people lose their decision-making and practical thinking skills.

🤝 Argumentative Essay Topics on Politics

• Political presence in non-political events (Olympic Games, Eurovision Song Contest, the Oscars, etc.) should be eliminated.
• National security VS people’s privacy. What should be dominant?
• The American government’s ban on Tik-Tok .
• Should all the countries that have nuclear weapons destroy them?
• North Korea’s nuclear problem: impact and solutions.
• Do illegal migrants have to be deported provided help?
• African conflicts and critical problems.
• Should there be a universal basic income on a state level for everyone?
• The places in the parliament (or any other highest governing institution) should have equal gender division.
• Should patriotism be part of decision-making when it is about international relations?
• Felony disenfranchisement: serious problems.
• Would it be more efficient to make one government for all countries globally?
• Issue priorities in Biden’s budget.
• Voting has to be compulsory for everyone.
• Politics and economy in healthcare system.
• Robots should substitute presidents.

🤓 Argumentative Essay Topics on Education

• Should both the author and the person who copied be accused?
• How does government legislation impacts educational institutions?
• Should students hand over their gadgets before the class?
• Educational policies on internal and local populations.
• Does it improve the studying process if a teacher spends time with students outside of the classroom?
• Should a student be allowed to express their creativity if it deviates from the studying process?
• Professional goals for public health education .
• Bullying at school depends on how good the education is given in a school.
• Public education budget shortage analysis.
• A student’s success is influenced by their classmates more than by their parents .
• Nursing education systems in Kenya and Ireland .
• Boys and girls should attend different schools.
• Women’s rights movement impact on education.
• Students should be allowed to choose the courses they want to study.
• Should the legal drinking age be lowered to 18?
• What is the role of art in society, and how should it be supported?
• Should animals have the same rights as humans?
• Should parents have the right to make all decisions for their children, or should children have more autonomy?
• Should the use of plastic straws be banned globally?
• Is it ethical to use virtual influencers (AI-generated personas) for marketing purposes?
• Is it acceptable to use psychedelic drugs for spiritual or religious purposes?
• Should all countries switch to a four-day workweek?
• Is it ethical to use virtual reality technology for empathy training?
• Should the study of philosophy be a mandatory part of school curriculums?
• Should parents have the right to choose the gender of their child?
• Is technology making us more connected or more isolated?
• Should schools focus more on teaching practical life skills rather than academic subjects?
• Are mental health issues being taken seriously enough in society?
• Are professional athletes overpaid, or do they deserve their high salaries?
• Is it ethical to use mind-reading technology to prevent crime?
• Would it be justified to use time travel to change historical events?
• Is it reasonable to have a national holiday dedicated to celebrating socks?
• Should people be allowed to have pet dinosaurs?
• Is it practical to have a mandatory “silly walk” zone in every city?
• Is it reasonable to have a mandatory silly hat day every week?
• Is it acceptable to eat breakfast foods for every meal?
• Should the official language of the world be emoji-based?
• Is it practical to have a mandatory daily nap time for adults?
• Should all transportation be replaced with giant hamster balls?
• Should we have a mandatory “dance like nobody’s watching” hour every day?
• Should people be required to wear sunglasses at all times, even indoors?
• Should people be allowed to communicate exclusively through interpretive mime?
• Should all work meetings be conducted in the form of a talent show?
• Is it reasonable to have a mandatory “bring your pet to work” day every week?
• Is it better to have a dog or a cat as a pet?
• Everyone should read the book before watching the movie adaptation.
• Is it better to play board games or video games for family bonding?
• Listening to music on vinyl records vs. digital streaming platforms.
• Should hobbies be included as part of a school curriculum?
• Is it better to watch movies in the theater or at home?
• Should siblings share a bedroom or have their own rooms?
• Is it better to have a single favorite hobby or multiple hobbies?
• Is it better to listen to music while working or study in silence?
• Should pets be allowed in restaurants and cafes?
• Should pets have their own birthday parties?
• Should families eat dinner together at the table every night?
• Is it better to play classic board games or modern board games?
• Is it better to watch movies in 2D or 3D format?
• Should schools have a “Pajama Day” or “Crazy Hair Day”?

What’s next?

Having selected a good topic to argue about, you now need to create an argumentative essay outline . Read and analyze some persuasive essay examples to learn more about the structure and vocabulary used in this type of essay.

If you liked our good and easy argumentative essay topics, then take a look at our other helpful essay topic articles.

For more amazing essay ideas, check out:

• Best Psychology Persuasive Speech Topics & Essay Ideas
• Top 100 Research Topics for ABM Strand Students

Happy writing, dear friends! See you again!

🔎 References

• How to Write a Good Argumentative Essay: Easy Step-by-Step Guide
• Argumentative Essays, Purdue University
• 50 Compelling Argumentative Essay Topics
• 401 Prompts for Argumentative Writing
• All Debates | IQ2US Debates

414 Proposal Essay Topics for Projects, Research, & Proposal Arguments

725 research proposal topics & title ideas in education, psychology, business, & more.

Module 11: Speaking to Entertain and for Special Occasions

Learning objectives.

Define the characteristics of a roast.

A roast is a speech honoring someone, usually a close friend or colleague. The lead-up to the honoring part is full of humorous stories, jokes of all sizes and descriptions, and sometimes biting sarcasm and satire. It often pushes the bounds of decency a little, sometimes it pushes them a lot!

Roasting someone is a lot like toasting them. The preparation can be the same: brainstorm a list of traits or characteristics you associate with that person. But now rather than using this material to show how great the person is, use the traits to poke fun at them. Most characteristics that make a person distinctive can also be funny. In terms of our categories of humor (see the page on “Humor in Public Speaking), roast jokes are often a combination of character humor and hyperbole. Identify a distinctive trait, exaggerate it, and then see where it takes you.

Appropriate jokes for a roast are really hard to write! You should give yourself a lot of time to compose them, because you’ll throw out far more than you use. For instance, you shouldn’t  actually embarrass or humiliate the guest of honor, or anyone else present. Even comedians who thrive on shock can push the envelope too far in a roast. In a roast of James Franco on Comedy Central, comedian Sarah Silverman made jokes about actor Jonah Hill’s weight. When it was Hill’s turn to speak, he joked about her being old and single. Afterwards, there was a brief flurry of commentary in the media about whether these jokes had gone too far, and whether feelings were hurt. Both Silverman and Hill admitted afterwards to being a bit wounded by the insults. [1] [2] How is that possible in a roast between comedians? There’s actually an interesting lesson here: we might speculate that all roast humor should have an element of self-deprecation. Neither Silverman nor Hill were at all implicated in the jokes they threw at each other—and maybe that’s why the jokes seemed particularly mean. If he had joked about weight, and she about age, would it have been different?

Consider these two examples from a (hypothetical) retirement roast for Jane, the head of information technology at a university:

Did you feel any different reading the two examples?

The first major difference is how well the two speakers know the guest of honor. Todd knows her well, whereas Jeff is new in the department. This makes a big difference in the kind of joke you can make (actually, if you don’t know them well, you probably shouldn’t be roasting them at all). However, even if you’re sure your friend will get a certain joke, that doesn’t mean it’s appropriate for the audience! If you really want your friend to know all the outrageous humor you were going to throw at them, you can hand them a list of outtakes.

Another difference between these two examples is the age of the person making age jokes. If you can include yourself in the joke, you’re more likely to be laughing with the person, not at them. While brainstorming, you could even create a Venn diagram of your traits and those of the guest of honor—the overlap area is your best bet for jokes. Again, though, even self-deprecating humor doesn’t give you license to say anything you want. If possible, you should try out your jokes on a trusted friend of colleague (or several) to make sure they don’t cross the line into insensitivity or embarrassment.

Roasts tend to be done by a group of people who have a history with the guest of honor. They have a wider view of the person they are commemorating, often as a friend, co-worker, relative, or boss. This group has details of events often stretching back decades. Their job is to set the stage for the speech by the guest of honor. The atmosphere of good-spirited ridicule often spreads beyond the person roasted. Most often (and effectively) towards oneself, with self-deprecating humor, but also towards other presenters or people in the audience.

Save the best for last—the last person to speak before the guest of honor should be the person closest to them. They should not only have a long-standing relationship with the guest of gonor, but know how to turn the conversation from humorous to heartfelt and torturous to touching. Their job is to take all the energy, humor, and good will that was created during the evening, and focus it like a laser beam to build up the guest of honor so that the applause for them is as thunderous as possible. Standing ovations are often done at roasts!

• https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/sarah-silverman-i-chose-living-my-fullest-life-over-motherhood-w469597/ ↵
• https://youtu.be/gmRbdEO5Yns ↵
• Older man. Located at : https://www.pxfuel.com/en/free-photo-xnrrb . License : CC0: No Rights Reserved
• Young man holding microphone. Located at : https://www.pikrepo.com/fkhpn/man-in-black-suit-holding-microphone . License : CC0: No Rights Reserved
• Roasts. Authored by : Patricia Atkinson with Lumen Learning. License : CC BY: Attribution

My Speech Class

Public Speaking Tips & Speech Topics

Speech and Essay Samples

Don’t know where to start? Get inspired by our  FREE speech and essay examples .

Use them to get the creative juices flowing . Don’t copy any of these examples! Since these speeches are available for anyone to download, you can never be sure that another student has not used them, and that they will pass plagiarism evaluation tools, such as Turnitin or Plagscan.

Whether you find a sample that is on your given topic or a closely related discussion, all of the speeches can help you get organized and focused.

Review multiple speeches to learn:

• How the presenter laid out the talking points and the number of points used
• What references and statistics they used to solidify their arguments
• How long the speech was for a given topic
• How the topic was introduced and summarized
• How the speaker engaged and interacted with the audience

By using these speech examples as an outline, you’ll have a fully formed presentation in no time ! We also have this page with gun control speech examples , in case you’d like to see different examples on the same topic.

Persuasive Speeches

• Birth Control Persuasive Speech
• We should stand up for our gun rights
• The truth about gun control
• The controversy over gun control
• Speech against stricter gun control
• It’s up to society to solve gun problems
• Guns don’t kill people
• Does banning firearms help prevent homicides
• Criminals will be criminals
• What to do about Deadbeat Parents
• Why state aid applicants need to be drug tested
• Subculture is Mainstream
• Eating Healthy
• Teachers should be paid more
• Digital Piracy
• Minimum Wage
• Drug Testing for State Aid
• Drug testing welfare
• Why snakes make good pets
• Why you need to quit drinking soda
• Why Everyone Should Learn to Play an Instrument
• Why Android is better then IOS 2
• Why Android is better then IOS 1
• Video Games Do Not Cause Violence
• Soda and Obesity
• Plastic Surgery 2
• Plastic Surgery
• Maintaining A Healthy Lifestyle
• Human development depends primarily on environmental factors
• Donating Blood
• Birth Control Persuasive Speech Example with Outline
• Social Media Persuasive Speech Example with Outline
• Texting and Driving Persuasive Speech Example with Outline
• Persuasive Speech on Sleep
• Persuasive Speech about Bullying
• Persuasive Speech on Organ Donation

Informative Speeches

• Guns and gun control - Texas
• Gun violence and control
• Gun control on campuses
• Wind Energy
• About Serial Killers
• Eating Disorder
• Robin Williams 2
• Dream Types
• Separation of Powers of the Federal Government
• Memory Loss
• Internet Black Market
• Blood Donation
• Alcohol in Winter
• About Guitar
• Social Media Informative Speech Example with Outline
• Texting and Driving Informative Speech Example with Outline
• Informative Speech on Sleep
• Informative Speech about Bullying
• Free Organ Donation Informative Speech
• Free Informative Speech on Caffeine and Its Effects
• Five Side Effects of Global Warming
• Global Warming Is Real

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© 2024 My Speech Class

101 Funny Persuasive Speech Topics

Humor can be a powerful tool when it comes to delivering persuasive speeches. It can help engage an audience and make a point more memorable. Here, we’ve compiled a list of funny persuasive speech topics that you can use to get your audience laughing and thinking. 

Whether your goal is to make them laugh, think, or both, these humorous topics are sure to be a hit. So grab a microphone and get ready to make your case in a funny and persuasive way!

• Cats Are Secretly Plotting to Take Over the World
• The Government Should Mandate That All Citizens Must Take a Weekly Nap
• Chocolate Is a Necessary Food Group
• People Should Be Allowed to Bring Their Pets to Work Every Day
• Pajamas Should Be Acceptable Office Attire
• The Moon Landing Was Faked
• All Restaurants Should Have a “Nap Room” for Customers
• Gravity Is Just a Theory, and It’s Time to Consider Other Possibilities
• Video Games Should Count as Exercise
• School Should Start at Noon Every Day
• Bacon Should Be Its Own Food Group
• Vacations Should Be Required by Law 
• Everyone Should Have a Pet Rock
• Why Everyone Should Be Required to Learn How to Play a Musical Instrument
• The Benefits of Being a Cat Person vs. A Dog Person
• The Importance of Wearing Pajamas All Day, Every Day
• Why Pineapple Does Not Belong on Pizza
• Coffee Should Be Considered a Basic Human Right
• Why We Should All Have a Personal Robot
• Why We Should All Get Paid for Doing Chores
• The World Would Be a Better Place If All Politicians Had to Take a Lie Detector Test
• Why We Should All Have a Three-Day Weekend Every Week
• Why Everyone Should Have a Dog as a Best Friend
• Why We Should All Become Professional Superheroes
• The Benefits of Doing Nothing for an Entire Day
• Why We Should Abolish Daylight Savings Time
• Why We Should All Start Doing Yoga
• The Benefits of Eating Ice Cream for Breakfast
• Coffee Should Be Freely Available Everywhere
• Fantasy Football Should Be Considered an Official Sport 
• Ice Cream Should Be the National Food of the United States
• The Government Should Provide Free Internet Access to All Citizens
• Taxpayers Should Receive a Financial Reward for Doing Their Civic Duty 
• Everyone Should Have to Take a Road Trip Every Year 
• Cheese Should Be Its Own Food Group
• Schools Should Teach Parents How to Parent
• The Government Should Provide Free Bubble Wrap to Everyone
• Coffee Should Be an Essential Vitamin 
• The Internet Should Be Tax-Free 
• Exercising Should Be Fun and Not a Chore 
• A Universal “Snooze” Button Should Be Installed on All Alarm Clocks 
• Going to the Dentist Should Be a Fun Activity 
• Schools Should Offer More Extracurricular Activities in the Arts
• Couch Potatoes Should Receive a Medal of Honor 
• Office Meetings Should Be Held at a Local Bar
• Yoga Is the Key to World Peace 
• Parents Should Get a Day Off Every Week 
• Everyone Should Have to Do Karaoke at Least Once in Their Lives 
• All Students Should Receive a Trophy Just for Showing Up 
• Schools Should Require All Students to Take a Cooking Class
• Video Games Should Replace Homework
• Humans Should Take the Day Off Every Week to Play
• Schools Should Teach Life Skills, Not Just Textbook Knowledge
• The Government Should Offer Free Comedy Writing Courses 
• Schools Should Offer Credit for Watching Movies and TV Shows 
• Everyone Should Be Required to Learn a Foreign Language 
• All Movies Should Have a Sing-Along Version 
• Why Cats Are Better Pets Than Dogs
• The Benefits of Eating Dessert First
• The Importance of Being a Little Bit Clumsy
• The Benefits of Procrastination
• Why Going to Bed Early Is Overrated
• The Benefits of Being Forgetful
• Pizza Is the Most Nutritious Food
• The Moon Is Made of Cheese
• Santa Claus Is Real
• The World Would Be a Better Place if Everyone Wore a Tutu
• Chocolate Milk Is the Best Milk
• Why Toilet Paper Should Be Dispensed From the Top, Not the Bottom
• Why Wearing Crocs Is Actually a Fashion Statement
• Why It’s Time for a Ban on All Types of Hats
• Schools Should Have a Taco Tuesday Every Week
• All Couples Should Take a “Relationship Sabbatical” Once a Year
• A Chicken Nugget Should Be the Official Currency of the World
• The Government Should Create a National Holiday Dedicated to Napping
• It Should Be Legal to Make Your Own Beer at Home
• Schools Should Offer Puppy Petting Breaks
• Parents Should Not Be Permitted to Criticize Their Children’s Fashion Choices
• Ice Cream Should Be Served for Every Meal
• Coffee Should Be Considered a Nutritious Beverage
• The Best Way to Stay Healthy Is to Eat Fast Food
• Parents Should Have to Take a Test Before Having Kids
• Marriage Should Be Abolished 
• Junk Food Should Be Taxed 
• Schools Should Serve Pizza for Breakfast Every Day 
• The United Nations Should Declare World Peace
• Fried Chicken Should Be Considered a Vegetable
• The Best TV Show Ever Is The Office
• Chocolate Chip Cookies Should Be the Official Currency
• Dogs Should Be Allowed to Vote
• It Should Be Illegal to Not Laugh at Your Own Jokes
• Cheez-Its Should Be Considered a Health Food
• Kids Should Be Allowed to Stay Up Past Bedtime
• All Family Vacations Should Include a Trip to the Moon
• Finger-Pointing Should Be Banned
• Every Home Should Have Its Own Sloth
• Grocery Shopping Should Be a Contact Sport
• Kids Should Be Allowed to Choose Their Own Bedtime
• Texting Should Be Its Own Official Language
• Everyone Should Have to Take a Dance Class

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, funny persuasive speech topics can be a great way to have a little bit of fun while still making a persuasive argument. They can help to engage the audience and make them more interested in the topic at hand. No matter what funny persuasive speech topic you choose to use, remember to be creative and make sure that your argument is compelling and well-supported.

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• The 10 Wittiest Essays By...

The 10 Wittiest Essays By Mark Twain

An American author and humorist, Mark Twain is known for his witty works, which include books, essays, short stories, speeches, and more. While not every single piece of written work was infused with humor, many were, ranging from deadpan humor to laugh-out-loud funny. We’ve put together a list, in no particular order, of ten witty pieces that will give you a peek inside the wittiness of this celebrated author.

The Awful German Language

As anyone who has ever learned or attempted to learn a second language knows, it is difficult and can be very frustrating at times. Twain explores this in the witty essay ‘ The Awful German Language ,’ which was first published in Appendix D in A Tramp Abroad. He describes the language as ‘perplexing’ with its ten different parts of speech, one sound meaning several different things, super long words, which he believes have their own ‘perspective,’ and so on. After breaking down the language, Twain goes on to describe how he would ‘reform it.’ When it comes to these long compound words, for example, he would ‘require the speaker to deliver them in sections, with intermissions for refreshments.’

How to Tell a Story

In ‘How to Tell a Story ,’ Twain discusses the humorous story, which he says is the ‘one difficult kind’ and purely American. The humorous story, as Twain points out, ‘is told gravely’ and takes time to tell, whereas comic and witty stories, which are English and French respectively, are short and get right to the point. Twain also states that when is comes to comic storytellers, they will often repeat the punch line while looking back and forth at each person’s face to see reactions. Twain describes this ‘a pathetic thing to see.’ He goes on to give readers a couple of examples: ‘The Wounded Soldier’ (comic) and ‘The Golden Arm’ (humorous).

Advice To Youth

‘Always obey your parents…,’ is first piece of ‘advice’ Twain gives in his satirical essay ‘ Advice To Youth ,’ written in 1882; however, he immediately follows it with ‘…when they are present.’ He also discusses respecting superiors, but if they offend in any way, then the youth may ‘simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick.’ Other pieces of ‘advice’ from Twain include ‘be very careful about lying’ and ‘never handle firearms carelessly.’ He writes of books and how ‘Robertson’s Sermons, Baxter’s Saints’ Rest… ‘ are some of the books that the youth should read ‘exclusively.’ Twain was making a social commentary about the people of his time, but it is a fun read.

Taming the Bicycle

‘ Taming the Bicycle ‘ is a funny account of Twain learning to ride an old high wheel bike. This piece, while never published during his lifetime as he was never happy with it, is laugh-out-loud funny. Taking lessons from ‘the Expert,’ Twain has much difficulty learning to stay on the bike. Indeed, ‘He [the Expert] said that dismounting was perhaps the hardest thing to learn… But he was in error there.’ Hilarity ensues as Twain falls, repeatedly, on his teacher as he has trouble staying the bike for any amount of time. Eventually, Twain does learn how to get on the bike and dismount properly; he even writes ‘Get a bicycle. You will not regret it, if you live.’

Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offences

Professionals once described Fenimore Cooper’s The Deerslayer and The Pathfinder as ‘artistic creations’ and Cooper himself as ‘the greatest artist in the domain of romantic fictions.’ In ‘ Fenimore Cooper’s Literary Offences ,’ Mark Twain clearly thought otherwise. In this critical essay, Twain states that Cooper violated 18 of the ‘rules governing literary art’ and proceeds to explain each one. Some of the funnier moments or rules broken include ‘1. That a tale shall accomplish something and arrive somewhere. But the Deerslayer tale accomplishes nothing and arrives in the air’ and ’12. Say what he is proposing to say, not merely come near it.’ This piece is biting and funny at the same time.

At the Funeral

While funerals are serious, Mark Twain manages to make the subject funny in ‘ At the Funeral ,’ a short essay in which the humorous writer gives his take on proper etiquette when attending such an event. For example, the attendee must not ‘criticise the person in whose honor the entertainment is given’ and definitely ‘make no remarks about his equipment.’ Also, the attendee should only ‘be moved…according to the degree of your intimacy’ with the people hosting the funeral or the deceased. And lastly, as only Twain would point out, ‘Do not bring your dog.’

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On Theft and Conscience

‘On Theft and Conscience’ is an except taken from a speech Twain gave in 1902 and is printed in Mark Twain’s Helpful Hints for Good Living: A Handbook for the Damned Human Race . He recalled the first time he ‘removed’ (stole) a watermelon from a wagon; once he looked at it, he realized it was not yet ripe. He had a bit of remorse, so he returned the watermelon to the owner. This is Mark Twain after all; therefore, he told the owner ‘to reform.’ The owner, in turn, gave Twain a ripe melon, and Twain ‘forgave’ the owner.

The Jumping Frog

In 1865, Mark Twain wrote ‘The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County,’ a witty short story about a gambler named Jim Smiley as told by the bartender, Sam Wheeler. A French writer, while liking the story and thinking it was funny, didn’t understand why it would cause anyone to laugh and translated the story into French in order prove his point. Twain caught wind of it and translated it back into English but using the grammatical structure and syntax of the French language. As he points out, ‘the Frenchman has riddled the grammar. I think it is the worst I ever saw…’ He published everything as ‘ The Jumping Frog : In English. Then in French. Then Clawed Back into a Civilized Language Once More By Patient, Unremunerated Toil.’

A Presidential Candidate

A satirical essay written in 1879, ‘A Presidential Candidate’ makes fun of the campaign process and explores the ideal candidate or in Twain’s words ‘a candidate who cannot be injured by investigation of his past history…’ If the candidate did, indeed, expose all his ‘wickedness’ then his opponents could not use his past against him. A truly witty piece, some of the secrets revealed include the candidate burying his deceased aunt under his grapevines because ‘the vine needed fertilizing, my aunt had to be buried, and I dedicated her to this high purpose’ and his dislike for ‘the poor man.’

Advice to Little Girls

While it is a funny short story, ‘ Advice to Little Girls ‘ also has deeper meaning: girls should think for themselves. For example, one piece of ‘advice’ Twain shares is ‘If you mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won’t.’ He writes that little girls should act as they will do what they’re told but that ‘afterward act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your best judgment.’ This piece also has recommendations on how take chewing gum from little brothers, how to treat friends who have better toys, plus several more little gems.

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Community Essay Examples

When crafting your college applications, writing strong essays is essential. Through your essays, you demonstrate who you are–from your values and passions to your lived experiences. Indeed the personal statement is the most common college essay. However, you will also likely have to write some supplemental essays as part of your college application requirements. One of the most common supplemental essay types is the community essay. This essay type is also known as a describe the community you live in essay, cultural diversity essay, or community service essay.

In this article, we will introduce several community essay examples. Most importantly, we’ll describe why they are considered college essays that worked. Specifically, we will share community essay examples from the two schools:

• Princeton University
• Columbia University

By studying these admissions essay samples, you can see what makes these college community essay examples strong and apply those same principles to your writing.

Reviewing Types of College Essays

Each school has different supplemental essay prompts for their college application requirements. However, there are a few types of essays that are most common. By becoming familiar with these essay types, you can begin to brainstorm and strategize what you will write about early on. You might start as early as sophomore or junior year in high school. 

Now, let’s take a look at the most common supplementary essay questions.

Common Supplementary Essay Questions

1. why school.

A Why School essay is, as it sounds, about why you wish to attend a specific institution. The key to answering this prompt well is to be specific. You should identify examples of what you like about a school. Avoid general comments such as “it is a top school” or “it is diverse.” Share specific programs, professors, teaching approaches, cultural elements, or unique opportunities such as research or study abroad.

2. Why Major

The Why Major essay asks you to share specific reasons behind your choice of major and how it relates to your future goals. A strong response to a Why Major essay will highlight your specific motivations. But it will also connect those motivations to a school’s unique opportunities. For example, perhaps you wish to be a pre-law history major, and the school you are applying to offers law-related internships. By highlighting these specific connections, you draw a compelling connection between yourself and the school.

3. Extracurricular Activity

Many schools ask you to describe an extracurricular activity that is particularly meaningful for you. When responding to this question, do not feel limited to only talk about the most popular extracurricular activities for college applications, like clubs or sports. Consider all of the activities you do outside of school. Then choose the one that is most meaningful to you. Also, give specific examples of how you grew or made an impact within your extracurricular activities for college.

4. Community Essay

The Community Essay can have slightly different angles to it. But, the uniting factor is that the school wants to know how you engage with others around you. Some types of community essays are a describe the community you live in essay or a cultural diversity essay. In recent years, the cultural diversity essay has been a more common college application requirement.

Coming up, we will share a bit more about how to break down community essay prompts. We’ll also take a look at college essays that worked. By reading these examples, you’ll know how to approach these common prompts.

How to identify a community essay?

While community essays can have slightly different focuses, they all share the goal of learning about where you come from. A supplemental essay prompt might ask you to share more about your background via a group you are part of. This is likely a community essay. Indeed, a community essay can also be called a describe the community you live in essay, or a cultural diversity essay. Other college community essay examples focus on how you will contribute to a college campus. Finally, in a describe a community you belong to essay example, you will see that students highlight any community that is meaningful to them.

You may be wondering why so many colleges have community essays as a college application requirement. For one, many colleges use a holistic admissions process. This means they care about all aspects of who you are, not simply your grades and test scores. How you engage with your communities shows them your character and values. For example, a describe the community you live in essay example about visiting church every Sunday demonstrates your commitment to religion. Similarly, a cultural diversity essay helps colleges learn more about your cultural background. 

Additionally, colleges want to learn more about how you will engage with their on-campus community. You’ll notice this important factor in the college community essay examples we will share. To some degree, how you have engaged with previous communities can be an indicator of how you will show up on their campus.

How is a community essay different?

As we mentioned, community essays can have slightly different focuses. Some prompts ask you to write a describe the community you live in essay. These types of community essays are more like cultural diversity essays. 

Keep in mind that the word “community” can have many different meanings. A community can be your school, church, or neighborhood. It could also stem from your interests. For example, your dance or robotics team can form your community.

Some community essay prompts want to know specifically how you help strengthen your communities. These types of essays are considered a community service essay. Another term for community service is “civic engagement.” An example of civic engagement might be getting people in your cultural community to sign up to vote. Or, another could be helping with church fundraisers to ensure that your local community has the resources it needs to thrive. 

In sum, the keywords you might see in a community essay prompt are “civic engagement,” “community service,” “serve your community,” “contribute to your community,” or “diversity.” No matter how it’s phrased, your essay should demonstrate the impact you’ve had on your community–whichever one you choose to highlight. 

What are some examples of community essays?

In this article, we will share several community essay examples. Specifically, we will highlight Princeton essay examples and Columbia essays examples. Let’s look at these two colleges’ essay prompts. 

The first Princeton supplemental essay prompt is a part of our college community essay examples and our cultural diversity essay examples. Here is the prompt:

Princeton Community Essay Prompt #1: Cultural Diversity Essay and College Community Essay Examples

Princeton values community and encourages students, faculty, staff and leadership to engage in respectful conversations that can expand their perspectives and challenge their ideas and beliefs. as a prospective member of this community, reflect on how your lived experiences will impact the conversations you will have in the classroom, the dining hall or other campus spaces. what lessons have you learned in life thus far what will your classmates learn from you in short, how has your lived experience shaped you  (please respond in 500 words or fewer.).

In this cultural diversity essay prompt, Princeton wants to know about your lived experiences. By this, they refer to any experiences that have shaped you profoundly. A lived experience can be a specific event, such as experiencing a car crash or winning an award. Or, it could be a set of experiences that resulted from life circumstances, such as being a first-generation college student or having taken a gap year .

This essay prompt will also lead to college community essay examples. Indeed Princeton wants to read about your lived experiences and how they impacted you. But, they also want to know how you will bring those lessons to the Princeton community, should you enroll . Also, note that this prompt mentions challenging ideas and beliefs via conversation. As you respond, look for ways to highlight how you have engaged in fruitful dialogue and how you would do so at Princeton.

To answer this prompt effectively, share specific examples. Additionally, be sure to answer all parts of the prompt. 

Princeton has a second supplemental essay prompt that focuses on how you engage with your community outside of the classroom. The prompt is as follows: 

Princeton Community Essay Prompt #2: Civic Engagement

Princeton has a longstanding commitment to understanding our responsibility to society through service and civic engagement. how does your own story intersect with these ideals (250 words or fewer) .

To answer this prompt well, you must highlight specific examples of how you have positively impacted your community. As a starting point, consider which of your communities you have most engaged with. How have you done so and what results did you have?

The Columbia Community Essay Prompt is another of our college community essay examples. It is a cultural diversity essay, as well. Here is the prompt: 

Columbia Community Essay Prompt: A Cultural Diversity Essay

A hallmark of the columbia experience is being able to learn and thrive in an equitable and inclusive community with a wide range of perspectives. tell us about an aspect of your own perspective, viewpoint or lived experience that is important to you, and describe how it has shaped the way you would learn from and contribute to columbia’s diverse and collaborative community. (150 words or fewer).

While this prompt is similar to Princeton’s, it also references perspectives and viewpoints. In doing so, the prompt opens you up to share opinions or values that are important to you. You might consider highlighting values in your family or community that you either hold close or disagree with. 

Note that Columbia also highlights the word “collaborative” in this prompt. This indicates that your cultural diversity essay should also show how you collaborate with others.

Which schools require a community essay?

In addition to Princeton and Columbia, many other schools have community essays as part of their college application requirements. Here are some other examples of community essay prompts:

In this UNC-Chapel Hill prompt , you must describe a specific example of how you made an impact on a community. The prompt reads:

The University of North Carolina – Chapel Hill: A Community Service Essay Prompt

Discuss one of your personal qualities and share a story, anecdote, or memory of how it helped you make a positive impact on a community. this could be your current community or another community you have engaged. (250-word limit).

In responding, be sure to highlight what community you are referencing, the specific impact you made, and what personal quality helped you do so.

This prompt from UMichigan is a describe a community you belong to essay example, as well as a cultural diversity essay:

The University of Michigan: Describe a Community You Belong to Essay Example

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (required for all applicants. 1,500 character limit.).

In addition to describing the community, make sure to share how you engage with it and what it has taught you. Remember that community is a broad term. So, for this prompt you can respond with any type of community in mind, whether physical or cultural. In contrast to the describe the community you live in essay, you do not have to be geographically close to the community you describe here.

Duke University: Cultural Diversity Essay Prompts

Duke offers students five supplemental prompts to choose from, of which they can reply to two. Of these supplemental prompts, four are examples of cultural diversity essays:

1. We believe a wide range of viewpoints, beliefs, and lived experiences are essential to maintaining Duke as a vibrant and meaningful living and learning community. Feel free to share with us anything in this context that might help us better understand you and what you might bring to our community.

2. we believe there is benefit in sharing or questioning our beliefs or values; who do you agree with on the big important things, or who do you have your most interesting disagreements with what are you agreeing or disagreeing about, 3. duke’s commitment to inclusion and belonging includes sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. feel free to share with us more about how your identity in this context has meaning for you as an individual or as a member of a community., 4. we recognize that not fully “fitting in” a community or place can sometimes be difficult. duke values the effort, resilience, and independence that may require. feel free to share with us circumstances where something about you is different and how that’s influenced your experiences or identity..

Each of these prompts is a slightly different type of cultural diversity essay, from sharing a range of opinions to not fitting in within a community. Choose the essay prompts that most resonate with you. And share specific examples that bring your cultural diversity essay to life.

In this Yale University supplemental prompt , you must choose a community that you feel connected to and describe why it is meaningful. Here’s the prompt:

Yale University: Describe a Community You Belong to Essay Example

Reflect on your membership in a community to which you feel connected. why is this community meaningful to you you may define community however you like. (400-word limit).

When responding, be sure to highlight what you have learned or how you have grown from this community. In contrast to a describe the community you live in essay, this essay can be about any community, near or far, that resonates with you. Indeed, the prompt gives you plenty of leeway in what you consider community. 

When responding to the UC system prompts , you must choose four of the eight available personal insight questions. One of the PIQs is a community service essay prompt:

The University of California Personal Insight Question: A Community Service Prompt

What have you done to make your school or your community a better place, things to consider: think of community as a term that can encompass a group, team or a place like your high school, hometown or home. you can define community as you see fit, just make sure you talk about your role in that community. was there a problem that you wanted to fix in your community, why were you inspired to act what did you learn from your effort how did your actions benefit others, the wider community or both did you work alone or with others to initiate change in your community.

Similar to many of the other prompts, when answering this question, be sure to identify the specific impact you made on your community.

Now that we have looked at various examples of community essay prompts, we can explore community essay examples. Reading essay examples is a great way to get inspired to write your own college essays. 

In each of the highlighted college essays that worked, note what the author did expertly. Rather than trying to copy their responses, topics, or ideas, consider how you can apply those same skills to your writing. 

Princeton Community Essay Examples

In this section, we will highlight Princeton essay examples that respond to their two community essay prompts: a cultural diversity essay and a community service essay. 

The first of our Princeton essay examples responds to the following Princeton prompt: 

Princeton Essay Examples #1: Cultural Diversity Essay

Now, let’s take a look at a student’s response to this prompt focusing on lived experiences. 

Princeton Essay Examples #1 Student Response

I have spent most of my life living in a 41% minority town of 1.8 square miles called Highland Park, NJ. This typically overlooked town has introduced me to a diverse array of people, and it has been the main influence on my life experiences and core values.

In the face of distinct cultures and customs, we forge a single identity as Highland Parkers and come together to organize large community events. The most prevalent example is our highly touted annual Memorial Day parade, where we join together with neighboring New Brunswick to invite military service members, family members of our fallen war heroes, our legislative and congressional representatives, and our townspeople. Moreover, as our high school band’s vice president, I help organize and lead our ensemble into these performances with a positive and uplifting spirit. We communicate with the town government and arrange the performances every year to perform at the parade. The parade is an example of many of our large community events that serve as a unifying force for our diverse community, reminding us that we are fundamentally connected as one cohesive group, despite our differences. 

As someone deeply interested in historical and political matters, I am well aware of the consequences that arise from dictatorial protocols that limit the freedom of speech and diversity of voices. From my experiences debating in Model UN conferences, I have grown accustomed to being able to present viewpoints from both sides of the argument, and I have learned to incorporate and respect the viewpoints of all sides of an issue before making up my own mind. For example, in a Model Congress debate, I found myself advocating for the interests of a state heavily reliant on traditional fossil fuels. While researching and articulating that perspective, I gained insights into the economic challenges faced by the states that are reliant on these resources. This experience not only broadened my understanding of the complexities surrounding environmental policies but also highlighted the necessity of considering diverse viewpoints for comprehensive decision-making. 

My background and experiences have fostered in me a profound appreciation for the value of diversity, inclusivity, and the pursuit of knowledge. At Princeton University, I will seek to contribute as an active participant in the community, actively provide unique perspectives and insights, and respect and learn from others’ perspectives even if there are disagreements. I wish to partake in student government, which has like-minded peers who want to make a substantive impact, and also participate in service programs like the Civic Leadership Council. Also, I hope to increase my impact from the leadership positions I currently hold on the Red Cross club and teen mayoral advisory council using the platforms in Princeton. I look forward to making a positive impact on both the campus and the broader community. 

Why This Cultural Diversity Essay Worked

In the first of our Princeton essay examples, the student successfully responds to all parts of the Princeton prompt. They begin by describing their community and sharing some details about its makeup. Indeed, the first sentence hooks the reader–it is unique and compelling. 

Then, the student illustrates how they specifically contribute to their community each year by leading the high school band in the Memorial Day parade. They also highlight how their experience in Model UN shaped their appreciation for diverse perspectives. In sharing these two examples, the student demonstrates their leadership and open-minded thinking. Finally, the student ends by highlighting how they would use these values to contribute to Princeton’s community– by partaking in student government and Civic Leadership Council, among other activities.

In the second of our Princeton essay examples, the student responds to the second Princeton prompt which is: 

Princeton Essay Examples #2: A Community Service Essay

Princeton has a longstanding commitment to understanding our responsibility to society through service and civic engagement. how does your own story intersect with these ideals (250 words or fewer).

And, here is a student’s response:

Princeton Essay Examples #2 Student Response

My first experience with the Red Cross was when my older sister was desperately trying to recruit people to join the club during the harsh COVID year. Things were so bad for the club that I, as a freshman, ran for the position of treasurer unopposed. My first blood drive experience was marked by masks, social distancing, and low turnout among blood donors. Even many donors who showed up ended up being turned away due to health-related issues. Needless to say, it was not the greatest first high school service experience, and I admittedly started to doubt if the time I spent on this front was worth it. 

However, as we returned in person, things quickly turned around. As the vice president of the club, I helped recruit more than twice the club membership compared to the previous year, and our blood drives started to regain momentum; our blood targets have been exceeded every time since. Organizing and participating in blood drives has become a passion. It’s fulfilling, especially when I personally donate, to know that I’m actively serving the community and saving lives. I have realized that, despite my relatively young age, I am capable of making an impact through public service. I plan to continue my commitment to the Red Cross’s adult program and participate in service programs like Community Action at Princeton to serve the Princeton community and abroad.

Why This Essay Worked

In this admissions essay sample, we learn about a student’s volunteerism with the Red Cross as an example of civic engagement. This essay works for several reasons. First, it provides a specific example of the student’s civic engagement and demonstrates their impact by becoming vice president and increasing membership. Secondly, the essay provides an honest take on the struggles of this service experience, which lends credibility and authenticity to the story. 

The student also demonstrates an important lesson learned. This aligns with Princeton’s values– that students can have a positive impact on society. 

Columbia University Essay Examples

In this section, we will highlight Columbia essays examples that landed students admission to the prestigious Ivy League university. The first of our Columbia essays examples is written by the same student who responded to the first Princeton prompt above. Here’s a reminder of the Columbia prompt: 

As you read the example below, notice how the student edited their Princeton cultural diversity essay to meet the prompt and lower word count for Columbia:

I have spent most of my life living in a 41% minority town called Highland Park, NJ. This typically overlooked town has introduced me to a diverse array of people, and it has been the main influence on my life experiences and core values. 

HP has convinced me that we can build institutions that are strong and united while embracing a wide variety of voices and perspectives. It has shaped my core values of diversity and inclusion. An English teacher used to encourage me to talk in front of the class by saying even if I believed my thoughts were “dumb,” I could only enrich the conversation.

At Columbia University, I will seek to continue my contributions as an active participant in the community and look to actively provide unique perspectives and insights. Actively engaging in student groups such as ColumbiaVotes will be a big part of my experience. 

The Columbia essay prompt only allows for a 150-word response. This could pose a challenge for many students. What makes this essay among the Columbia essays examples that worked is how succinctly it completely answers the prompt. 

The response begins by hooking the reader with a relevant detail of the student’s community. Then, the student shares how this community shaped them by influencing their values of diversity and inclusion. Finally, the student shares how they would engage with a Columbia organization that also supports diverse viewpoints. Though short and sweet, this response clearly answers all parts of the Columbia prompt. 

More Community Essay Examples

The final of our community essay examples is a community service essay. Let’s look at how student framed their service experience:

“I don’t believe that’s the best way to do this.” 

The moment I thought this the first time I volunteered at my local soup kitchen was one that resulted in a drastic change. When I was informed of the way the food was being served to the public, the initial excitement that I had felt diminished. We were told that the plates would be served before anyone arrived and would remain in an area where people could pick it up and seat themselves. I felt that this method was impersonal and inconsiderate, and disappointment washed over me. 

I turned to the people that were around me and discovered that they shared the same disapproval I felt. When we agreed that a change must be made, we exchanged ideas on how to present this to the woman in charge of the program. I suggested that we should serve each person one-by-one, and only give them the food if they wanted to/could eat it. They suggested multiple ideas, including that we should offer to seat them, hold their plates for them, continue to check in on them, and dispose of their plates once they finish their meal. We believed that this way would genuinely make them feel better and would allow us to get to know some of them personally. A simple smile and conversation could be enough to improve their day. 

From this day on, the way in which the local soup kitchen serves our community has changed dramatically. This experience taught me the importance of speaking up for what you believe in. In a group setting, it is likely that there will be others who share the same end goal and are willing to contribute different ideas to achieve the goal. These different perspectives can allow you to see situations in ways that you previously hadn’t, and can result in better outcomes. It also showed me the importance of leadership.

If I had never spoken up about the way the food was being served, a change might have never happened. When you work in the group, the end goal may not be for the benefit of anyone in the group, but for others who are in need. This experience also showed me the beauty in doing good for others and making others happy, even through small things such as serving them food to their liking.

In this community service essay, the student shares their experience volunteering at a soup kitchen. Volunteering at a soup kitchen is not necessarily unique in the list of extracurricular activities for college applications. However, the student highlights several aspects of the experience that make it meaningful to them. 

To start, the student shares their experience challenging the way that food was served. The student suggested that food be served directly to attendees in order to better connect with community members. Through this experience, the student learns about leadership and working with others to achieve a common goal. This specific example demonstrates the student’s collaborative values and compassionate way of thinking, both of which are great attributes to highlight in college applications.

How To Write A Community Essay

As we saw in the community essay examples, there are several hallmarks of college essays that worked. To write a good community essay, whether it be a community service essay, a cultural diversity essay, or a describe the community you live in essay, you must start by understanding the prompt. Once you have carefully read through the prompt, brainstorm examples from your own life that relate to it. Sharing specific details and examples will make your response stronger and more unique. 

Additionally, showcase how you grew throughout your response. In each of the community essay examples we shared, the student discussed a skill or perspective they developed through their experiences. Finally, connect your response to the school you are applying to. If you are writing a cultural diversity essay, for example, demonstrate how you would contribute to the cultural diversity at that school, both inside the classroom and in your extracurricular activities for college.  

Topics To Avoid In Your Community Essay

When writing community essays, there is technically no topic that you cannot discuss. However, how you discuss certain topics is important. 

For example, in a community service essay, it is important to not come off as a savior of a community with less privilege than yourself. Similarly, if you are writing a describe the community you live in essay or a cultural diversity essay, you will want to avoid stereotyping any community. Speaking from your own personal experience as a member of a community is fine. However, generalizing your experience to the community at large can come across as insensitive to that community’s diversity. To avoid these pitfalls, have a variety of people read your community essay examples and look for these dynamics.

Additional Tips for Community Essays

We’ve highlighted the strengths in the community essay examples above. Now we will now share some more tips for making your community essays a strong part of your college applications:

Tips for Writing Community Essays

1. research the college.

When reviewing our college community essay examples, you will notice that students highlight specific clubs, programs, or groups on campus to which they will contribute. If you are specific, you demonstrate real interest in the school which adds strength to your college applications.

2. Tell a story

In each of the college essays that worked, students gave details that told a full story . This story incorporated where they come from and what they learned through their experiences. Rather than telling us who they were, the students used this particular story to show us.

As the college admissions landscape gets ever more competitive, students are sometimes tempted to read other students’ essays and copy ideas. Or, more recently, they may even want to use artificial intelligence to write their essays. However, AI and other students’ experiences won’t show admissions who you really are. Don’t worry about whether you have the best extracurricular activities for college or the most unique cultural diversity essay. Instead, talk about the experiences that truly matter to you. By being honest, you are more likely to come across as convincing and interesting. In each of our college community essay examples, students presented a true and well-thought-out response to the prompts.

Other CollegeAdvisor Essay Resources to Explore 

As you work on your college applications, you might be in search of additional resources. CollegeAdvisor has a wealth of webinars and articles that can help you navigate writing your essays. Here are a few:

More CollegeAdvisor Resources for Essays

1. short essay examples.

Some of the cultural diversity essays you may write will be short, meaning that they are 150 words or less. This article with short essay examples can help you understand how to write short and sweet cultural diversity essays.

2. Cultural Diversity Essay Examples

In this article , you will find additional examples of cultural diversity essays. Many community essays are also cultural diversity essays. As such, becoming familiar with how students write about their cultures is useful.

3. The Ultimate Guide to Supplemental Essays

In this webinar , CollegeAdvisor experts provide a rundown of how to write strong supplemental essays for your college applications. In particular, this webinar will help you decode essay prompts and make sure you answer each prompt fully.

4. Editing Your Supplemental Essays

Once you have read up on college community essay examples and written your cultural diversity essays, you might need help editing them. This webinar will provide tips for how to edit your supplemental essays effectively.

Community Essay Examples – Final Thoughts

Completing your college applications can be a daunting task, especially when you must write multiple essays. For some students, writing cultural diversity essays is challenging. These prompts ask you to dig deep and reflect upon your life influences.

In this guide to community essays, we provided an overview of what a community essay is and how to respond to the different types of community essay prompts. We shared cultural diversity essay examples and describe the community you live in essay examples. We also described what makes these essays strong and how they meet college application requirements. 

In short, the key to writing stand-out essays is to be authentic and thorough in your responses. If you need additional help writing your cultural diversity essay, seek out the support of a trusted resource like CollegeAdvisor. We are here to help you craft the best college applications that could gain you admissions to the school of your dreams!

This article was written by Courtney Ng. Looking for more admissions support? Click here to schedule a free meeting with one of our Admissions Specialists. During your meeting, our team will discuss your profile and help you find targeted ways to increase your admissions odds at top schools. We’ll also answer any questions and discuss how CollegeAdvisor.com can support you in the college application process.

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Interspeech 2024

Apple is sponsoring the 25th annual Interspeech conference, in Kos, Greece, September 1 to 5. Interspeech focuses on research surrounding the science and technology of spoken language processing. Below is the schedule of Apple-sponsored workshops and events at Interspeech 2024.

Stop by the Apple booth in the Kipriotis Hotels & Conference Center, Floor 1, Booth #4, from 10:30 - 19:00 on Monday, September 2; 09:30 - 18:00 on Tuesday, September 3, and Wednesday, September 4; and 10:30 - 16:00 on Thursday, September 5 (all times GMT+3).

Saturday, August 31

• Young Female* Researchers in Speech Workshop (YFRSW)
• 13:15 - 14:15 GMT+3, 2nd Lyceum of Kos
• Carolina Brum will be representing Apple during the mentoring hour at the workshop.

Wednesday, September 4

Positional Description for Numerical Normalization

• 10:00 - 12:00 GMT+3, Poster Area 4B

Deepanshu Gupta, Javier Latorre Martinez

Novel-view Acoustic Synthesis from 3D Reconstructed Rooms

• 13:30 - 15:30 GMT+3, Poster Area 2A

Byeongjoo Ahn, Karren Yang, Brian Hamilton, Jonathan Sheaffer, Anurag Ranjan, Oncel Tuzel, Miguel Sarabia del Castillo, Rick Chang

RepCNN: Micro-sized, Mighty Models for Wakeword Detection

• 14:30 - 14:50 GMT+3, Hippocrates

Arnav Kundu, Prateeth Nayak, Priyanka Padmanabhan, Devang Naik

Transformer-based Model for ASR N-Best Rescoring and Rewriting

• 14:50 - 15:10 GMT+3, Aegle B

Edwin Kang, Christophe Van Gysel, Man-Hung Siu

Thursday, September 5

Can You Remove the Downstream Model for Speaker Recognition with Self-Supervised Speech Features?

• 10:00 - 12:00 GMT+3, Yanis Club

Zak Aldeneh, Takuya Higuchi, Jee-weon Jung, Skyler Seto, Tatiana Likhomanenko, Stephen Shum, Ahmed Hussen Abdelaziz, Shinji Watanabe

Enhancing CTC-based Speech Recognition with Diverse Modeling Units

• 10:00 - 12:00 GMT+3, Poster Area 3B

Michael Han, Zhihong Lei, Mingbin Xu, Xingyu Na, Zhen Huang

ESPnet-SPK: Full Pipeline Speaker Verification Toolkit with Multiple Reproducible Recipes, Self-Supervised Front-Ends, and Off-the-Shelf Models

• 11:00 - 11:20 GMT+3, Iasso

Jee-weon Jung, Wangyou Zhang, Jiatong Shi, Zak Aldeneh, Takuya Higuchi, Barry Theobald, Ahmed Hussen Abdelaziz, Shinji Watanabe

Comparative Analysis of Personalized Voice Activity Detection Systems: Assessing Real-World Effectiveness

Satyam Kumar, Sai Srujana Buddi, Oggy Sarawgi, Vineet Garg, Shivesh Ranjan, Oggi Rudovic, Ahmed Hussen Abdelaziz, Saurabh Adya

Multimodal Large Language Models with Fusion Low Rank Adaptation for Device Directed Speech Detection

Shruti Palaskar, Oggi Rudovic, Sameer Dharur, Florian Pesce, Gautam Krishna, Aswin Sivaraman, Jack Berkowitz, Ahmed Hussen Abdelaziz, Saurabh Adya, Ahmed Tewfik

Accepted Papers

Acknowledgements.

Arnav Kundu, Ilya Oparin, Javier Latorre Martinez, Lyan Verwimp, Markus Nussbaum-Thom, Mirko Hannemann, Thiago Fraga da Silva, Tuomo Raitio, and Tatiana Likhomanenko are reviewers for Interspeech.

Related readings and updates.

International conference on acoustics, speech and signal processing (icassp) 2023.

Apple sponsored the International Conference on Acoustics, Speech and Signal Processing (ICASSP), which took place in person from June 4 to 10 in Rhodes Island, Greece. ICASSP is the IEEE Signal Processing Society's flagship conference on signal processing and its applications. Below was the schedule of Apple sponsored workshops and events at ICASSP 2023.

Interspeech 2022

Apple sponsored the 34th Interspeech conference, which was held in Incheon, Republic of Korea from September 18 to 22. Interspeech is a global conference focused on cognitive intelligence for speech processing and application.

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What We Can Learn From Tim Walz and His Son, Gus

More from our inbox:.

• Is Trump Funny?
• Kennedy’s Endorsement of Trump
• Using Antitrust Law to Encourage New Competitors

To the Editor:

Re “ Tim Walz, Protect My Son as You Do Yours ,” by Tina Brown (Opinion guest essay, Aug. 24):

Thank you, Tina Brown, for expanding readers’ understanding of neurodivergent persons. As the proud father of a 14-year-old son with developmental disabilities, I, like Ms. Brown, recognized Tim Walz’s son, Gus, as “one of ours” — a sweet, sensitive-looking, neurodivergent person who appeared somewhat unsure of himself during his father’s nomination acceptance speech.

When Gus met his father’s declaration of love for him by standing up, pointing at the stage and shouting through tears “That’s my dad!,” my heart exploded.

My son’s third-grade teacher once asked his class of various neurodivergent children, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” He responded, “I just want to be a good dad.” I have never felt more recognized and honored in my life.

Neurotypical people have something important to learn from Gus Walz’s unfiltered love, my son’s thinking and Ms. Brown’s son’s (Georgie’s) matter-of-fact honesty. In our constant reading of others, we can miss the truth of our own experience.

Paul Siegel New York The writer is a professor of psychology at Westchester Community College and Purchase College, SUNY.

Who knew that Tina Brown and I might ever have anything in common, let alone that we could share a gigantic part of our emotional makeup as parents of neurodivergent children. The cult of Trump has amply demonstrated what Ms. Brown, Gwen and Tim Walz, and countless other devoted parents like us already know: Too many of the cruel, tiny-minded bullies who mocked and stalked our kids starting in early childhood have grown into adults who are just like that.

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