my kid hates homework

5 things to say when your child says, “I hate homework!”

by: The GreatSchools Editorial Team | Updated: May 6, 2024

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Honestly, it’s hard to argue when your child say they hate homework. But how can parents respond in a way that’s helpful, builds your parent-child bond, and reinforces the idea that your child’s education and learning are hugely important? We asked the experts to weigh in.

5 ways to respond to “I hate homework!”

“i hear you.”, “we’re in this together.”.

“Often times, parents go negative,” observes America’s Supernanny Deborah Tillman. “The child says, ‘I’m not doing my homework!’ The parent says, ‘Yes you are doing your homework!’ Then it’s back-and-forth and arguing.”

Tillman says you want to motivate your child, but you also want to make sure they understand that you’re not going to engage in a battle over homework.

“How about a snack?”

Especially when a child is having trouble with it, homework is often difficult or boring, says Christine Carter, child development expert and author of Raising Happiness . And homework time often takes place when kids are wiped out and grumpy. “You have to do homework at the end of the day when all of your self-control is depleted or your willpower is depleted. So it’s asking something very difficult of children, especially younger ones,” she says. “To reinstate that self-control, your blood sugar level needs to be rising.”

“Tell it to the teacher.”

“break it down.”.

In Bird by Bird , the writer Anne Lamott famously describes her 10-year-old brother’s despair at having left a big homework project — a report on birds — until the last minute.

“…he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.’”

Lamott took a lesson for writing from her dad’s wise words, but there’s a lesson for parents there, too. “Kids experience a lot of fear and stress doing big projects,” says Diane Divecha, development psychologist and research affiliate of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence.

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How Can You Help a Child that HATES Homework?

Wondering how to help a child that hates homework? Check out a list of homework time tips from a Special Education teacher (and mom of a homework hater!) in this list of homework strategies. 

So your kid hates homework? Mine too. My daughter fights me about it almost every day. As a teacher, it’s bizarre to me. And a little embarassing. And, if I’m being honest, infuriating (for both of us).

But you know what? We still get it done every single day . Whether we want to or not.

It takes a little creativity, and a lot of energy, but there are ways to take the battle out of homework time. If you find yourself looking for a way to help a child that hates homework, here are some strategies you can try.

This post contains affiliate links. You can read more details at our legal page . Thanks for supporting The Salty Mamas!

Break the time up.

Sometimes, little bodies just aren’t meant to sit still for so long. Consider building in breaks to your homework routine. Maybe they complete spelling, then take a snack break before starting in on math. 

While we want to get homework over with quickly, this might not work best for your child. Experiment until you find the length of time they seem able to attend to a task, and then go from there.

Take it Outside

There’s no hard and fast rule that you need to do homework at a desk or the kitchen table. Sure, routines are great- but sometimes they are the very thing getting in your way.

So if your child is fussing about their homework, why not take the homework outside ? Give them the option to complete it at the picnic table in the backyard, or even head to the park and do it. That playground will offer a great incentive to stop stalling and start working – especially if you tell them they can play when the homework is done.

Change Up Preferred and Non-Preferred Assignments

Allow your child to choose what assignment they’ll do first. I know it makes sense to us to get the hard one out of the way, but your child may feel differently. Putting them in the driver’s seat can take away some of the battle.

You can also break the homework into chunks and let them take turns completing something they like (like drawing) and something they don’t (writing).  Kids get fatigued with tasks over time, and it’s nice to change it up when this happens.

Bribery gets a bad rap in the parenting world, but I am here to tell you- a little bribery is fine . I’m not saying to use this one every day, but on a bad day? Break out the gummies and quarters- this assignment is getting DONE.

Sometimes I’ll give my daughter a sticker after each section she completes. Others, I’ll pay her a quarter when the whole thing is finished. And on one particularly bad day that I remember, I literally fed her a goldfish for each letter she wrote. The bottom line is that reinforcements WORK . Don’t be afraid to use them.

“ But Jaymi, won’t my kid expect a reward every time they do something?” Well, I don’t know. You know your kid better than I do , so you need to plan for YOUR child. For Lila, some days we need reinforcements, but most days we don’t.

The trick is to keep it sporadic , and to treat it as a special occurrence. Sometimes you can tell homework is going to be a battle before you even start- and THOSE are the best days to use this.

You also don’t want to connect the reinforcement with bad behavior.  You can’t reward a full tantrum with the promise of a quarter. My daughter hasn’t yet connected the reinforcement to her hesitance to do homework (read: “If I act naughty, she’ll bust out the crackers.”). If/when this happens, we’ll be done with bribery. But until then, occasional rewards for work are ok with this teacher-mom.

Use Different Materials

We routinely complete my daughter’s homework with crayons, or even mom’s “fancy pens.” As long as your teacher doesn’t have a policy against it, changing up the writing instrument can make a big difference in your child’s willingness to work.

The same goes for other tasks, as well. Maybe instead of drawing out pictures for their math work, they could use stickers instead . You can ask your child’s teacher if this is a problem, but frankly, I never do. It’s not a huge deal, and your child’s teacher is unlikely to make it one.

Challenge Them

My daughter hates drawing. Like, HATES. So whenever a dreaded drawing assignment comes up (and this is kindergarten, folks- it comes up a LOT), we draw together . I draw a body on my paper. She draws one on hers. I draw two eyes. She draws two eyes. And so on.

This strategy works in two ways. First, it helps structure a task that your child perceives as being “too hard.” Second, if your child is competitive, they might get a kick out of trying to make their picture better than yours , or by trying to get more math problems right.

Work Alongside Them

Once in a while, I’ll hear that “it’s not fair” that my daughter has homework when no one else does.  When this happens, I remind her that we all have work . Often, I’ll even break out a task of my own and work on it while she’s getting hers done. It’s a good reminder that we all have things we need to do, and this is hers.

On other days, I’ll duplicate my daughter’s homework (either by doing the same thing or actually making a physical copy) and I’ll “race” her to get it done .  This works especially well on things that are meant to be completed quickly (think spelling words, timed reading or timed math practice).

It adds a little extra fun to an otherwise boring assignment, and we knock it out quickly.

Need More Help for a Child That Hates Homework?

If you’ve tried everything and your kid is still struggling to complete the homework, it might be time to talk to the teacher . I recommend sending them a nice note requesting a quick meeting. Keep the tone light and blame-free, and focus on working together to solve the problem.

There are several ways that homework can be modified for kids who are struggling .  Ask the teacher if they would be willing to accommodate your child’s need by adjust the quantity, time, or format of the work. Let your teacher know the specific tasks your child is struggling with, and ask (politely but firmly) how the teacher can accommodate for your child’s needs.

Be specific here. Saying the homework is “too long” or “too hard” is not going to help you much. It’s likely to make it look a lot more like you think your kid is a “special snowflake” instead of someone with an actual struggle in need of help.

Providing concrete examples and data is crucial to getting a teacher on board with modifying assignments. Saying that your child really struggles with assignments longer than seven questions, that homework takes them an average of 90 minutes per night, or that they struggle with the written portion of spelling practice can go a long way to showing your child’s teacher what needs to be done to solve the problem.

While the rest of the class might do ten math problems on a given night, perhaps your child can do five instead.  Ask your teacher if your child can complete even or odd numbers , or if they’re willing to reduce the spelling work from writing five times each to three times each. 

Find a way to reduce the amount of homework they are doing without reducing the skills being practiced.

This suggestion is similar to quantity, but sometimes teachers find it more agreeable. Instead of reducing the amount of work a child does, you can ask that they be given more time to work on it . If most kids turn in the homework on Friday, ask that your child be allowed to turn it in on Monday instead.

That will give you extra time to work on it, without asking for a  reduction in workload.

Think outside of the box on this one, and see if you can get your child’s teacher to do the same.  Ask if they would be okay with your daughter practicing her spelling words out loud instead of writing them out. See if you can let them dictate responses to questions while you type them out.  Ask if your child can give a book report in front of the class instead of writing it all down.

The response you get from your child’s teacher is likely going to depend on how far you stray from the assignment’s purpose. So if they’re going to be receiving a writing grade, the teacher is probably not going to be okay with your child  not writing that paper. But if the point is to learn how to spell words, the way they learn it might not matter too much.

Skipping Assignments:

Only ask for this one if your kid is REALLY on the struggle bus with homework. But say your kid is a genius when it comes to spelling, and has more difficulty with math. Ask the teacher if your child might be allowed to skip the spelling homework for a few weeks while you try to get the math challenges under control.

It’s a hail mary, but think how much easier your life would be with a little less on your plate. And you’ll never know what’s possible unless you ask. Why not give it a try?

And if they say yes, thank them profusely and then head straight to Starbucks so their next coffee is on you. That is a high quality teacher right there, and you want them to know that their understanding is appreciated.

It isn’t always easy (and it’s DEFINITELY not always fun), but with a few routines and few tricks up your sleeve, helping a child that hates homework can be a LOT easier than it is now.

What worked for your kiddo? We’d love to hear your tips and tricks in the comments!

Looking for more learning-based help? Head here next-

• Fun Ways to Practice Sight Words at Home
• Get the Elementary Homework Help You Need to GET. IT. DONE.
• How to Teach Your Toddler (or Preschooler!) to Read

5 thoughts on “How Can You Help a Child that HATES Homework?”

I feel like this is going to be me one day! I mean…I can’t even get him to look at a darn book.

Fingers crossed he loves it!

He hates everything lol

Avid homework hater here! These tips are awesome…even for me haha! I do all of these things for myself . I hate meal prep because its lonely, so I arrange a bunch of girls to come over and we prep for the week. I schedule little treats (massages usually) for accomplishing hard tasks, and with my most hated of responsibilities, I usually find a new tool is in order. Awesome advice for all kinds of homework!

Oooh, excellent point. Totally setting a timer next time I have to do the dishes ?

Comments are closed.

Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern.

But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want.

The battle about homework becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in their life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.

Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to schoolwork. Your child might forget to do their homework, do their homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for their test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have.

When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, and argue. Some parents stop trying altogether to get their children to do homework. Or, and this is common, parents will over-function for their kids by doing the work for them.

Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle. The hard truth for parents is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. But what you can do is to set limits, respect their individual choices, and help motivate them to motivate themselves.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Keep reading for some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten, or fight with them.

Also, keep in mind that if you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about their work, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture, and how did this happen?” Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.

Stop the Nightly Fights

The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don’t do it for them.

If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

Create Structure Around Homework Time

Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:

• Homework is done at the same time each night.
• Homework is done in a public area of your house.
• If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on their work.
• Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”

Let Your Child Make Their Own Choices

I recommend that your child be free to make their own choices within the parameters you set around schoolwork. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise, you won’t be helping them with their responsibilities.

If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents who’s in charge. I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.

Let Your Child Own the Consequences of Their Choices

I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. They can choose to do their homework or not. And they can choose to do it well and with effort or not. The natural consequences will come from their choices—if they don’t choose to do their work, their grades will drop.

When that happens, you can ask them some honest questions:

“Are you satisfied with how things are going?”

“What do you want to do about your grade situation?”

“How can I be helpful to you?”

Be careful not to be snarky or judgmental. Just ask the question honestly. Show honest concern and try not to show disappointment.

Intervene Without Taking Control

The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When they stop making an effort, and you see their grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say:

“It’s my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself, and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.”

Set up a plan with your child’s input to get them back on their feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until they get their grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should their grades continue to drop.

In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. And when you see this change, you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to monitor their work.

You’re also checking in more. Depending on your child’s age, you’re making sure that things are checked off before they go out. You’re adding a half-hour of review time for their subjects every day. And then, each day after school, they’re checking with their teacher or going for some extra help.

Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do their best.

“I Don’t Care about Bad Grades!”

Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle.

In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me. You don’t own my life.” And they’re right. The truth is, you can’t make them care. Instead, focus on what helps their behavior improve. And focus more on their actions and less on their attitude because it’s the actions that matter the most.

Motivation Comes From Ownership

It’s important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing them to own their life more.

So let them own their disappointment over their grades. Don’t feel it more than they do. Let them choose what they will do or not do about their homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now they will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring.

Let them figure out what motivates them, not have them motivated by fear of you. Help guide them, but don’t prevent them from feeling the real-life consequences of bad choices. Think of it this way: it’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing their grade and having to go to summer school than for them to learn at age 25 by losing their job.

When Your Child Has a Learning Disability

I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If they’re having difficulty doing the work or are performing below grade-level expectations, they should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.

If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is.

But be careful. Many times, kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and develop what psychologists call learned helplessness . Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing their work for them or filling in answers when they’re capable of thinking through them themselves.

The Difference Between Guidance and Over-Functioning

Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing their spelling homework for them. Rather, it’s helping them review their words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you take on your child’s work and put their responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide them by helping them edit their book report themselves or helping them take the time to review before a test. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of their work.

If your child asks for help, you can coach them. Suggest that they speak with their teacher on how to be a good student and teach them those communication skills. In other words, show them how to help themselves. So you should not back off altogether—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s essential to set up a structure. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what they have to do to be a good student.

Focus on Your Own Goals

When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals and what do you need to get done to achieve those goals. Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.

Believe In Your Child

I also tell parents to start believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt—we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it.

But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child hears is, “You’re a failure; I don’t believe you can do it on your own.”

Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”

Related content: What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School? “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

For more information on the concept of learned helplessness in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following articles:

Psychology Today: Learned Helplessness

VeryWell Mind: What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frank My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't find it!". She feels homework is a waste of time, yes, we all feel that way, but poor Nina needs to learn that homework is important to help you stay smart. She needs to start doing homework. How can I make her 2nd-grade brain know that homework is actually good? Is there a way to make her love, love, LOVE homework? Let me know.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. In addition to the tips in More the article above, it may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing these particular issues with your cousins, such as their doctor or their teachers. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Homework can be a challenging, frustrating time in many families even under the best of circumstances, so you are not alone. When kids struggle with a subject, it can be even more difficult to get assignments completed. Although you didn’t indicate that your daughter More has ADHD, you might find some helpful tips in Why School is Hard for Kids with ADHD—and How You Can Help . Author Anna Stewart outlines techniques that can be useful to help make homework more interesting for kids with a variety of learning challenges in this article. You might also consider checking in with your daughter’s teacher, as s/he might have some additional ideas for engaging your daughter in her homework. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

So, after reading this I get to say…GREAT…You really do not know my child.  We have done 100% of everything listed in this article.  In the end, my son has utterly declared “I DON’T CARE, AND I DON’T NEED SCHOOL”.  We have attempted a “reward” system as well, and that doesn’t work.  He cares about 3 or 4 things.  Nintendo DS, Lego, K’Nex, TV…all of those he has lost over the past year.  Now he reads, ALL the time.  Fine, but that doesn’t get his homework done.  It also doesn’t get anything else he needs to do done.  We’ve done “task boards”, we’ve done “Reward Systems”, we’ve done the “What is on your list to complete”.  EVERYTHING is met with either a full fledged meltdown (think 2 year old…on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying).  His IMMEDIATE response to ANYTHING that may interrupt him is “NO” or worse.  If something doesn’t go his way directly he throws a fit INSTANTLY, even if the response is “Give me a second” it’s NOW OR I’M DESTROYING SOMETHING.  He’s been suspended multiple times for his anger issues, and he’s only 10.  Unfortuantely we have no family history as he was adopted from Russia.  His “formal” diagnosis are ADHD and Anxiety.  I’m thinking there is something much more going on.  BTW: He did have an IQ test and that put him at 145 for Spacial and Geometric items, with a 136 for written and language.  His composite was 139, which puts him in the genius category, but he’s failing across the board…because he refuses to do the work.

Interesting article and comments. Our son (6th grade) was early diagnosed as ADHD and for the first 3 years of elementary school several of his teachers suggested he might require special education. But then the school counseling staff did a workup and determined that his IQ is 161 and from that point forward his classroom antics were largely tolerated as “eccentric”.  He has now moved to middle school (6th grade) and while his classroom participation seems to be satisfactory to all teachers, he has refused to do approximately 65% of his homework so far this school year. We have tried talking with him, reasoning with him, removing screen time, offering cash payments (which he lectures us as being unethical “bribes”), offering trips, offering hobbies and sporting events, and just about anything we can think of. Our other children have all been through the “talented and gifted” programs, but he simply refuses to participate in day-to-day school work. His fall report card was pretty much solid “F” or “O” grades. He may be bored out of his mind, or he may have some other issues. Unfortunately, home schooling is not an option, and neither is one of the $40,000 per year local private schools which may or may not be in a better position to deal with his approach to school.  Do “learning centers” work for kids like this? Paying somebody else to force him to do his homework seems like a coward’s solution but I am nearly at the end of my rope! Thanks..

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport 12yokosuka Many parents struggle with staying calm when their child is acting out and screaming, so you are not alone.  It tends to be effective to set up a structured time for kids to do their homework and study, and they can earn a privilege if they comply and meet More their responsibilities.  What this might look like for your daughter is that if she studies, she can earn her phone that day.  If she refuses, and chooses to argue or scream at you instead, then she doesn’t earn her phone that day and has another chance the next day.  You can read more about this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.  If you are also looking for resources to help you stay calm, I encourage you to check out our articles, blogs, and other resources on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/calm-parenting/.  Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

Scott carcione 

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are experiencing with your

son.I also hear the different

approaches you and your ex are taking toward parenting your son.While it would be ideal if you were able to

find common ground, and present a consistent, united response to your son’s

choices, in the end, you can only https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/.At

this point, it might be useful to meet with the school to discuss how you can

work together to hold your son accountable for his actions, such as receiving a

poor grade if he refuses to do his work.Janet Lehman discusses this more in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/.Take care.

It can be so challenging when your child is acting out at school, yet does

not act that way at home.One strategy I

recommend is talking with your son at home about his behavior at school.During this conversation, I encourage you to

address his choices, and come up with a specific plan for what he can do differently

to follow the rules.I also recommend

working with his teachers, and discussing how you can assist them in helping

your son to follow the rules.You might

find additional useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/acting-out-in-school-when-your-child-is-the-class-troublemaker/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your son.Take care.

I hear you.It can be so challenging

when your young child is having outbursts like this.A lot of young children tend to act out and

have tantrums when they are experiencing a big transition, such as starting a

new school or adjusting to having a younger sibling, so you are not alone.Something that can be helpful is to set up

clear structure and expectations around homework, as Janet Lehman points out in

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-refuses-to-do-homework-heres-how-to-stop-the-struggle/.I also encourage you to set aside some time

for you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/ with your daughter as well.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

JoJoSuma I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old son. His grades are quickly falling and I have no idea why or where to begin with helping him turn things around. When he applies himself he receives score of 80% or higher, and when he doesn't it clearly shows and he receives failing scores. He, too, says that he doesn't do or want to do the work because it is boring, or that he "Forgot" or "lost it". He has started to become a disruption to the class and at this rate I am afraid that he will have to repeat 5th grade. I am also a single parent so my frustration is at an all time high. You are not alone and I wish you and your family the best.

Thank you so much for these tips RebeccaW_ParentalSupport because I SERIOUSLY had nowhere to turn and no clue where to begin. I have cried many nights feeling like I was losing control. I will try your tips and see where things go from here.

It’s not uncommon

for kids to avoid doing homework, chores or other similar tasks.  After

all, homework can be boring or difficult, and most people (both kids and adults

alike) tend to prefer activities which are enjoyable or fun.  This does

not mean that you cannot address this with your daughter, though. 

Something which can be helpful for many families is to set up a structured

homework time, and to require that your daughter complete her homework in order

to earn a privilege later on that evening.  You can read about this, and

other tips, in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and

your daughter.  Take care.

Thestruggleisreal I'm just now signing up for these articles, I'm struggling with my 12 year and school work, she just doesn't want to do it, she has no care I'm world to do, she is driving me crazy over not doing, I hate to see her More fail, but I don't know what to do

FamilyMan888 

I can hear how much your

daughter’s education means to you, and the additional difficulties you are

facing as a result of her learning disabilities.  You make a great point

that you cannot force her to do her work, or get additional help, and I also

understand your concern that getting her teachers to “make” her do these things

at school might create more conflict there as well.  As James Lehman

points out in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-the-blame-game-how-to-teach-your-child-to-stop-making-excuses-and-start-taking-responsibility/, lowering your expectations for your daughter due to her

diagnosis is probably not going to be effective either.  Instead, what you

might try is involving her in the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/, and asking her what she thinks she needs, and what she will do

differently, to meet classroom expectations.  Please be sure to write back

and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

tvllpit Very effective to  kids age of 5, 7, and 11 years old. Thank you for sharing your idea.

Thank you for

your question.  You are correct that we recommend setting up a structured

time for kids to do homework, yet not getting into a power struggle with them

if they refuse to do their work during that time.  It could be useful to

talk with your 11 year old about what makes it difficult to follow through with

doing homework at that time, and perhaps experimenting with doing homework at

another time to see if that works more effectively.  In the end, though,

if your child is simply refusing to do the work, then we recommend giving a

consequence and avoiding a power struggle.  Megan Devine details this

process more in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

jovi916 I'm a mother to a 10 year old 5th grader. Since 3rd grade I've been struggling with homework. That first year, I thought it was just lack of consistency since my children go between mine and dad's house. I tried setting some sort of system up with More the teacher to get back on track, but the teacher said it was the child's responsibility to get the hw done. This year has been esp. Difficult. He stopped doing hw, got an F, so I got on him. He stared turning half done work, but same grades so I still got on him. Grades went up, I loosened up, then he stopped with in school work. Now it's back to not turning anything in, even big projects and presentations. He had never really been allowed to watch tv, but now it's a definite no, I took his Legos away, took him out of sports. Nothing is working. He's basically sitting at the table every night, and all weekend long in order to get caught up with missing assignments. I'm worried, and next year he'll be in middle school. I try setting an example by studying in front of him. My daughter just does her homework and gets good grades. Idk what to do.

I can hear your concern. Academic achievement is important

to most parents and when your children seem to be struggling to complete their

work and get good grades, it can be distressing. Ultimately, your childrens’

school work and grades are their responsibility. You shouldn’t have to quit

your own studies in order to help them improve theirs. The above article gives

some great tips for helping motivate your children to complete their homework.

We do have a couple other articles you may also find useful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sinking-fast-at-school-how-to-help-your-child-stay-afloat/. We appreciate you

writing in and hope you find the information useful. Take care.

RNM I have the exact same issues with my 8 year old. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. He's a smart kid, he just doesn't seem to care to do his homework let alone if he gets a bad grade as a result. He hates reading, but does More very well in spelling and science. Homework is an issue nightly and the teacher pulled me aside today to tell me again how much he talks in class and that now he isn't writing down his assignments and is missing 3 assignments this week. SMH, I don't know what to do anymore other than to coach him (some more) and take away basketball if he doesn't do his homework.

What?  "Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school.."  I do not see the logic or benefit of this advice.  Homework, by definition, is the responsibility of the student and parent (NOT the teacher).  The teacher does not live at the student's home or run the house.  

In my opinion, the lack of parental involvement with academics often causes the low student performance evident across the U.S.  I do not agree with advocating for even LESS parental involvement.

I completely agree with you. Parental, or adult, engagement at home can be a deal-maker/breaker when it comes to student performance. I subscribe to theories that differ from the author's.

First, if an adult is involved with the child and his activities, then the child will commonly react with "hey, somebody cares about me" leading to an increased sense of self-worth. A sense of caring about one's-self leads to caring about grades and other socially acceptable behaviors (Maslow).

Secondly, I am a FIRM believer in the techniques of behavior modification through positive reinforcement (Karen Pryor). It's up to an invested adult to determine what motivates the student and use those motivators to shape and reinforce desirable behavior such as daily homework completion. A classroom teacher has too many students and too little time to apply this theory.

Letting a child sink or swim by himself is a bad idea. Children have only one childhood; there are no do-overs.

And yes, children are work.

Many experience similar feelings of being at fault when

their child fails, so, you’re not alone. Truth of the matter is, allowing your

child to experience natural consequences of their actions by allowing them to

fail gives them the opportunity to look at themselves and change their

behavior.  We have a couple articles I think you may find helpful: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences & 5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face . Good luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

hao hao It is so true, we can't control our children's home. It is their responsibility. But they don't care it. What can we do it?

indusreepradeep

How great it is that you want to help your brother be more

productive with his homework. He’s lucky to have a sibling who cares about him

and wants him to be successful. Because we are a website aimed at helping

parents develop better ways of managing acting out behavior, we are limited in

the advice we can offer you as his sibling. There is a website that may be able

to offer you some suggestions. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/

is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults figure out ways of dealing

with challenges they may be facing in their lives. They offer several ways of

getting support, such as by e-mail or text, through an online forum and chat,

and also a call in helpline. You can check out what they have to offer at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. Good luck

to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Kathleenann indusreepradeep

Thank you so much for your humble support....

It sounds like you have done a lot

of work to try to help your daughter achieve her educational goals, and it’s

normal to feel frustrated when she does not seem to be putting in the same

amount of effort.  It can be useful to keep your focus on whether your

daughter is doing her work, and to keep that separate from whether she “cares”

about doing her work.  Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to do her

work, regardless of how she appears to feel about it.  To that end, we

recommend working with the various local supports you have in place, such as

her therapists and others on her IEP team, to talk about what could be useful

to motivate your daughter to do her school work.  Because individuals with

autism can vary greatly with their abilities, it’s going to be more effective

to work closely with the professionals who are familiar with your daughter’s

strengths and level of functioning in order to develop a plan to address this

issue.  Thank you so much for writing in; we wish you and your daughter

all the best as you continue to address her difficulties with school. 

is there a blog for parents that went to Therapeutic boarding schooling for their adolescent?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
• 2. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
• 3. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 4. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
• 5. When Your Child Has Problems at School: 6 Tips for Parents
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Help, My Child Hates Doing Homework!

Why you should agree with your kids when they tell you they hate doing their homework.

The great debate over homework is a struggle many parents face. The challenge probably looks similar across many homes. The child says, “Ugh, I hate doing my homework!” Followed by the parent saying, “Well, you have to — that’s part of your responsibilities.” This might be met with some type of schedule where the parent helps the child adhere to a more organized and structured way to complete his or her homework for the day. The arguing continues with the child asking to take a break every five minutes. 

By the time the homework is finished, everyone is exhausted. 

What if we explored this from the perspective of the child? She’s tired from her school day, and now she has to lug everything out of her backpack and spend more time doing the exact thing that has exhausted her in the first place. What if we validated how she felt and agreed? Meaning, every time they start to say they don’t like doing homework, instead of giving into to our kneed jerk reaction to stop the complaining, we say, “I understand, and I get how you’re feeling. I don’t blame you for not wanting to do your homework.” Agreement does not mean she doesn’t have to do it.

When my son was in middle school he came home and started to complain about an assignment he needed to complete at home. This particular year he had a teacher who was very “worksheet” happy. He started to complain, and I immediately tried to stop it. “Don’t complain, just focus and get your work done…you can do it!” 

Now, can you imagine if every time you complained to your spouse, partner or friend about something, they just shut you down quickly?

Before I launched into my “don’t complain” pep talk, I walked over to see my son’s assignment. He was right. It was a worksheet that asked him to color different shapes based on the answer of each math equation. For example, it asked him to color all the shapes with the number 2 blue, color all the shapes with number 10 yellow, and so on. By the way, he was 12. 

He had completed the math problems; he just didn’t feel like coloring. His complaint was fair, and here I was unwilling to acknowledge that. Instead, I said to him, “I totally get it. You’re right. That would annoy me too if I had to spend all this time coloring. Also, I know you’re tired, and when I feel tired the last thing I want to do is dive into more work.” 

The minute I agreed with him and told him I understood what he was feeling, he stopped complaining. He felt heard. There was no gain for him to keep fighting me.  

Once I agreed with him, I offered him a plan with an incentive. “Whether we agree with the assignment or not, it seems like in order for you to get credit for doing the work, you need to complete the coloring. Let’s do this, I’ll set a timer. It shouldn’t take you longer than 20 minutes to color this thing. Once you’re done, I will give you 15 extra minutes on your Xbox tonight.” 

It’s OK to give incentives here. When you are trying to establish a new behavior, your children may need some additional motivation at first.  

The minute I joined his team, and validated the way he felt, the arguing and complaining completely stopped. He knew I was there to hear him out. 

Once you agree that homework is a drag — because it is — you will want to come up with a plan together. For some children, homework may be challenging because it’s hard. You want to figure out why they’re avoiding it. It will help inform the way you move forward with your plan. 

For example, if math is challenging, tell your child you will do the first two problems with him. Then explain to him that you have to tend to something else and let him work independently on the rest. Don’t say you’re walking away so he can do it alone — you have to seem like you’re busy with something else, but that he’s got this. This will force him to work through some of the challenges independently. 

Here is how I was able to use PARR with my son when he complained about doing his homework (pause, acknowledge, respond, reflect).

He begins to complain about homework. 

I pause. I sense myself getting agitated. I can see that I’m about to respond automatically — stop complaining and get your homework done . Personally, I know I have to pause because I can physically sense that I’m agitated. My body tenses, my breathing quickens, my jaw tightens, etc. This physical response cues me to pause and breathe. 

I acknowledge that I feel triggered and bothered. Remember in this step I’m recognizing that I’m about to react from a triggered place, nothing else. I stop my automatic reaction.

I respond. Instead of the usual script that I had been using night after night, I decide to walk over and take a look at his homework while fully listening to his complaint. Not in a judgmental and annoyed way, but from an honest desire to understand his point of view. I wanted to make sure he knew I was listening. Once my response shifted and I was no longer responding from a triggered place, I was present. When this happens the solution or answer is much easier to identify. In this case, it was clear he needed an ally, and I was that for him. Also, we had to come up with a plan to decide how he was going to complete his homework. 

For every child and situation this plan will look different. Tune in to what your child needs. 

I reflect . Why does it bother me so much that he hates doing his homework? What personal fear is being exposed in this moment? If my child does not do his homework, he’ll become irresponsible. School will be difficult, and he will always struggle. We have years of schooling left. Is this what homework will always feel like? What if he doesn’t succeed in school? What does that say about me? Why can’t he just do the homework as he’s told? 

What I also realized is that we live in a culture where conformity is revered. Nothing illustrates this more than our schools. The minute children make choices that do not align with their expectations, they’re deemed a problem. My true fear was: What happens to the kids that don’t conform? This is a bigger reflection that requires a lot more work. But at the end of the day, this one parenting moment helped me tap into to something much bigger, both in me and culturally. 

By using PARR I could clearly see what my son needed and reflect on my own underlying insecurities. Take these opportunities and dig deep. You’ll be surprised to see what you’re holding onto.

Hi, I'm Albiona!

I have over 20 years of experience working with children and families, first as an early childhood educator and currently as a pediatric speech and language pathologist. I’m also a mom of two amazing humans, a writer, and life long learner. My hope is to help parents reframe the way they interpret their child’s behavior while reflecting on their parenting journey.

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What to Do When Your Child Hates School

School negativity can be evidence of a healthy brain..

Posted July 18, 2010 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

• It helps motivate children to exert effort when they believe it will pay off.
• When children's brains develop school negativity, it is usually the result of an effort-preserving mindset.
• One challenge for parents is to reconnect their children with the joy of learning.

If your child hates school, it is probably not his fault, nor that of his teacher, but rather it can be evidence that his brain is functioning appropriately.

Healthy brains protect their owners from perceived threats. School today is stressful , and often threatening, as a result of the high-stakes standardized testing that challenges students, teachers, and school administrators. There is so much information mandated as required "knowledge" for these tests (that determine federal funding), that for many children, school seems more like a feedlot force-feeding them facts without adequate time or resources to make them interesting or relevant.

Overstuffed Curriculum

Without the projects and group activities — to say nothing of the elimination of art, music, P.E., and often elementary school science, social studies, and even recess — why should a child want to be there? These classes and many enjoyable activities have been sacrificed so there is more time for the two subjects that are evaluated on those tests — math and English.

Fortunately, there are many wonderful, creative, and dedicated teachers, consultants, and administrators on the front line every day doing all they can to engage their students. Without them, I cannot imagine how much worse things would be for the children in their charge.

The problem is worst when the district is required to stick to a rigid "teacher-proof" curriculum that dictates tedious days of worksheets and nights of the same brain-stuffing. In these cases, the best teachers have less opportunity to use their skills to create the joyful, memorable learning experiences children need.

The penalty for all of us is that the dropout rate has never been higher. For today's high schoolers, it is more likely that their parents will have graduated than it is that the students themselves will graduate high school. When surveyed as to the reason for the dropping out, the overwhelming cry is boredom . When asked what constitutes boredom, the two major responses are: "The material isn't interesting" and "What we are taught has no relevance to me."

From my perspective as a neurologist and classroom teacher, I see blank faces, "acting out," and zoning out, and I know that these are not the children's choices. The brain evolved as an organ to promote the survival of the animal and the species. Its first priority is to avoid danger. Our attention is hard-wired to alert us to signals of potential danger. The most primitive parts of the brain are those that determine what gets our attention and what information gets priority entry into the brain.

This attention system is essentially the same in humans as in other mammals. When the brain experiences stress, that attention system is on autopilot, seeking out the potential threat that might be causing the emotional disturbance, while ignoring other sensory information, such as lessons.

Stress goes up with boredom and frustration in humans and animals. Animals restrained or understimulated "misbehave" with aggressive, destructive, and even self-mutilating behavior. The stress causes their brains to attend only to imagined or real threat. In that state, behavior is no longer influenced by the higher, thinking brain. Stress takes control of the neural pathways that determine where information is processed and where behavior is controlled.

The same responses take place in the human brain. If children are stressed by boring lessons that have little personal relevance, or by the frustration of not keeping up with the overloaded curriculum, their brains do what they are programmed to do: Input is diverted away from the thinking, higher brain (the prefrontal cortex) and sent to the lower, reactive brain. In this situation, in humans as in animals, the involuntary behavioral reactions are essentially limited to three responses: fight, flight, or freeze.

The reason I left my neurology practice and became a teacher was that I had a profound increase in the children referred to my practice by teachers who suspected they had attention or other neurological disorders that caused them to "act out" or "zone out" in class.

When I observed the joyless force-feeding of facts by teachers who were given the impossible task of cramming test material into these young brains, my heart went out to both the students and their teachers. I joined their ranks and made correlations between neuroscience research about stress, attention, behavior, and memory. I spent 10 years in my classrooms implementing strategies to promote the neuroscience of joyful learning.

Parents Need to Be Brain Preservers

Your challenge as a parent is to reconnect your children with the joy of learning. You can make a difference in how they relate to school and even reverse their brains' reflexive reactions. The key is to build bridges.

You can reduce your child's automatic reaction to the boredom and frustration of school and homework by linking your children's positive emotions to their one-size-fits-all classrooms. You can enrich and expand your children's learning experiences and help them be more successful on tests and other school assessments. More importantly, you can revive the love of learning and discovery that was present when they started kindergarten.

How to Build the Bridges for Your Child's Safe Passage Across Troubled Waters

The intervention you can provide is to connect your children's classroom studies to their interests. Help them find personal relevance that busts the stress and opens up the neural pathways to their upper, intelligent brains, where true learning and creative thinking take place.

You can use strategies with your children at home to reverse school negativity and promote the mindset your children need to regain in order to sustain a positive attitude about themselves and school. With this outlook and reversal of negativity, their brains will be more receptive to attentive focus and memory-making, both during class and homework time.

The success your children will see from their effort will promote new neural pathways, helping them to respond to learning more efficiently. They'll also more efficiently store what they learn in their long-term memory . Finally, they will retrieve the information not only for the test but for the challenges and opportunities that await them in the 21st century.

The key to this process is to connect your children to what they learn at school through their interests and past positive experiences, so they will WANT to learn what they HAVE to learn.

Looking Inside the Brain

Neuroimaging studies reveal the real-time metabolic and structural changes in the brain that occur when newly learned information is retained in memory storage areas. We know from these studies that memory storage activity pumps up when the new information is related to prior knowledge, personal interest, and positive emotional experiences.

Similarly, each time your children focus their attention, this activates their neural pathways for alerting and focusing, making those neural circuits stronger. As a result, it increases their ability to pay attention and focus. Most certainly, they'll need this strengthening of attentive focus if they are to learn from lengthy and tedious time spent on drill-and-kill activities at school. Little mental energy may be left when they come home and are required to do more repetitive drill work, especially with the lure of their video games, laptops, social networking , and television.

Practicing these processes of active learning for long-term memory is like exercising a muscle. The neuronal circuits involved become more developed because of their repeated activation through the process of neuroplasticity.

Each time a memory is activated — especially when one memory network is activated in connection with another, related memory circuit — the networks become stronger, more accurate, and extensive. Repeated linking of related memories with new learning is like brain glue. The new information increasingly grows more linking connections (dendrites, synapses) every time the new and prior memory are used together for a new purpose.

An example would be activating the memory of family camping trips to link with the new learning about the settlers traveling across the country in covered wagons. When you help your children link the new learning about the settlers with that long-term stored memory of family camping trips, the school-based social studies lessons grow more dendrites that carry information between neurons that hold the memories. Now, the neuroplasticity links are like mental Velcro. When your children want to remember facts about the social studies lesson for a test, recalling the camping trips retrieves the associated information they need to answer the test questions.

Brains Keep Track of Effort That Does or Doesn't Pay Off

It helps motivate children to exert effort when they believe it will pay off. Why? The brain evolved for survival. Survival is served when the brain evaluates the likelihood that effort will produce a payoff. The brain is wired to remember the outcome each time it evaluates a situation (challenging test question, confrontation by a classmate, choice of studying or playing, decision to pay attention to a lecture, whether to try out for a team) and predicts whether effort will pay off.

There is a special structure in the brain where its only job is to squirt pleasure-evoking dopamine into the prefrontal cortex (the place where past memories are activated to make the prediction) when a prediction (i.e., choice, answer, social response, decision to put in physical effort, prediction that doing homework is a better choice than playing) is found to be accurate.

This accumulated information about the predictions made and the results is used by the brain in animals and humans, to evaluate new, similar situations when effort is called for. A fox that tried chasing a rabbit up a steep hill, exerting effort and using valuable energy stores in the chase, only to be outrun by the rabbit, keeps a memory of that prediction. The fox builds a memory network that the effort exerted failed to produce the predicted result. A few more such failed attempts and the fox's brain builds a more and more accurate memory network to better survive. It now uses that network to predict whether to exert effort based on previous experience relative to the steepness of the hill and distance from the prey. The fox now will not extend effort if this network predicts that chasing the rabbit up a steep hill is unlikely to be successful.

When children's brains develop school negativity, it is usually the result of the effort-preserving mindsets constructed by unsuccessful prior efforts. Through a past history of failed efforts — past efforts to sustain attention in class, do homework carefully, persevere at challenging classwork — that did not result in success, children's brains learn to automatically resist putting mental effort into subsequent similar activities.

Children who are quite intelligent can have difficulty with rote memorization. Yet, since that memorization is what is tested and therefore perceived by students as valuable, they develop the belief that their failure to sustain attention in class or to get high grades on rote memory tests means they are unintelligent and don't have the ability to succeed. That mindset is not only inaccurate, but when taken on by your child, means the positive effort-to-goal neural patterning becomes more difficult to develop.

Preheat Your Child's Memory Networks

Connect their brains to the topics they will be studying at school by looking at photos or videos of family trips, objects they own that were made in countries they study, or reading favorite stories that relate to topics in science, history, and math. The curiosity prompted by your reminders of their past experiences and current interests is a brain bridge ready to link with the information they must learn for school. The Velcro is now waiting in their brains, and their neural circuits are prepared to grow the dendrites that will physically link the new information with their permanent memory circuits. Additionally, they now have the interest and positive mindset to want to know what they have to learn.

Also, you'll further preheat the memory links to connect their interest to school work when you ask your children questions that help them personally connect these stories, past experiences, possessions, or their interests to the current or upcoming school topics. Stimulate curiosity in your children so they want to discover answers and solve problems. Their brains remain attentive because they are personally interested in the answer to the question.

Stimulate curiosity in your children related to school topics, and then work with them as they learn how to discover answers to their curiosity-motivated questions. You will not only be increasing positive school topic connections, but also help them develop critical thinking skills and other frontal lobe executive functions as they analyze information (from their memories, books, the internet, and from you) to answer their questions.

Their brains are attentive because their curiosity generated their question. As they learn to focus attention on and evaluate which information is pertinent to answer their questions, they build their highest thinking skills such as analyzing, organizing, and prioritizing.

Thanks to your connecting school topics with their interest by engaging their curiosity, their brains get a jump start on information processing skills that will promote success in academic, social, and emotional challenges and opportunities throughout their lives. When children are motivated by curiosity and interest to ask and then find answers to questions, their brains build skills of prediction, deduction, expanded thinking, analysis, and the ability to distinguish fact from opinion, make judgments, and support their own opinions or ethical beliefs. These are rather nifty side benefits from promoting your child's curiosity about school topics and reducing school negativity.

Preparing to Be a Brain Coach

You may need the curriculum in advance from your child's teacher, but more likely, the teacher will be required to follow the textbook in a strictly sequential manner. As long as you know what material will be studied in the next class unit, you can find ways to bring it into active discussions at home, in the car, or while waiting in line at the grocery checkout.

You might want to have a handy note card with a supply of open-ended questions that are good bridges to link your children's interests to many topics. These can be cues for how to relate things you experience together to school topics.

If your child is interested in sports, a question on your list might be, "If you were the coach of a [...] team how would you use [...] to help your team win?" The first blank would be their favorite sport or the name of a favorite team. The second blank would be the related school topic (gravity, averaging, multiplying, vocabulary words, inventions, or qualities evident in characters from their school literature books).

If your children learned about taxation without representation in American history or percentages in math, you can show them the grocery bill and ask their opinion of the tax added to the total. How was the number calculated? Can they estimate what percent of the total bill the tax represents? Is it fair to have tax?

If your child likes skateboarding and the city council voted down the proposed skateboard park, there is an opening to discuss if the decision was fair. How does the current system work? How do these council members represent what you want? Should children vote? Should people who pay more taxes have more say in how tax money is spent? All of these questions can be linked to topics in history such as the Revolutionary War (taxation without representation), the Civil War, poll taxes, and voting rights for former slaves and women—which came first and why?

Discussions you promote to bridge your children to their school work will serve as stronger memory cement if you are an active, attentive listener when they express their ideas or ask questions. This is not the time to split your focus. To keep them motivated, your children need to know you are truly interested in their ideas and opinions.

Negativity Turns to Motivation

The knowledge gained from brain research, when applied to learning, can help you energize and enliven your children's minds. You can help them build life skills such as improved memory, focus, organization, and goal setting. Using your knowledge of your children's interests, past enjoyable experiences, and learning strengths to bridge their interest to school subjects will result in their improved attitudes, motivation , perseverance, and ultimately their increased confidence that their efforts will pay off.

Your interventions will help your children avoid the learning turn-off to the challenges of today's fact-heavy, meaning-light curriculum. You will help them construct the brain circuits to become lifelong learners who can transfer and apply what they learn to real-world situations.

The results will more than offset your planning and preparations. Smiles will replace groans and eye-rolls when you use neuroscience to return the joys of learning to your children.

Judy Willis , M.D., is a board-certified neurologist and middle school teacher, specializing in classroom strategies derived from brain research.

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How To Motivate Child To Do Homework (7 Practical Tips)

Kid is on almost every parent’s mind right now.

Getting kids to do homework is not always painful.

In fact, it can be outright fun!

In this article, I will share the secret on motivating your child to not only do homework but also love homework.

Yes, you read it right.

It is possible to love doing school work.

No yelling, screaming, threatening or crying required.

Table of Contents

Why Do Kids Hate Homework

Let’s start with kindergarteners.

For many children, kindergarten is their first formal experience in school.

Kindergarten has changed a lot over the last decade.

Once a place for socialization and play, kindergartens now emphasize the importance of learning to read, to count, to sit still and to listen to the teachers.

Going from playing all day at home to behaving or sitting still in a structured environment for hours at a time is a tough transition.

To add to that, many kindergartens also assign homework to these little children, further reducing their available play time.

It’s no wonder that some kindergarteners are not motivated to do homework.

Homework Motivation

Remember when your child was still a toddler, he/she would get into anything and everything?

They were curious and they were eager to learn about everything around them.

They were passionate learners .

Children naturally love learning, if we provide the right environment and motivate them appropriately.

Here’s the problem…

When you hear the word “motivate”, what do you think of it?

If you’re thinking about toys, money, iPad time, points, stickers, etc., you’re not alone.

Rewards (and sometimes punishments) are many parents’ go-to motivators.

Parents love them because they work almost instantly.

You present the prize and the child complies to get it. Problem solved.

Simple and effective.

But very soon, you will notice some unintended results.

Here is an example.

Some years ago, after a lecture, Professor Mark Lepper was approached by a couple who told him about a system of rewards they had set up for their son, which had produced much improved behavior at the dinner table. “He sits up straight and eats his peas and the Brussels sprouts and he is really very well behaved,” they reported. Until, that is, the first time the family dined at a nice restaurant. The child looked around, picked up a crystal glass from the table and asked, “How many points not to drop this?” A fine example, says Dr. Lepper, of the detrimental effects of over-reliance on rewards to shape children’s behavior. Mark Lepper: Intrinsic Motivation, Extrinsic Motivation and the Process of Learning By Christine VanDeVelde Luskin, Bing Nursery School at Stanford University

This example is far from rare.

In fact, it is very common when a child is motivated purely by an external reward.

Once the reward is removed, the child will no longer be interested in continuing the behavior.

What’s the right way to motivate children ?

The answer is intrinsic motivation.

Intrinsic motivation for kids refers to engaging in an activity for its pure enjoyment.

This enjoyment comes from within an individual and is a psychological satisfaction derived from performing the task, not from an extrinsic outcome.

In other words, to get your kid to do homework, first help them enjoy doing it .

It is not as crazy as it sounds.

It’s unfortunate that homework is called “work”.

We like to separate work from play.

So naturally, we feel that homework is drudgery.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Homework is a tool for children to learn and get familiar with the knowledge taught in class.

To enjoy homework, the child has to enjoy learning .

How To Motivate a Child To Do Homework

To motivate kids, we first change our mindset, from a working mindset to a learning mindset .

The goal of going to school is not about getting into college, finding a good job, earning a stable income, etc.

Of course, all of those are wonderful, but that’s a working mindset – you’re doing all that work for reasons other than enjoying the learning itself.

Going to school is about learning , acquiring knowledge, exploring new subjects and growing as a person.

In the US, the average expected years of schooling is 16.7 years.

If a child doesn’t like school, that will be 16.7 years of misery.

You don’t want that for your child.

But here’s the good news.

If you can intervene early, like in kindergarten or even before kindergarten, your child will be getting off to a good start.

So, convince yourself to change from the working mindset to the learning mindset.

It sounds abstract, but here are 7 tangible steps for moving toward that goal.

1. Stop referring to kid doing homework as your child’s “job”

When you call it a “job”, you are implying that it will be all work and no fun.

Doing that is setting up a child to feel bad even when it’s not.

2. Don’t tell your child, “you cannot play until you finish your homework”

Again, by putting homework in a category separate from play, you are saying that it cannot be enjoyable.

The importance of play cannot be overstated. So make it count.

Tell your child that they can do both (of course, only healthy physical play like basketball or biking, but not watching iPad).

They can decide the order of doing them as long as they do both by the end of the day.

You’d be surprised – giving a child autonomy over their homework schedule is one of the biggest motivators.

3. Don’t use “no homework” as rewards

I once heard that some teachers would give students with good behavior “no homework tonight” as a reward.

I was horrified.

Homework is for practicing what we’ve learned in school.

It helps us understand and remember better.

It’s not a punishment or torture that you need a “break” to feel better.

Don’t give your child the impression that homework is something you want to get away from.

4. Do not nag, bribe or force

Do not nag and do not force your kid to do homework, whether through rewards or punishment.

“But then, how to make kids do homework?” parents wonder.

Don’t make your child do homework. Period.

Forcing or bribing will only backfire and reduce your child’s intrinsic motivation.

The motivation to do homework needs to come from within the child themselves.

5. Let your child face the natural consequences

“But what to do when my child refuses to do homework?” many frustrated parents ask.

When your child refuses to do school work, let them… after you explain why doing homework is important for learning and what may happen in school if they don’t.

Walk them through the natural consequences for not doing homework – they won’t retain the information well and they will need to accept whatever natural consequences in school.

They will have to explain to the teacher why the homework was not done and they may lose some recess time, etc (but first confirm that the school doesn’t use corporal or other types of cruel punishment).

Wait… What?!

You think I should let my child fail?

Well, not doing homework in lower grades is not the end of your child’s academic career.

Think about this, you cannot force or bribe your child through college.

Help them understand the purpose of learning and doing homework now .

You’re helping them make the right decision by letting them understand and face the natural consequences sooner rather than later.

6. Do homework with your child

Don’t tell your kid that homework is important, show them through your action.

Do the homework with them.

You are telling your child you value this so much that you are willing to take the time to do it together. Besides, parental involvement is associated with better school performance.

7. Make doing homework fun and positive

There are many ways to make homework for kids fun.

Let’s take a look at two methods I’ve used and the results.

You can try them or invent your own.

Method 1: Use doing homework as a “reward” (younger kids like kindergarteners)

Wait, you said that using rewards wasn’t good a moment ago.

Now you say, “use homework as a reward”?

Well, I said rewards were bad because you would be implying the activity you’re trying to motivate your child to do was not as good as the reward.

But here, I am using homework as a reward.

I am signaling to my child that doing homework is so good that she needs to “earn it”.

How to earn it?

You can try different things.

We used “If you behave, you can do homework with me. If you don’t behave, you can’t do homework.”

We started at preschool and it worked very well.

Parents who have tried this report good results in motivating their children to do homework, too.

But some of them have concerns…

Some parents are uncomfortable with this idea because it feels manipulative.

That’s because these parents do not believe in the idea that homework can be fun.

So they feel like they’re lying to the child.

But I genuinely like homework! (Yes, I’m officially a nerd)

So I have no problem helping my child learn to love homework like me.

If you are not convinced yourself, you may not want to try this method.

Or if your child is older and already hates homework, it won’t work.

However, although I don’t agree with using manipulative measures in general, I don’t see this particular one harmful to children even if the parents do not like homework themselves.

Method 2: Turn doing homework into a game and a bonding activity

When my daughter was in preschool, I bought colorful homework books and we did them together.

Sometimes we took turns – she did one problem and I did the next and so on.

Sometimes we raced to see who would finish the page faster.

Sometimes I did them wrong intentionally so that my daughter could point out the wrong answers.

It was actually very empowering and satisfying for her to be able to catch Mom’s mistakes!

We celebrated when we both finished or got the right answers.

It was a lot of fun and my kid enjoyed doing that so much.

By the time she started kindergarten, she already loved homework.

In kindergarten, I couldn’t do her homework because, well, that’s her homework.

So I bought homework books that were similar to the ones she brought from school. Then, I did problems alongside her as she did hers.

We still raced, celebrated, and had fun doing it.

The result?

At the beginning of her kindergarten year, my daughter was given two homework books to take home.

The teacher would assign homework from the books every week.

They were supposed to be used for the entire school year.

But my kindergartener liked doing homework so much that she finished it all in one month!

No yelling, screaming, threatening, or crying is required.

Final Word On Motivating Your Kid To Do Homework

Getting your kid to do homework is only the first step in building a good learning habit.

Finishing homework or getting good grades is not the purpose of going to school.

Instill the love of learning in your child early on and your child will benefit for life.

• 1. Ginsburg KR. The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds. PEDIATRICS . Published online January 1, 2007:182-191. doi:https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2006-2697
• 2. Lepper MR, Greene D. Turning play into work: Effects of adult surveillance and extrinsic rewards on children’s intrinsic motivation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology . Published online 1975:479-486. doi:https://doi.org/10.1037/h0076484
• 3. Nye C, Turner H, Schwartz J. Approaches to Parent Involvement for Improving the Academic Performance of Elementary School Age Children. Campbell Systematic Reviews . Published online 2006:1-49. doi:https://doi.org/10.4073/csr.2006.4

Disclaimer: The content of this article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider for medical concerns.

Blog Post > “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

• “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle

Over the past few weeks I have had many frustrated parents in my office discussing issues that they were having with their child refusing to do homework. Most of the parents I talked to described homework taking hours and ending with everyone frustrated and upset. This is a nightly occurrence and both the child and parent struggle with a solution. The following article from www.empoweringparents.com by Janet Lehman, MSW has some helpful hints that might just end this nightly struggle. — Megan Yaraschuk, M.Ed., PCC

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” Here’s How to Stop the Struggle by Janet Lehman, MSW

Do you get sucked into a fight over homework with your child every night? So many parents tell me that this is one of their top struggles with their kids. If you’re dealing with this now, you probably dread saying the words, “Okay, time to do your homework,” because you know what’s coming next — screaming, stomping, book-throwing and slammed doors. Or it might simply be hours of dealing with your complaining, whining or non-compliant child or teen who just hates to do the work. Even though you reason, lecture, nag and yell, nothing seems to change — and each night turns into a battle with no victors.

Trust me, I get it. I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It felt overwhelming to me; often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed. Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work and the amount of time required feel unending at times — both to him and to us. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility — but even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives and our expectations to make sure our son turned it in on time.

They Don’t Call It “Homework” for Nothing

Here’s something I learned along the way: homework is work, and there’s no getting around that fact. It’s a chore for both the child and parent. It’s important to understand that schoolwork is often the most difficult part of your child’s busy schedule. Helping your kids manage it despite all the other activities they would rather be doing can be challenging at best. Remember that it’s your child’s job to go to school and learn (including getting homework completed) and your job to provide for your kids, run the house and offer love and guidance to your children.

I know from experience how easy it is to get caught up in power struggles over homework. These struggles begin for several reasons, but the most common one is because your child would rather be relaxing, playing, texting with friends, or doing almost anything else. Know that if you deal with their frustration by losing it and getting mad out of your own frustration, it will be a losing battle. Some kids are even able to manipulate parents this way, because they know the battle over homework may result in your giving up on expectations to get it done.

Here’s the truth: letting your child off the hook for their work will ultimately create problems in their lives. Instead, focus on the fact that as a parent, you need to teach your child how to follow through on expectations and be accountable. All the more reason to take control and make homework just another part of your child’s daily responsibilities.

Here’s my advice for reducing homework hassles in your home:

• Try to stay calm : Try to avoid losing your cool and yelling and screaming, arguing about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz, ignoring the homework altogether or being inconsistent with what you expect, being overly critical, or giving up and just doing the work for your child. The first step is to try to stay as calm as you can. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and is likely not going to help them get the work done.
• Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. Let your children know that you expect them to get the work done on time and to the best of their abilities; the most important thing is that they try their best. Set aside the same time each afternoon or evening for them to do their work. Understand that kids are all different in how they feel about and approach homework. Some may find English easy, but get really frustrated with math. Another may be a science whiz, but have no patience when it comes to writing. It’s important to know your child: their strengths and struggles, and how they learn. Some kids need small breaks throughout a session, while others may need the task to be broken down into smaller pieces and then varied. While there are some children and teens who are self-directed and able to complete homework without assistance, most require some type of guidance and/or monitoring, depending on their age. This makes it especially challenging for parents, because it means you need to perform different functions with each child you have, depending on their needs.
• Have a relationship with your child’s teacher. Try your best to build a good relationship with your child’s teacher. Start off at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationship with your child’s teachers will pay off during the good times as well as the challenging times.
• Play the parental role most useful to your child. Some kids need a coach; others need a “monitor,” while others need more hands-on guidance to complete tasks. Try to match your help with what is most needed. Remember also that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself, your responsibility is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s responsibility to do his or her assignments, and the teacher’s job to grade them.
• Keep activities similar with all your kids. If you have several kids, have them all do similar activities during homework time. Even if one child has less homework or finishes more quickly, they need to be respectful of their siblings by doing quiet, non-disruptive activities.
• Set up a structured time and place for homework. Choose a time and place and stick to a routine as much as possible. Consider adding in break times for kids with shorter attention spans. They might work on their spelling words for 15 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break, for example. Offer snacks to keep kids “fueled” for the work. Keep the house generally quiet for everyone during homework time—turn off the TV (or at least keep the volume down). Make sure your kids have a “space” for doing their work. For some kids this will mean a large work space like a kitchen table to spread out their papers and books, and for others it may mean a small quiet area in their room.
• Start early: Start early with your young children setting up “homework” time, even if it’s just some quiet reading time each night. This helps get them used to the expectation of doing some “homework” each night and will pay off as the actual work gets harder and more time-consuming.
• Offer “Hurdle Help”: Some kids need what we call “hurdle help.” Let’s say your child has big test to study for, but can’t seem to get started. You can help out by running through the first few problems, for example, until he gets the hang of it. Or you might brainstorm with your teen to help her choose a topic for the big paper she has to write. You’re not doing the work for them, rather, you’re helping them get going so the task doesn’t seem so daunting.
• Choose the best person for the job: If you are part of a couple, consider that one of you might be better at “teaching” and then let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. It will likely help the routine become more consistent and effective for your child. If you are a single parent, you might have a friend or family member (an older cousin who’s good at math, or a neighbor who’s a writer, for example) who would consider helping your child from time to time.
• Offer empathy and support. If your child is really struggling, give them some support and guidance and show some empathy. Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may sincerely be struggling with it. If you have a child who is really having a hard time, it’s important to have communication with the teacher to see if this is typical for all kids, or if it’s unique to your child. If your child also has these problems in class, know that there are different approaches to helping them learn that can be useful. The teacher may recommend some testing to see if there are learning problems. While this can be hard to hear as a parent – as if something is wrong with your child – it’s important to find out how your child learns best and what your teacher and you can do to support their learning style.
• Use positive reinforcement and incentives: It’s always important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering some kind of incentive for completing homework or getting good grades. Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. But, it’s also helpful to offer some incentives to encourage them. Rather than money, I would recommend offering rewarding activities for your child’s academic successes. This could include going shopping for some “goodie” the child has really wanted, renting their favorite movie and having “movie night” at home, or other ways of spending special time with a parent. These things can become more meaningful than money for most kids and they get to experience their parent in a loving, supportive and reinforcing role.

Most kids will never really “enjoy” homework, and for some it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders. While it would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down and dug into their homework, this just isn’t going to be the case with most kids. As James often said to parents, “We need to learn to parent the child we have – not the child we’d like them to be.” Our role is to guide our children, support them through the challenging tasks, and teach them about personal responsibility.

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Psychology Explains 5 Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

Having kids is a full-time job; each period of their life has different struggles. When they are babies, they take up all your time and energy. Then, as they grow up, they become more independent. Because of that, things should become easier in time, right? But all parents know that’s not the case. So, as the children mature, they may develop an aversion to extra schoolwork.

They start having trouble with friends or even dealing with little crushes. But one of the most challenging aspects of a kid’s life is managing school work. In the first few years, it’s fun and easy. Kids can draw, read entertaining stories, learn the basics and make friends. But then, the dreaded homework comes into their lives.  

Even you dreaded having to do the extra work the day you went to school. And your kids hate it just as much, if not more, because of the added pressure on them. If you don’t believe this to be a fact, you should look at all the psychological data supporting it. So, here are five psychological reasons why kids hate doing homework.  

5 Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

1 – they are already tired and don’t want more schoolwork.

Contrary to popular belief, school work shouldn’t be a full-time job. But society still treats it as such. As a result, all students, especially high school students, are busy with schoolwork for at least thirty hours a week. And that’s on the lower end. In the first few years of school, kids have four to five classes daily, often followed by after school.

They start taking six to seven classes daily, extracurricular activities, and homework as they grow older. Hardworking students can study for up to 70 or 80 hours a week. This is crazy when you think that a high paying nine to five job only takes up 40 hours of someone’s week. And they are adults who work to earn money, not just little kids.

Even adults experience this. When they get home from work, they don’t want to hear anything about work for the rest of the day. So, why are we so surprised when kids don’t want to deal with any extra work after a  full day ? It’s insane to think that kids have to spend as much time as a full-time job (or more) to keep up with school. They are young and should have the time to be kids and live their lives.

As a parent, you need to ensure they don’t work themselves to exhaustion. Help them with homework when they are too busy and allow them to relax after school.  

2 – Making Time to Do Their Homework Is Hard

As a kid, you don’t still have enough life experience to know how to be organized. When people start throwing more and more work at a kid, they’ll likely collapse under pressure. Even if your kid is academically inclined, it still doesn’t mean it’s easy for them to juggle doing everything. They might have even liked doing homework at some point when it was easy and short. But, as kids grow up, they will inevitably start hating homework.

3 – Homework Can Be Very Boring

Let’s face it; many kids find homework useless and boring. And, in many cases, it can be. Maybe your kid is sure they want to work in a science field, like medicine. But, then, what’s the point of them writing a five-page history essay? Sure, you could argue that it’s for their general knowledge. But that’s not a strong argument, especially when you think they could be doing better things with their time.

But they will after having to spend ten hours working on a project about it. Sometimes, too much homework can make kids hate a subject they used to love. For example, they could be fascinated by how the universe works but still refuse to do their physics homework. If that’s the case, you, as a parent, should consider that they find their schoolwork  boring . In that case, please make an effort to make it interesting for them. Or at least give them rewards for doing that tedious work. 

4 – Homework Doesn’t Usually Incentivise Creativity

A kid who is a great painter might hate doing science homework. But that doesn’t happen to everyone. But what is more common is kids feeling like they can’t be  creative . Teachers think that good homework follows all the rules. But that means that kids who do things their way will never earn a reward. Worse, they might feel shame about going off the beaten path. For example, if they were asked to do an essay and did a beautiful video presentation, they would get an F.

5 – Homework Isn’t Actually About Learning

Homework should be a way for kids to understand concepts they learned in class. If a kid struggles to do homework, the teachers should take the time to help them. Not knowing how to do their schoolwork shows that the kids are struggling and need extra help. Instead, homework is just a significant source of anxiety for most kids.

Homework is often just a way for some teachers to assign extra grades instead of being a learning tool.  As a parent, don’t be surprised if your kids hate doing it. Remember that they are probably just scared of messing up. Instead, it would help if you took some time to help them overcome what they’re struggling with.  

Final Thoughts on Some Reasons Why Kids Hate Doing Homework

There are many psychological reasons why kids hate doing homework. The most common one is that they are already tired after going to school for the day. So, the extra work is nothing but a burden that might not even help them. Not only that but doing it means sacrificing other activities. And, to be honest, homework can be very dull. Kids would much rather do something more interesting, like investing time in their hobbies.

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Child Not Doing Homework? Read This Before You Try Anything Else

by Tanith Carey . (This article is part of the Be Positive series. Get free article updates here .)

Instead, Lily had just scribbled all over her homework worksheet, thrown her pencil on the floor and was now yelling at the top of her voice: “ I hate Math! I suck at it!”

With my younger daughter to put to bed, Lily in a melt down and me exhausted after a day at work, the tension was rapidly rising.

But even if I could calm ourselves down , there was no end in sight. Even if I could persuade her to finish her math homework, Lily still had the whole book reading to do.

So I was facing two choices –

Should I stand over her and insist that not doing homework was NOT an option?

Or should I tell her to put the books away, write a note to her teacher and just let her unwind and play in the lead up to bedtime?

Have you been there? What choice would you make?

The choice I would make now is very different to what my choice would have been a few years back.

Back then, I’d try to push through with a mixture of cajoling and prompting and assurances that she did know how to do her Math  really .

If that didn’t work then maybe in despair and frustration that she didn’t seem to want to try, I would have gotten angry and tried to explain how serious I was about this.

A Game of One-Upmanship

After all, what choice did I have? From the very early days in the private nursery she attended, I found myself surrounded by lots of other mothers locked into the same race to make their children the brightest and the best.

As Lily got older, I came to learn how insidiously contagious  pushy parenting is.

If one of the mothers spotted another parent with a Kumon Math folder, we all rushed to sign up too – for fear our children would get left behind.

Neurosis underpinned every conversation at the school gates – particularly as all of us were aiming to get our children into a small handful of selective private schools in the area.

Bit by bit, the parenting journey which had started off being so exciting and rewarding, was turning into a stressful game of one-upmanship .

But children are not products to be developed and put on show to reflect well on us.

Depending on what happens on the night, every child is conceived with a unique combination of genes which also maps out their strengths, weaknesses and personality traits before they are even born.

Lily may have been bred into a competitive hotbed. But as an innately modest and sensitive child, she decided she did not want to play.

The alarm bells started ringing in Grade Three when, after I personally made sure she turned in the best Space project, she won the prize. While I applauded uproariously from the sidelines, Lily, then seven, fled the room in tears and refused to accept the book token from the Head.

When she calmed down, she explained she hated us making a fuss. But what is just as likely is that she disliked the fact that her successes had become as much ours as hers. Even at that young age, no doubt she also realized that the more she succeeded, the more pressure she would be under to keep it up.

Over the next few years, the issues only deepened.

The Problem of Not Doing Homework

The increasing amounts of homework sent home by the school gradually turned our house into a war zone – with me as the drill sergeant.

Homework is one of the most common flash points between kids and parents – the crossroads at which academic endeavors meet parental expectations at close quarters – and behind closed doors.

Surveys have found that homework is the single biggest source of friction between children and parents. One survey found that forty percent of kids say they have cried during rows over it. Even that figure seems like a dramatic underestimate.

Yet more and more, it is recognized that homework undermines family time and eats into hours that should be spent on play or leisure.

A straightforward piece of work that would take a child twenty minutes at school can easily take four times as long at home with all the distractions and delaying tactics that go with it.

As a result, children get less sleep , go to bed later and feel more stressed .

Homework has even started to take over summer vacations.

Once, the long break was seen as a chance for children to have adventures, discover themselves and explore nature. Now the summer months are viewed as an extension of the academic year – a chance for kids to catch up or get ahead with workbooks and tutoring.

But ultimately homework abides by the law of diminishing returns.

Researchers at Duke University found that after a maximum of two hours of homework, any learning benefits rapidly start to drop off for high school students.

While some children will do everything to avoid doing it, at the extreme others will become perfectionists who have to be persuaded to go to bed. Some moms I spoke to had to bribe their children to do less!

Given the cloud of anxiety hovering over them, no wonder some of these children perceive education as stressful .

Pushed to the Brink

While all of us would say we love our children no matter what, unfortunately that’s not the message our kids hear. Instead, children become angry when they feel we are turning them into passive projects. Rather than feel like they are disappointing us, they disconnect. Early signs may be they become uncommunicative after school, stop looking parents in the eye, become secretive or avoidant.

But we need to remember that unhappy, stressed kids don’t learn.

Over the next few years, Lily’s insistence on not doing homework kept getting worse. To try and get to the bottom of it, my husband Anthony and I took her to see educational psychologist who found strong cognitive scores and no signs of learning difficulties.

But what the report did identify was how profoundly Lily’s self-worth had been affected .  Even though I had never once told her she should be top of the class, she still felt she had to be good at everything. If she couldn’t be, she didn’t think there was any point trying at all.

It was clear despite our best efforts to support her, Lily constantly felt criticized . She was becoming defensive and resentful.

Most serious of all, by claiming she couldn’t do her homework – when she could – she was testing if my love for her was conditional on her success.

I had to face up to the painful truth that unless I took immediate action – and killed off my inner Tiger Mom – my child and I were growing apart.

So for the sake of my daughter, I realized I had to change direction and take my foot off the gas .

When her tutor rang to tell me Lily needed a break, I was delighted to agree. Since then, I have let her focus on the subjects that really matter to her – art and music – and have let her decide what direction to take them in.

I also made a deliberate effort to spend time with Lily – just the two of us – so we can simply “be” together. Now instead of trips to the museums and classical concerts, we go for walks in the park and hot chocolates.

The Difficult Journey Back

To help her recognize and dismiss the voice that was bringing her down, I took her to see a Neuro-Linguistic Programming coach who teaches children strategies to untangle the persistent negative thoughts that undermine their self-belief – and replace them with positive ones.

Before we began, Jenny explained that Lily’s issues are not uncommon. As a teacher with 30 years’ experience, Jenny believes the growing pressure on children to perform from an early age is contributing to a general rise in learning anxiety. The youngest child she has helped was six .

It’s children like Lily, who don’t relish a contest, who are among the biggest casualties.

At home, some have been made to feel they are not good enough by parents or are intimidated by more academic sisters and brothers. Some may develop an inferiority complex simply because they are born into high-achieving families.

Once established, failure can also become self-reinforcing. Even when they get good marks, children like Lily still dwell on the pupil who got the higher one to support their negative views of their abilities, making it a self-perpetuating downward spiral.

It’s when children start to see this self-criticism as fact that the negative self-talk can start.

As she sat on the sofa, Jenny asked Lily if she had ever heard a nagging voice in her head that put her down. Lily looked surprised but answered that yes, she had. Asked who it was, my daughter replied: “It’s me, but the mean me.”

Asked to draw this character, Lily depicted an angry, disapproving female figure with her hands on her hips, with a mouth spouting the words “blah, blah, blah.” When asked to name her, Lily thought for a moment before coming up with the name Miss Trunch-Lily, so-called because the figure is half herself – and half the hectoring teacher from Roald Dahl’s Matilda.

Now that Miss Trunch-Lily had been nailed, Jenny and Lily agreed an easy way to deal with her would be to talk back and tell her “Stop it, you meanie” one hundred times.

But that would take a long time, so Lily and Jenny came up with a quicker solution; imagining a canon which would instantly send a shower of 60 candies into her mouth so she couldn’t say another word.

Next time Lily heard her nagging voice, all she had to do was press an imaginary button and her nemesis would be silenced.

In the months that followed, Lily seemed to relax. Gradually the procrastination about homework started to vanish – and Lily was much more likely to open her books after school and quietly get on with her homework.

A Fresh New Start

Instead my husband, my daughters and I went on long walks with our dog. We examined different types of seaweed and examined crabs in rock pools.

Back in the cottage, we sat around and read books that interested us. I let the children play upstairs for hours, not on their phones, but in long elaborate role-plays, without feeling the need to interrupt once.

I would wager that Lily and Clio learnt more about themselves – and what they are capable of – in a single week than in a whole semester at their schools where they hardly get a moment to stop and think.

Of course, for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least.

But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?

After all, a bigger picture is also emerging : a rise in anxiety disorders, depression and self-harm among children who have grown up with this continual pressure – and the emergence of a generation who believe they are losers if they fail, they’ve never done enough if they win.

Even among children who succeed in this environment, educationalists are finding pushy parenting creates a drive towards perfectionism which can turn into self-criticism when these young people can’t live up to such high standards.

I’m happy that in the midst of this arms race to push our kids more and more, there are changes afoot. Around the world, parents and educators are drawing up a blue-print for an alternative.

Whether it’s slow parenting , minimalist parenting , free-range parenting – or the more bluntly named Calm the F*** Down parenting , there is recognition that we need to resist the impulse to constantly push and micro-manage.

As a mother to Lily, as well as my younger daughter, Clio, I’ve decided I don’t want to be a part of all those crushing burdens of expectations. I want to provide a relief from it.

Apart from the fact it makes children happier, it’s also so much more fun.

Now I love the fact that when Lily messes around in the kitchen making cupcakes, I no longer have to fight the urge to tell her to hurry up – and badger her to finish her homework.

Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. If a concept is not understood, I don’t pull my hair out trying to be the teacher and trying to play ‘catch-up’. If Lily, now 12, genuinely does not understand it, I write a note to the member of the staff to explain that it may need further explanation. It’s a simple system and is working perfectly fine for us.

I like it that when she comes home from school, and I ask her, ‘How are you?’ I really mean it.  It’s no longer code for: ‘What marks did you get today, darling?’ and I’m not thinking ‘Hurry up with your answer, so we can get on with your homework.’

Most of all I love the fact that I can finally appreciate Lily for the person she is now: a 12-year-old girl with an acerbic sense of humor who likes Snoopy, play-dates and kittens – and not for the person I once wanted her to be.

The 2-Minute Action Plan for Fine Parents

For our quick contemplation questions today –

• Imagine meeting your child in 20 years times. Ask them to describe their childhood. Do they describe it as magical? Or do they look back on it as a race from one after school activity and homework project to the next?
• Ask yourself what do you want for your children? When you say you want your children to be happy, what has that come to mean to you?  If you really analyze it, has it drifted into being interpreted as professional success and financial acumen? Furthermore, have you come to judge success by a very narrow definition of traditional career achievement and earning power?
• Now check again. If you look around you, what do the happiest people you know have in common? Is it material goods, high-flying jobs and academic qualifications? Or is it emotional balance? If you approach the question another way, are the wealthiest people you know also the most satisfied with life?

The Ongoing Action Plan for Fine Parents

Spend some time sorting through any conflicts related to your kids not doing homework.

To start with, train your children in good habits and place time limits on how long homework should take from the start.

Ask the school how long a child should spend on each subject at night. Then you can help keep those limits in place by telling kids they can’t spend a minute more – or a minute less – than the allotted time.

Find the time of the day after school that works best for your child – either straight after arriving home or after a short break. Agree a start time every day so that the rule turns into a routine and there is less room for resistance and negotiation.

Don’t finish their homework for kids because you are desperate to get it off the evening’s to-do list. That will just mask the problem and get you dragged into a nightly conflict. Help them instead to take responsibility for their homework, while you provide guidance from the sidelines on an on-need basis.

About Tanith Carey

Award-winning parenting writer Tanith Carey is a mother-of-two who writes books which aim to address the most pressing issues for modern families – and how to build strong, resilient kids in today’s challenging world. Her latest book Taming the Tiger Parent: How to put your child's well-being first in a competitive world has been called a big picture book to ‘re-orientate our parenting’, ‘highly readable’ ‘well-researched’ and ‘ beautifully written’ by teachers, parents and professionals. The book has received global coverage from outlets ranging from the NBC Today Show to the New York Post to yahooparenting, the Guardian and dailymail.online. Her seventh book 'Girls Uninterrupted - A manual for raising courageous daughters' - will be published in February 2015.

December 22, 2014 at 9:14 am

This is interesting to me because it doesn’t match our experience at all. We are struggling with my daughter doing homework, but it’s more of an adolescent rebellion/lethargy thing.

My kids attend a Montessori school which generally does not assign homework. What homework they tend to get in the elementary levels is a packet of assorted reading and math that they have an entire week to do at whatever pace works for them. My son’s homework is optional and he always opts out. (He’s very busy at home drawing and playing piano and he’s already reading at a high school level in second grade, so we never worry about academics with him anyway.) But my oldest is in seventh grade and they are trying to transition the kids into what will happen in high school, and my daughter has balked at all the homework.

But we have never approached our kids’ homework as our responsibility. We are always available to help and answer questions, but I explain that I passed whatever grade they are in already, and this is their turn to learn and show what they know. It’s been much harder clamping down on my oldest and making sure she knows what the homework is and has it ready. I explained to her recently that I remember those rebellious feelings, but the only person she’s hurting is herself. She’s limiting her choices later by not doing homework. Her teachers care, but in the end it doesn’t impact them, either. It’s all on her. I also told her the worst case scenario is she ends up at the local high school by default instead of following her friends to better places, but that the local high school is good too, so it’s not the end of the world.

I actually worry when I read about other parents monitoring elements of their kids’ lives so much more closely than I do that I’m not doing enough, but my kids are smart and happy and kind and I think they will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless.

December 22, 2014 at 11:07 am

Thanks so much for sharing that perspective, Korinthia. I love your calm and collected approach to everything parenting, so I’m not entirely surprised with the way you approach home work 🙂 That said, in the circles I hang out, very few parents (if any) would be as calm about this as you are! I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fact that most of us are first generation immigrants and are quite fanatic about education…

Even among our friends, we are a bit of an extreme case. Our daughter goes to a private school. She’s had to do daily homework on weekdays (Mon – Thu) since Kinder. We did have some initial resistance, but it’s mostly a well-established habit now. When she comes home, we take a short break, and then she sits down for homework while I get dinner ready.

Most of the days, it happens without any issues. Some days, she tries to change the rules by wanting to play before homework. I understand her want to do that, but having come from a middle class family in a developing country, my perspective on this is very different. We are where we are, quite literally, due to the discipline we had in regards to education. That discipline is a very powerful thing and like many things the earlier you get it instilled the easier it is. I see it as my job to instill that discipline in my daughter. What she wants to do with it when she grows up is up to her. (In my own case, I’ve shelved a Ph.D to be a stay-at-home mom now and pursue what I really want to do. But that’s been possible only because my degree allowed me to get a high-paying job where I was able to save enough that I don’t have to worry about money for a few years. In those years, if I can find a way to earn a modest income from this site without selling my soul, great. If not, I’ll go back to my old job and repeat the cycle. It’s an amazing freedom to have!)

Anyway, so to me, it boils down to this: this is another case of the intricate balance we parents have to strike — we need to nudge our kids to reach their full potential, but without making it stressful and hopefully in a way that they actually enjoy the process. It’s not easy, and like you I wonder sometimes if I’m making the right choice. And here, I’ll defer to your wise words, because I can’t say it any better — my [daughter is] smart and happy and kind and I think will do fine in the world, so I suppose we will stick with what we are doing. Because all of us are getting some part of it wrong, regardless. 🙂

December 22, 2014 at 3:36 pm

I’m endlessly fascinated with how many ways there are to do things as a family. And it’s always interesting to know what others think of as normal.

I guess for us it comes down to the idea that learning is important, but grades are not. I had a horribly unfair incident in college concerning a grade, and I remember my grandmother smiling and saying, “No one ever asks me what my GPA was.” And it’s true. MIT was threatening to withhold my brother’s Master’s Degree over a deadline on a signature he had nothing to do with, and he just shrugged it off and said, “They can’t take back what I learned.” (They did finally give him his degree, but he really didn’t care.) Grades don’t really mean much. A “B” for one student may be a mark of a lot of effort, and evidence of slacking off for another. I’m more interested in what my kids actually know.

I think that’s why Montessori has been such a good fit for us. They teach to the individual, they don’t give letter grades, and there is no sense of competition, only striving to learn more about the world. We know by comparison to other schools around the city that ours is one of the highest performing, so we feel confident that they are getting a good education, but it’s their education, not mine.

Maybe because I grew up in a family of artists? We were always busy, always making things and learning something new. That’s what I want for my kids. I like that they are never bored, and that they LOVE school. They love it. They pretend not to be sick when they have a cold just so they can go. I guess in my mind that’s what school should be. Someplace to be excited about.

December 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

It is fascinating, isn’t it? I think the way we grow up, and what we have experienced, colors the lens through which we see the world.

I agree with you that at the end of the day, learning, and the love of learning, are more important than everything else.

I think differently about grades though. Grades to me, are a reflection of how well you can apply that learning. Knowledge by itself isn’t enough. You need to be able to apply it in some way – either to earn a living, or help make the world a better place, or whatever. For kids, getting good grades are a way to practice applying/expressing their knowledge… it’s a very narrow and imperfect way to do it, but it’s what we have, nevertheless.

And, I look at absolute grades… not relative ones. In other words, I don’t care how many other kids did better or worse than her in any given test… I’m interested mainly in what she did or didn’t do well.

Just like us, she will sometimes be successful in applying that knowledge. Sometimes, not as much. The question then is, what can I do to help her better retain what she has learnt and apply it more effectively?

Now, if her grades aren’t good because of something outside her control, she is off the hook. If not, we hold her accountable, and work on it together to try and figure out what she can change/improve to do better next time.

So far, this seems to have worked and I haven’t beat the joy of learning out of her, yet 🙂 But, we’re still at the beginning of her learning journey… we’ll have to see what happens as we go along and things get more demanding and more complex…

PS: This is one of the more interesting discussions I’ve had on this blog in a while — Thank you! 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 4:10 am

Thanks for the very considered and calm discussion of this issue that is happening here. This piece is not about Lily so much as it is about how great it can be when we parents discard our baggage and come to our children afresh. My book Taming the Tiger Parent has been called ‘a book to re-orientate’ parenting – and really it is about one thing: Finding empathy and connection with our children without letting the world (which does not always want the best for our kids) to get in the way. Please share so that we get other parents have the confidence to do the same – and enjoy their parenting more..(and that’s just the adults!)

December 23, 2014 at 12:25 pm

Sumitha, I’m probably biased about grades because my own history with them has been so unrepresentative, and I think people place too much stock in them. In my kids’ school they work on preparing a portfolio of all kinds of work rather than relying on letter grades, and that works better for us. But as far as using grades simply as a barometer of whether a child is taking care of responsibilities that seems completely reasonable.

That’s one of the discussions I’m continually having with my daughter at the moment, that she needs to provide evidence for her teachers that she’s done the work. She feels the magic of a book, for instance, is marred by her picking it apart for an analysis. She’ll read the book, and she’s a good writer, but she resents the type of work assigned about it and sometimes won’t do it. (I used to do the same thing, so I get it.) I tell her she just has to pick her consequence. She can either suck it up and do the work, challenge the work by coming up with a different assignment that maybe meets the same criteria the teachers are interested in, or not do it. The first two improve her report card, and the third hurts it. The report card is a means to more choices about her future. (As her mom, I’m actually just happy she read and loved the book.)

In the end, I’m not worried. For her, bad grades at a good school are probably worth more than good grades at a bad school, and she will still have more choices than the average child. Wherever she ends up she will make it work, but that’s up to her.

I acknowledge we are in a privileged position, because she’s got enough talent and charm and resources and family that she will not starve, she will not be homeless, regardless of grades. I think the real key to success is figuring out your passion if you can, so you know what you’re working toward. As soon as she figures that out I’m convinced she has the skills and discipline to build a good life for herself. I did. (And my report cards would have given you a panic attack!)

December 23, 2014 at 9:24 pm

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

Good luck convincing your daughter to pick one of the first two consequences. But it is clear that even if she picks the third you’ll take it in your stride — which is what I find so admirable about you 🙂

December 25, 2014 at 8:11 am

Such an interesting discussion, thank you!

One more piece to toss in there if you have time for it: http://www.thestrad.com/cpt-latests/bribery-used-motivation-practice/

I know it’s an article about practicing music, but it’s the same idea about grades as a reward, and how that backfires.

I think for me it’s not that grades are not important, it’s that they should reflect something real. If my kids are learning and working hard, the grades will follow. But their focus should always be on their education, not their grades.

December 25, 2014 at 5:04 pm

That is particularly true in music where racing from one music grade to the next, as kids do here, can destroy enjoyment of music for its own sake – and that is a very sad. It just becomes about teaching to the test. In my view children should have music as another language – and another outlet for emotion, not just as a way to build CVs

December 25, 2014 at 11:04 pm

Well said. Couldn’t agree more.

December 26, 2014 at 8:37 am

@Korinthia, sorry for the late reply — busy with the holidays.

Love that article you pointed to. Some time back, I came across several articles by Alfie Kohn and got very confused about this whole rewards thingie. At that point I was just starting to move away from threats, punishment and screaming, and thought I was doing good by using rewards and positive reinforcement instead, and Kohn’s articles turned that notion on it’s head.

Things eventually started to fall in place when I read the “Power of Habits” by Charles Duhigg.

My very unsubstantiated, unproven, non-scientific conclusion (which I wrote about here ) is based on this observation mentioned in that article — Kohn and his colleagues would admit that rewards, bribes and praise do indeed work in the short term — and Chales Duhigg’s observations that once a habit is formed, you can remove the reward completely from the habit loop and the habit will continue.

So in my opinion, if you use rewards as a way to establish a habit and not as the end result, they still have a place.

In the case of grades for instance, grades are a way to get into a consistent study habit which is — pay attention in class, learn what the teacher is teaching, review at home if necessary, let’s talk about it as much as you want or you can look things up in books/Net, apply in a test. At 1st grade it’s very hard to make learning *all* subjects fun, but a habit like this will apply to all subjects universally. Grades are a great way to get that habit started initially — they are tangible and there is recognition. As we go on, we focus the message on the learning — for instance, like me, grammar was not my daughters favorite subject. By looking at the test results and saying “Hey, you did well in your grammar test. You’re learning a lot for a first grader! What is this you’ve done here? Diagramming? We never did that in India. Will you teach me how to diagram a sentence?” implicitly acknowledges the grade on that test, but the grade isn’t the focus. When she draws on her white board and teaches me how to diagram a sentence, there is pride and joy in her and now she is a lot more interested in grammar.

I am not a music person (I know, sorry :)) but I would think that using a reward to get a child to practice until the child’s first performance isn’t a bad idea. Once the child performs in front of an audience, and enjoys that sense of accomplishment, the practice habit will likely carry through, even if you remove whatever temporary reward you used. If the child has an inclination towards music, they will learn to enjoy the practicing part of it too as they go along — it’s just a matter of getting them to do it for long enough to recognize that.

December 26, 2014 at 8:54 am

@Korinthia, I’m still thinking about it 🙂

The latest discussion reminded me about the marble jar experiment you shared on your blog some time back ( here ). At first your kids may have done the chores to earn those marbles to get the screen time or other things (rewards). But once the system (habit) was established, the marbles (or the things they could buy) is not necessarily a motivator to do the chores… it is “just how things are done” — a simple habit/system that removes the need for verbal negotiation, arguing, reminders, cajoling, power struggles etc from the picture and hence makes what needs to be done tolerable/fun for everyone involved.

December 27, 2014 at 3:48 am

To be honest on music, I think you also know your child is playing the right instrument when they do want to practice. I know that sounds idealistic but they will be much drawn towards that instrument if it’s the one that lights their ‘spark.’ Lily and Clio both do play the violin to a very high level – but as I explain in my book, that doesn’t mean I have had been to be an Amy Chau tiger parent to get to them point. Also music has become a way of life in our house, and they play music together, which helps.

January 2, 2015 at 9:19 am

(Sorry to keep this discussion dragging on forever, but it’s the kind of thing I really enjoy!)

Sumitha, I agree about using some rewards for forming habits. When my kids first started violin we got into a routine of combining practice with dessert. We don’t often have dessert, but to get them in a habit of practicing after dinner they would get marshmallows for each little thing they played. Then just at the end of the practicing. Then not at all and they didn’t notice. They were four and six at the time and that helped because it was easier to catch their attention with marshmallows than with some abstract sense of musical improvement, which on violin is painfully slow.

The hardest part about teaching beginning violin is to keep students essentially distracted from the fact that they don’t sound like anything for a long, long time, while they put in the necessary work that will improve how they sound. I used to use small stickers with my students to mark when songs were done, but it wasn’t much of a reward. My kids’ violin teacher uses toys and candy as incentives week to week, and I can see how it backfires. It takes the focus off the work and onto the treat, and not getting the treat feels like punishment. My son’s piano teacher doesn’t even use stickers–just checks things off so he knows not to keep working on them, and that’s working much better, but there is a lot more instant gratification to piano than there is to violin.

In terms of grades, we just view them differently. They tell such an incomplete story that they don’t interest me much. You know a little something if a kid gets all good grades vs. all bad grades, but beyond that, nothing useful. When I was in 7th grade I had a notoriously sexist shop teacher who would NOT give a girl an A in mechanical drawing. I know my first drawing in that class was better than the boy’s sitting next to me, but he got all A’s. I complained to my mom who told me when she was in college absolutely no woman could get an A in her advertising class, and she was far and away the best artist there. (Also, some agencies flat out did not hire women, which still blows my mind.) I got alternating A’s and failing grades in reading in 6th grade based purely on whether I handed in the assignments. The quality of the writing didn’t matter to the teacher. Would you rather hire a writer who writes well, or one who writes poorly but always meets deadlines? Depends on the need.

When I think about grades I always think about the valedictorian from my brothers’ high school class. One of my brothers spent his senior year at USC. He was second in his class because he got a B in one of those college courses. Number one? A girl who spent all of her high school experience striving for perfect grades. Her brother was the valedictorian of my class, and she felt she had to match that. It was expected. So she took courses purely based on what she could get an A in. She did not risk taking physics, or calculus. She avoided English and History classes taught by the more challenging teachers. She wasted her chance at an interesting education so she could say she was valedictorian. For myself as a parent, that would not make me proud at all. If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal. It’s all relative, and again, every family is different.

Tanith, I agree that kids have to play an instrument that speaks to them. I wish more parents knew that. I had a sample lesson once with a really hostile boy who had a ton of talent and ability, and his mom was making him play. I asked him what he would rather do, and he wanted to play guitar. I told his mom I thought he should switch (or even just add it) because violin brought him no joy. At it’s core, music should be about joy. His mom had a sense of “violin is better” and it was a status thing for her. She was shocked I suggest he be allowed to play guitar and said, “You think guitar is okay?” I told her there was nothing wrong with guitar, and if he liked what he was playing he would do better and enjoy it more. Glad your children like playing violin! One of my projects for the new year is to start building a full size one for my oldest and have her help. (Not many kids get to play a violin they literally had a hand in making, so that should be fun!)

January 2, 2015 at 11:02 am

I love this discussion, too Korinthia! Thank you so much for it. Both writing about it, and reading your’s and Tanith’s points of view has been great for me for sorting through what I want/stand for, in terms of grades, homework etc. for my daughter. With our choice to send her to a private school, these are a part of our everyday life and being more clear about it sure helps!

Your words “If as a family we were disadvantaged and that status would provide important opportunities my child wouldn’t otherwise get, then sure, that would be a worthy (if distorted) goal.” — this describes my life quite literally. While I can see your perspective on grades and it makes a ton of sense, it is hard for me to actually be that cool about it, simply because I am where I am because of the grades, degrees etc (I had written a guest post a while ago that may provide some background here – on money and happiness ). Even though grades/degrees haven’t brought anything of real substance to my life, they nevertheless are the tickets that opened a lot of doors for us and so I simply can’t bring myself to totally break free from them — but I am happy that through these discussions, I am broadening my perspective a bit and hopefully my daughter will benefit from it!

About music, most Asian kids end up in piano classes by default, but my daughter didn’t quite show any interest in a play keyboard she had as a kid which I took as an indication that it’s not her “thing”. I’ve talked to her a couple of times about guitar classes — while she shows interest in it for the novelty of it, she didn’t pounce on it like when I mentioned art class. A lot of my friends argue that kids can doodle and paint at home and there’s no need to spend on classes, and that money is better spent on music so we can introduce something ‘new’ to our kids. I see that point, but I am a believer of the 10,000 hour rule and if she loves art, and doodling, I’d rather pay for her to just take classes in that and hone that craft. Again, no idea if that is a good choice or if it will come back to bite me in the future… we’ll see 🙂

December 23, 2014 at 6:54 am

I really like what you have to say. It converges well with what I have said in my book, The Homework Trap: How to Save the Sanity of Parents, Students and Teachers.

December 23, 2014 at 8:41 am

Thanks for sharing that, Dr. Goldberg. Sounds like an interesting book. I will try to grab a copy of it.

December 24, 2014 at 3:51 am

Thanks Dr Goldberg. I will be definitely checking out your book and sharing it. I think it’s so important that writers in this area band together so others can see there there’s a strong movement forming, questioning where the current educational ethos is leading us.

November 20, 2019 at 7:28 pm

January 2, 2018 at 10:44 am

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October 17, 2018 at 1:18 pm

So what was the title of this BOOK I didn’t read !?!? Guess I overlooked it !!! Just look for a few good pointers not a book to read !!!

May 15, 2020 at 9:36 pm

Thank you SO much for these words….

December 22, 2014 at 10:12 am

Ooh Tanith, excellent article, thank you for sharing this with Sumitha and the rest of us. It was more than I expected. At first I thought, “Well, my kid doesn’t really have issues too much with homework . . . but I’ll look it over.” Very glad I did, it’s much more than homework!

Yes, the delays and distractions, that’s what I have here with my 9 year old. Despite our questions to the school, we never got a complete answer as to how kids were “sorted” each year into what class. Turns out they did it by testing scores and not the “mix-up” of kids to juggle things up from year to year as I was originally told years ago. Of course this created a bit of hurt pride and friction about the subject with my husband and I towards the school as we of course thought our child should be in with the other kids. Even now, with a friend’s child being in the other class, there is a pressure for our own child to do better, push harder, get into that class. Luckily my husband is more level-headed about it than me and this article gave me a good wake-up call. The amount of work they had was more than her class and gave me some concern as to whether she was learning enough. Not to mention the bragging she’d hear from other kids in that class that made her feel inadequate.

Not every child is going to be the next Einstein and we know our daughter is a smart girl but has a stronger pull, like your Lily, toward art and other subjects. We have to enhance their skills and passions and not just push, push, push for the grades and I feel I was like you as well, nervous with the report card. I was proud of her but wanted her to do better but my husband would say, she’s done well, you can’t compare her to so and so and I couldn’t and shouldn’t have. It hit home quickly last year when at the end of the school year, she had two awards and was so happy and I saw a few grades and felt a bit disappointed. I could see it took the wind out of her little sails and I told myself to get my act together and stop it. There was the summer project already spread out on the last day of school, which is a bit discouraging as not all schools do it and it’s a yearly thing for us but we took it in stride.

It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others, it seems to us, do the opposite and just push themselves to the point that they even feel that’s what matters most and I feel sorry for them. I wonder if that bragging isn’t covering up insecurities or worries.

I was worried about her starting to read as a preschooler when I found out one of the teacher’s kids was particularly gifted and rolling along at a very fast rate. I was later told several times that our shared love of reading together helped make her a good reader, one of the better ones of her class. When I took the pressure off of making her read, when often she didn’t feel like it, other than sitting with me while I read, it was more enjoyable and her reading progressed along just fine. Last year it was math that was the issue and now she’s doing very well in math but her language/vocabulary aren’t what they were. A cycle of some kind, who knows but we work on what needs tending to and I try not to push her to where she feels there is nothing else. She still needs that down time, that play time, enough sleep for certain and a chance to be a kid still, she is one, after all.

We have an allotted time for homework and I contact her teacher if something is a problem. I don’t help her like I used to but guide her and she takes pride in her work and getting her corrections done in school with the teacher.

Parenting is an everyday learning course. Obviously this article hit home, thank you. I look forward to more of your work Tanith and thank you as always Sumitha. A blessed holiday season to you both and a break that’s filled with fun and not work!

December 22, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Thank you so much for sharing that, Bernadette. There’s nothing like listening to stories from other parents and finding that common thread to feel normal again 🙂

We have the opposite combination in our house – my husband’s really fanatic about how my daughter does in school, while I am a little more level-headed.

I think the biggest eye opener for me were these words from Tanith – “for the child born with a go-getting personality, teaming up with turbo-charged parents can be a winning combination – to start with at least. But as adults, we have to start asking – how high we can raise the bar before it’s too high for our children to jump?” Our daughter has a very competitive streak, and at first it did look like my husband pushing her to be the best was really a good combination. But then she messed up one test and the fall out was beyond ridiculous. I couldn’t believe my husband’s (over) reaction or that overnight, my daughter was turning into a liar right before our very eyes. Where she thrived on competition before, she started to make excuses and make up stories. I had to put my foot down and set some explicit house rules about what is acceptable and what is not, on both their parts. It took a while but we have a working system now. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hoping that we can nourish her strong natural tendency to try to be the best and the joy she gets from accomplishing things, without letting it take over or be the only thing! Like Korinthia said above, it is almost guaranteed that we won’t get it all right all the time… the key is to do the best we can, and like you said, keep on learning!

December 23, 2014 at 4:17 am

Dear Bernadette. I think you hit on a very interesting point here. “It also made me wonder about kids that are pushed, some take it out in frustrations and others.” I have been exploring this point because I believe that one of the unacknowledged knock-on effects of competitive parenting is sibling rows and tension. The children don’t just compete to win in the outside world – they do it at home too, leading to many more squabbles and less happy home. My girls Lily and Clio, for example, have never got on better – they collaborate and help each other with music, homework etc Yet I hear other parents proudly trumpet how they have children dead set on beating each other as if they was making them excel further. Instead is sets up a template that I believe can ruin sibling relationships into adulthood Another reason to take the foot of the gas….

December 22, 2014 at 11:24 pm

Really liked the article. Parenting is like walking on a razor’s edge and very rightly said, ‘all of us are getting parts of it wrong’…. Regardless :)..

Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be!

December 23, 2014 at 4:18 am

Thanks Anshu. Please share if you can to give other parents the confidence to take their foot off the gas!

December 23, 2014 at 8:42 am

Thanks Dr. Anshu. Stay happy, keep the kid happy and let them be! — that’s a great mantra to live by 🙂

February 8, 2016 at 7:38 pm

This could not polbsisy have been more helpful!

February 21, 2016 at 6:54 pm

Great. I am so pleased you found it constructive.

February 21, 2016 at 6:47 pm

Encourage him to express his opinion, talk about his feelings, and make choices. Show enthusiasm for your child’s interests and encourage her to explore subjects that fascinate her. Provide him with play opportunities that support different kinds of learning styles — from listening and visual learning to sorting and sequencing. Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores. Thanks!

February 21, 2016 at 6:53 pm

‘Ask about what he’s learning in school, not about his grades or test scores.’ Exactly

February 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

Hi Tanith Carey,

I agree with you because it can be hurt child mind. Rest other motivation way very good from Evelyn W. Minnick. Also, I have written a blog for helping kids and it’s related to this article. “Best Ways to Get Your Kids to Do Homework Without All the Drama” To read this article visit at http://universityhomeworkhelp.com/best-ways-to-get-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-all-the-drama/

I hope my answer will help more readers of this article.

Thanks Nancie L Beckett

February 25, 2016 at 5:05 pm

This is a great article with lots of quality information about handling homework with kids. I’m a Tutor, you don’t believe “My kid Refuses to Do Homework Assignment.” After lots of research I got a solution, but it takes time. So I’m sharing with you.

Here’s How to Stop the Struggle:-

1. Try to stay calm 2. Set clear expectation around homework time and responsibilities. 3. Play the parental role most useful to your child. 4. Keep activities similar with all your kids. 5. Start early and Offer empathy and support. 6. Use positive reinforcement and incentives.

I used those. Meanwhile, I have written a blog about “How to Make Studying Less Stressful and More Fun?” visit at https://www.24x7homeworkhelp.com/blog/how-to-make-studies-less-stressful-and-more-fun/

Let me know if you have questions

Thanks Arlene B. Morgan

April 14, 2016 at 9:52 am

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August 2, 2016 at 3:46 am

The reality is that every kid is different and what works for one child may not work for another, even with kids in the same family. When our children were small, our goal was to make the actual work process and homework help as pleasant as possible. This was most commonly accomplished by placing a fuzzy, lazy cat on the lap of the student. Very few children (or adults for that matter) will rise from their chairs when there’s a cat sleeping on their lap. The cat also provides company without interfering with the actual thinking process.

September 21, 2016 at 2:47 pm

Very helpful information, my son who is 7 is not the biggest fan of homework. It does depend on the evening and last night was a doozy! He usually has Math every second day which is a review sheet from what they did in class. He acts out, lack of focus, complains that he is tired etc.

Last school year after Spring Break I had finally had enough, and decided homework would get done on my terms, I wanted my happy go lucky son back, so some nights we did not do homework, knowing that on nights that we did there would be more. That seemed to work.

This year my husband and I are working harder with our son, as he struggles with reading and writing. He is in Grade 2, but not at a Grade 2 level, we have support from his teacher, but last night when he was kicking up a fuss about Math, which he does well with I wondered if the subject he struggles with is the cause of the fuss. He even refused to read last night.

We know he feels like we are always working on learning, and we feel the same, but at the same time want to do what we can to support his learning development. I feel helpless at times, as I know he is aware that he struggles, especially when he says things like “I can’t read Mommy”. I try and keep it positive and that there are things that everyone struggles with, and we have to practice to get better.

I am always searching different ways to aid with his learning that will keep him engaged.

I know I rambled….

March 31, 2017 at 10:41 am

>>Of course, not doing homework is not an option – but these days in our house the aim is to do it as quickly and efficiently as possible. Well, I have to disagree with you, kids in Finland do not do homework and their schools simply gave up giving their students homeworks and nothing happened, Finland is still on first levels of education ladders. So it’s optional for everyone , however if it is not optional for you child you can always ask other people for math homework help or chemistry homework help.

April 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

This article was helpful. While I don’t push my kid to be perfect or ask how other kids did compared to her I constantly get push back from my child with anything she doesn’t want to do. It can be very frustrating. She doesn’t like my input on solving problems at all so I have to just back off or deal with her covering her ears and tuning me out.

She fortunately listens to her teacher, but if she gets tired of something, she loves to tune people out. She is 7 now and has been this way since she was about 4. Example, she got tired of listening to her swim instructor at age 4 and would submerge herself under water so she didn’t have to listen. She is a CHALLENGE and if you give her the option to slack off with work she will do it. Not quite sure how to even go about it. She could care less if she got no credit for missing work. To her, it’s no consequence so it’s been difficult to figure out a workaround with her. She isn’t a spoiled child and if you took the few things she does have away from her, she is fine with that. I don’t like threatening to take things away though. I feel it solves nothing. Challenging!

November 4, 2017 at 9:59 am

Any advice for people who aren’t wealthy? The amount of time and money required for your solutions are absolutely not available to the vast majority of Americans. Neuro linguistic training and private schools? Impossible for all but a few. Most of us are *not* in some insane competition with other parents to push our kids into Harvard by starting waiting lists for preschool. Most of us just want our kids to be able to take care of themselves someday and be successful enough to be happy. Not doing homework is a problem for most kids, rich or poor, competitive or not, regardless of personality, regardless of parenting. This advice is about your child at all. It’s about what you did to your child and then had to undo. Not all kids have been conditioned to internalize the overbearing voice of their type A parents. Some just don’t want to do homework.

November 6, 2017 at 2:42 am

Thank you for this article. Wow, I relate so much to this article. I struggle with my 11 yr old to do homework. She’s exactly like Lily, a soon as she starts doing homework she calls for my help that she doesn’t understand. She’s very bright and learns right away, but I do see she’s stressing. She feels that she’s too slow and takes to long to finish her homework. I know is me without realizing I am pressuring her too much. I must change.

I’m going to change our schedule. I just realized that I didn’t make enough quality time. I need to change that and not pressure my princess about homework.

Thank you so much.

December 23, 2017 at 11:14 pm

Hi folks! My son is older, in 10th grade, and thus it is a very delicate time. That said, up until recently, he was working hard but generally doing well in Honors classes, AP Biology, and AP US History. He is also in band and very intererested in Congressional Debate in Forensics Club. He’s developed a forceful personality, and pursues his goals fearlessly.

Then, it seems a single English research paper broke the camel’s back. It was a walk-thru project: Do basic step A, use A to do 3 days of research in the library, identify a list of relevant quotes, analyze the quotes, develop a rough draft, etc. During the first stages, he always had a reason why it wasn’t done. The grading structure required every step to be completed before the next step started. So, he sat. Supposedly, he had a paper step written in Google Docs…but now he doesn’t remember the “dashed off” name (“stuff2958749.doc”, for example) so he considers that..and the previous steps useless. Why do I need to do this stuff, when I can just write the paper? Why?

My wife is an experienced special educator, and the teacher is engaged and working with us to give our son more options. Still, he pushes back. We’ve done so far as to negotiate him just working on the rough draft, and accepting the zeros on the skipped stages. Somehow, that devolved into him retreating into his room, slamming his door. He has proposed that the teacher “simply” nullify the assignment without a set of grades. If we accept this multiple zero, it will possibly wreck his entire class, possibly causing him to fail 10th grade English. In NJ, that means you don’t move forward to 11th grade.

I’ve had a couple of long discussions with him, away from his mother. He mentions a desire for a more intense structure. He references his stay at an advanced debate camp, where he engaged with other students…who were attending very expensive private schools. “One you see the outside world, you can never be satisfied with being trapped indoors”…he has restated this concept in multiple ways. These schools are beyond our reach financially, and in any case, they aren’t an option in the middle of a school year. And it is unlikely that he’d be accepted, if he wrecks his class grades.

Part of this scenario seems to be a desire to force us to engage with him, in an attempt to work around the school structure. He does have an IEP and 504, which in middle school once allowed him to work independently. Somehow, he thinks that is an option in 10th grade honors English.

Engaging is a real challenge. He’s confident in his ability to argue, and is fully willing to ignore our facts and predictions of fallout. He even discredits his mother’s deep educational knowledge and experience, and then criticizes my perceived lack of business success as ad hominem attacks. (I’m doing fine, but it forces me to defend, and thus is successful distraction.) So far, laying out consequences has been entirely ineffectual. He requires an answer to his “Why?”, but disregards the answers as inadequate. He demands an academic answer to why the teaching technique (the walk-thru research paper) is required or effectual, then derides it as “not a real answer”.

It ends up with a closed door.

The teacher is running out of patience, and we’re running out of ideas. I don’t think the teacher is even allowed to give more that she’s allowing, and might be bending the rules as-is. Our son spent 2 hours with counselors….not guidance counselors…counselors…giving them the same run-around. I think they (2 of them at the same time) gave their best, but they fell back to asking what he wanted: more time maybe?

I’ve read other sources. I see that a full-on psych eval was recommended. At this point, I’m fine with that if it helps. I suspect we’d need to get our son to buy into it. But would that still result in his English grade cratering? Are we risking a cascade failure into other classes?

It’s a very delicate time, and this scenario is not an easy one. I’d like to have simple, pat answer: he’s looking for attention; he’s stressed out over the sheer amount of work; he’s frustrated at the forced slowness of the curriculum; the class is group and can’t move at an accelerated speed (ans: it’s Honors.). But I’m guessing it’s more complex that 1 root-cause.

Given this, I’d not mind some considered advice. Thanks!

May 28, 2018 at 9:19 pm

O my, I do get this. My son pushes back a lot these days, partly the teen and hormones? Right now we are working with setting boundaries, coping with meltdowns and spending time each day bonding over something other than work. It’s horrible to have to walk on eggshells and think you cannot just talk to your kid and resolve something…so simple. My heart goes out to you. A lot of listening is required, and prayers. And in the end, we let him slow things down by an entire year. Take care!

March 17, 2018 at 3:48 pm

Oh my land, thank you for this. I found it today when my kid dissolved into tears after she dragged her homework on for 4 hours on a Saturday, while I nagged her and then snapped at her.

I left the room, googled “child won’t do homework”, found this and read it, went back into the room, hugged her and asked her if trying to make her homework perfect was slowing her down. She said yes, then we talked about that, and her inner critic, and what she could do about that awful little critical voice in her head.

Amazing – thank you.

May 28, 2018 at 5:06 pm

Just found your comment. So pleased it helped.

July 13, 2018 at 8:57 am

I think that if the child does not want to do homework, then everything is fine. I still do not know a single child who would like to do homework. I read the article that homework kills creativity, and I quite agree with that. After all, the child instead of spending time for something really interesting, should do boring homework. When I have a son, I will allow him not to do homework, but in exchange I will tell him that he must be interested in something that really will benefit him in development. Thank you for this article!

October 31, 2018 at 1:07 am

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November 12, 2018 at 3:23 am

I am brother of a 12 year old boy studying in seventh grade.I find him not getting interested in studying or doing homework after coming home from school.He is worried more about video games and TV.He get to do his home works only after continuous pressure from parents.He is very attentive,obedient and performs well in school.But at home , he says he need to rest from studies. I hope this tips will help him to get more involved in studies!

December 7, 2018 at 3:16 pm

The issue is process vs. results. By letting your daughter skimp on her homework, she’s going to pick up bad habits … such as doing what she wants to do instead of taking care of her responsibilities. We teach “Work hard, then play hard” in our home. Our goals are process-oriented, like show up for class and turn in your homework, rather than results-oriented, like why don’t you have an A in this class. By teaching our children to work, even when they don’t feel like it sometimes, they can build a foundation of responsibility that will “result” in a more successful, well-rounded experience. Some kids may be different … they may be given all the freedom you are preaching turn that into tremendous happiness. But I’ll build my foundation on discipline, and my children will earn their self-worth by taking care of their responsibilities … not throwing a fit until an authority finally gives in.

April 18, 2019 at 6:22 am

This is good

April 25, 2019 at 3:11 am

Thank you for sharing this article, you are very interesting to write, your blog is really interesting to read!

June 24, 2019 at 6:44 pm

This is really good and helpful. Thanks for sharing this article. 🙏

August 10, 2019 at 1:57 am

I think that the real reasons why the child does not do their homework can be very many of them all of their parents will never know. The main thing is to be able to find a common language in your child!

October 16, 2019 at 6:37 am

I have to agree with you and your daughter about the book reports — we did our first one a few weeks back, and it was decidedly much more unpleasant compared to just reading and enjoying the book!

October 20, 2019 at 1:04 pm

Children do not do their homework because they watch a lot of TV shows and play on the phone.

October 23, 2019 at 3:35 am

All parents want their children to be successful, successful and happy. Schooling is one of the important components of a child’s life. The school will be the main part of its reality for 8-10 years. Therefore, the baby needs to help adapt, feel comfortable and learn how to succeed

February 22, 2020 at 1:00 pm

nice tips, I hope it will help

February 22, 2020 at 11:50 pm

April 8, 2020 at 3:15 am

Anaerobic exercise, on the other hand, is where that max effort comes into play. It’s another form of cardio in which you should only be able to sustain activity for about 30 seconds before you need a break. It should feel pretty difficult for you to catch your breath while you’re doing this type of training (anaerobic meaning “the absence of oxygen”). Explosive exercises like plyometrics, sprinting, and even heavy weightlifting are all examples of anaerobic exercise. “The body uses phosphocreatine and carbohydrates as fuel [for anaerobic exercise] because they can be broken down rapidly,” Olson explains. “Fats take too long to break down as an energy source.”

May 5, 2020 at 2:53 am

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Hi, there! Great article! I heard that web design is now one of the most sought-after professions and if your children do not know who they would like to work, then go to the site and they will see how great this profession is!

October 24, 2020 at 6:16 am

Nice post! I’ve been looking for a site like https://afineparent.com/ , with a lot of useful information about children! thank you for your work, I’m going to read your articles

November 7, 2020 at 12:07 pm

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January 29, 2021 at 6:04 am

wow, cool good meterial

February 25, 2021 at 6:06 am

Thank you for the article. This is a really powerful method. I don’t know what I would do without him. Homework and children are created in different universes, I think. Thank you for the blog, I will follow you.

December 27, 2023 at 6:12 am

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt journey. It resonates with many parents striving to find the right balance between academic expectations and their child’s happiness. How do you navigate the delicate task of encouraging achievement without overwhelming your child? #ParentingInsights

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Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

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Letter of Recommendation

Why I Love Doing Homework (Even If My Kids Hate It)

It’s an opportunity to walk alongside them as they commit to the work of learning.

By Saul Austerlitz

My kids call me the homework villain.

Every school-day afternoon, my two sons — the older is entering sixth grade, the younger second grade — return home and gather snacks before beginning the day’s homework tussle. They are tired and ready to play video games or to watch incomprehensible YouTube videos about video games. I ignore all complaints, offer up my trademark cackle and direct them to the index cards on our fridge listing the day’s homework: reading, math, writing and even — when I am feeling particularly villainous — Hebrew reading.

For 30 to 60 minutes every weekday, I dash among rooms in our apartment, adjudicating disputes, answering questions, trying and failing to find creative ways to say the same thing (“Sound it out!” “Check your work!”) for the ten-thousandth time. I try to patiently listen to my younger son read, for the 50th time, the same book about a trickster dad and his gardening shenanigans. Then I scuttle off to talk my older son through the steps for a tricky math word problem about dividing up shipments of pencils or deliveries of doughnuts. It is, without question, the most hectic hour of my day. I am some combination of substitute teacher, coach, drill sergeant and motivational speaker, cajoling, pleading and bargaining to get through another round of homework. Some days, the process is utterly lacking in drama; other days, I emerge feeling exhausted, as if I’ve performed my life’s most demanding labor.

I am thankful to be granted the opportunity to walk alongside my kids as they commit to the work of learning.

Homework has fallen out of favor with a new generation of parents and teachers. It is drudgery, they say, rote work that unnecessarily burdens children. These are fair criticisms, and I suspect that my kids might agree with them all.

But here’s the thing: I love homework. It provides me with a means to discover just what my children are spending their days learning, how that learning is progressing and how I might help. Each Monday evening this past school year, my older son and I would drag out our battered Hebrew-English dictionary, look up words from his Hebrew-language book about the life of Charles Darwin and record definitions on a notepad (how do you say “fossil” in Hebrew?). The effort was often draining, but as the year progressed, it was easy to see how much more confident my older son — and I, for that matter — had become when facing a page of Hebrew.

Like bird-watching or gardening, overseeing homework is a specialized and abstruse hobby.

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My Child Hates Homework! What to do…

When the kids get home from school, the last thing on their minds is more schoolwork . However, most teachers assign homework in order to reinforce what they’ve learned in the classroom and to perfect their skills. If your child actually looks forward to doing their homework, you are one lucky parent! For the majority though, it’s a chore to get your child to do their homework when they’d rather be playing with friends or vegging out in front of the TV. If your child hates homework, you are not alone, but there are ways to get him to get it done with a smile. Here are some tips to make homework time happy time.

Offer a Snack

Most kids come home from school with a grumbly tummy, so make snack and homework time a simultaneous activity. Prepare a tasty snack that’s easy to pop in the mouth like frozen grapes, mini cookies or crackers, or trail mix. Make sure it’s nothing that can drip onto his papers creating a sticky mess. While noshing, your child will better concentrate on his work and will be more willing to stick with the homework through completion. He won’t be distracted by hunger pangs, and once the snack and work are completed, he can go out and play or relax in his room.

Do it With Him

If you sit with your child as he does his work, he may feel more confident and comforted that he can get it done. Allow him to show you his work as he completes each task, and offer help when he’s in a bind. Even if you sit nearby and read a book or work on your own project, he will feel a sense of togetherness and partnership. Sitting alone doing work can seem boring, so your presence will get him through it. Do this right after school so it’s not a struggle to get him back into school mode to sit and do the homework.

Give Him a Break

Alternatively, some kids fare better when they can have a short time to blow off some steam and play for a half hour before diving into their homework. Set a timer and once that buzzer goes off, it’s homework time. He will feel more relaxed and ready to get back to work once he’s had a little fun. Have a cold drink ready and lay out his books so everything’s ready to go. Once he’s done, he can get back to playing or relaxing. The short break will be appreciated and give him a newfound burst of energy to finish his day’s work.

Does your kid hate homework? How do you get him or her to get it done without a battle? We’d love to share your tips with the AMC community.

For more information like this, please visit All My Children Daycare’s blogs .

By: Melissa A. Kay

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FindYourMomTribe » Parenting

20 Things to Try if Your Kid Hates Homeschooling

By Author Ivana Davies

Posted on Last updated: August 26, 2021

“But I don’t wanna do homeschool!”

Yep. I feel you, mama. I’ve heard it more times than I can count. I know what it’s like to have a child push back when it’s time to get to work.

If you’re reading this article, you might have:

• A reluctant learner
• A child who hates doing homework
• A child who hates homeschooling

Or, a child who refuses to do their school work

We started homeschooling four years ago with my daughter when she was in kindergarten.

My oldest daughter is a very “go with the flow” type of kid. She loves learning and has no problem (for the most part) sitting down to do her assignments.

This year, we started homeschooling my son. He just turned six and he also loves learning…but…he dreaded doing homeschool.

I’ve had to get really creative to help motivate him to happily complete his assignments.

Now he’s thriving and has learned SO much more. While we do have our tears some days, most of the time homeschool is no longer a battle.

So I’m spilling my secrets and giving you…

20 ideas for how to help your child who hates homeschooling

1. use a rewards system.

• Includes (36) charts and (700) stickers per pack
• These Eureka student reward charts and stickers feature all your pup pals from 101 Dalmatians!
• Teachers can track their students progress in a way thats easy and fun for them to understand!
• Children can set goals and take responsibility in a fun way.

Prices pulled from the Amazon Product Advertising API on:

Product prices and availability are accurate as of the date/time indicated and are subject to change. Any price and availability information displayed on [relevant Amazon Site(s), as applicable] at the time of purchase will apply to the purchase of this product.

I know rewards can be a controversial subject, but for us, it works.

We have a sticker chart hanging on the wall.

For every day that my son completes his work happily, he gets a sticker that he can exchange for small prizes.

2. Incorporate toys

• 3 packs of themed Disney/Pixar Cars 3 micro mini metal vehicles
• Includes an exclusive car
• Iconic details and wheels that roll for authentic action
• The full assortment makes a unique collection and dynamic display
• Collect them all! Each 3-pack sold separately, subject to availability

What’s your child’s favorite toy? My son loves Cars 3 right now.

So, Lightning McQueen, Mater, Jackson Storm, and a bunch of other characters often drop by to “watch” him do his homeschool work.

We also use cars to do simple math problems in the place of counting bears.

3. Incorporate food

I’ll often say to my son, “Are you hungry? Let’s have a snack together before we start!”

He loves food, so he’s always up for a snack! We also use cereal to solve math problems!

4. Practice writing on things other than paper

• Big magnetic drawing screen
• Easy-slide eraser magically cleans screen
• Includes 4 shape stampers - square, triangle, circle and star
• Pen and stampers store securely on the Doodle Pro Slim
• Durable frame with easy-carry handle

My son doesn’t love working on his handwriting in a workbook or on lined paper.

But, he does love writing and drawing on a dry erase board and on a Magna Doodle!

You can also practice writing words and letters in shaving cream or in a tray of sprinkles!

5. Easy, Hard, Easy

Initially, I thought it’d be best to do the hard stuff first to get it out of the way. However, that isn’t always the best for every child.

Starting with a “fun” subject can get them warmed up and ready to work on more challenging subjects.

Ending with another “fun” subject gives them something to look forward to.

Every child has subjects they like and subjects they dislike. My son loves math and science. So, we typically start with math and end with science.

6. YouTube is your friend!

Almost every kid I know l-o-v-e-s YouTube. Whenever something is particularly challenging for one of my kids, I scour YouTube for a fun video on the topic.

YouTube can also be an excellent motivator.

For example, I’ll say to my son, “After we’ve finished all our assignments, we can watch a YouTube video about scorpions.”

(He loves animals and we often watch short video clips about various animals! That counts as science, right?!)

7. Have a set routine

I know life gets busy, but kids really thrive on routines.

Try to start your homeschool or homework at the same time each day.

This will help manage their expectations and create consistency.

8. Break it up

Little kids aren’t able to sit still and focus for long periods of time.

Sometimes it may be helpful to do some work in the morning, some after lunch, and some in the evening.

Breaking up the day is definitely worth a try!

9. Write with something other than a pencil

• Not intended for use on school chalkboards
• White Chalk Sticks are made to be used on childrens chalkboards.
• This Set Includes * Crayola White Chalk 12 Pack * Crayola Color Chalk 12 Pack

Does your child resist writing?

Try letting them write with ink pens, markers, colored pencils, painting with a paintbrush, or using chalk.

Variety is key!

10. No long breaks

Honestly, I go back and forth on this one.

On one hand, I feel like we all need a break sometimes.

But on the other hand, whenever my kids have a long break, (Christmas, Easter, summer, etc.) it is SO hard for them to get back in the groove.

Right now we are experimenting with taking no more than 1-2 days off at a time.

11. Pick 3 things

Don’t try to do every single subject in one day.

For reluctant learners, choose three or four things that are really important to you. Focus on doing those things well and getting those accomplished.

Anything else is a bonus!

Right now, we are focusing on math, handwriting, and reading. I

f we get nothing else accomplished in the school day, I can be happy that we completed those three things.

12. Get up and move

• Perfect trampoline for toddlers to burn off energy
• Features large jumping surface and handle bar for stability
• Plastic and metal combination
• Trampoline is for indoor use only. Age- 3 to 6 years. Ground to top of handle bar- 34.00 inch H. Jumping surface to top of handle bar- 26.25 inch H

When my son starts getting antsy or begins whining, I know it’s time to get up and move.

We like doing jumping jacks together or playing a quick game of freeze tag before we get back to work!

(Bonus! I just worked off all those calories from cereal math, haha!)

13. Don’t call it “work” or “school”

Speaking of work, I try to avoid using the words “school work” and “homework”.

What kid likes work? Instead, use words like “lessons” or “learning” to avoid triggering a protest.

14. Switch your curriculum

• Created specifically for Grade 1 writing
• Used by Special Needs Therapist to help children learn to write neatly and legibly
• From the award winning Abilitations line of Special Needs Toys and Resources
• Easy to learn steps for printing

Don’t feel like you MUST complete a curriculum if it just isn’t working for you.

I know, you spent a ton of money on it. I know your friends love it. But, honestly, if it isn’t working, it may be time to try something new.

We tried THREE different reading curriculums this year before we found one we really liked.

15. Play a game

• Besides playing games, another use of dominoes is the domino show, which involves standing them on end in long lines so that when the first tile is toppled, it topples the second, which topples the third, etc., resulting in all of the tiles falling
• Domino sets are made of synthetic materials, ABS and other phenolics resins，many sets approximate the look and feel of ivory.Tin box packaging, 28 dominoes double 6 color Dot

Whenever you can, make up a silly game to go along with your lesson.

My kids LOVE games.

One simple thing we do is play hide-and-go-seek with our sight words.

I hide sight word flash cards all over the room and my son has to find them and tell me what they say. So fun!

You can also play educational games like Don’t Wake Daddy, Uno, or Dominos.

16. Hands-on

Most kids learn by doing! Earlier this year, we learned about volume.

My son was so stumped with this particular math problem involving apples and apple juice.

So, I pulled out my dusty ‘ole juicier and we juiced apples to figure out the answer. He was SO excited to do this and he still talks about that learning experience!

17. Joke around

Laughter is my son’s love language.

I often tell him silly jokes to break any tension that creeps up. We love to laugh together!

(Wanna hear my favorite joke for kids?! Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman? A: <Sniff, sniff> It smells like carrots! Hahaha).

18. Go outside

On days when the weather is nice, we like to sit outside to do our lessons.

A change of scenery is so fun! (I loved it when our professors let us do this in college!)

19. Make your homeschool space inviting

• 24 Different Laminated Learning Posters: Including shapes, time, numbers 1-10, numbers 1-100, transportation, construction zone, dinosaur, ball game, alphabet, fruits, vegetables, farm, emotions, the five senses, my body, good manners, wild animals, weather, months of the year, days of the week, seasons, colors, opposites and solar system.
• Features: Each poster is 12 x 16.5 inch, made of 300g coated paper, each side covered with PET film for added extra durability, waterproof and tear-resistant. Each poster comes with 4 glue dots, allowing you to use them more conveniently.

Before we started school this year, I went to the dollar tree and grabbed a bunch of colorful posters, charts, and decorations.

I surprised the kids by making our entryway into a cute homeschool area.

My son said, “I thought school was gonna be boring, but now I changed my mind! It actually looks fun!” #winning

20. Connect with your child emotionally

I don’t know about you, but I am always tempted to multi-task while homeschooling.

I check my phone, I get up to put dishes away, I fold socks… I’m a chronic multi-tasker.

But I’ve noticed that when I take the time to put away my phone and all the other responsibilities, focusing solely on my son, he is much more motivated.

When I take the time to look into his eyes, ruffle his hair, be truly interested in what he’s saying and connect with him on an emotional level, the power struggles dissolve.

Don’t forget to affirm your child, too. “I see how hard you’re working!”

READ NEXT: Must-Have Supplies for Homeschooling Preschool

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